Shut Up and Dance With Me
by Garfield413
Summary: Simmons meets a girl at a bar, and wakes up back at the base with the world's worst hangover. He makes it his mission to find her again. Things are not as they seem- Who is she, really? What does all of this have to do with Project Freelancer? Who is California? Is everyone dating now? Simmons/OC, York/Carolina Canon/OC
1. The Mysterious Girl

Simmons sighed. "Grif, what the hell are we doing here? This is my only day off for months, and I don't want to spend it in some disease-ridden bar. Do you know how unsanitary these places are?"

"C'mon, Simmons. This is our chance to get with the ladies!" Grif said. "You _are_ interested in girls, aren't you?" He smirked, yelling over the loud music.

"U-Uh, of course! Why wouldn't I be? I'm totally into chicks. I'm down with that." Simmons said rapidly, sweating slightly.

"Oh please, Simmons. Just last week you told me that you don't like it when girls pay direct attention to you." Grif said.

"That's not true," Simmons said.

"You cried when that girl touched your arm at a dance when you were sixteen." Grif scoffed.

"That's a lie!" Simmons exclaimed.

"Donut showed us the home video, Panic McGee." Grif smirked again.

"God dammit, Donut. I told him not to tell anyone." Simmons sighed.

"I'm gonna be right back, I'm just going to use the bathroom." Grif said, hopping off of the bar stool.

"Wait, you're going to leave me here alone?!" Simmons exclaimed. "Don't go!" He begged.

"And you wonder why Carolina asked if we were dating…" Grif sneered. "Don't worry buddy, I'll be back before you know it." Grif said, patting him on the back.

"Fine. You're paying for my drink." Simmons said, scowling.

"You got it," Grif said, waving his hand as he walked away.

Simmons sighed, turning to the bartender. "I'll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist."

Ten minutes later, Grif still hadn't come back. Simmons was now standing at the edge of the dance floor, tapping his foot to the beat. He ran his hand through his thick, brownish-reddish hair. He sighed, groaning. "Ugh, where the fuck did Grif go?"

Suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder. "Hey," A feminine voice called out. Simmons turned around.

"Huh?" He said, confused. In front of him was a girl, five-foot four, with long auburn hair, tied up in a ponytail. Her body was nothing to brag about, but she was just curvy enough with a big enough bust to be light years out of Simmons's league. She had piercing green eyes, matching her ruby red dress.

"Cool robot parts you've got there." The girl said with a sly smile. Simmons stood there bug-eyed, mouth agape.

"Uh…" He stammered.

"My name's Casey. What's yours?" The mysterious girl asked. By this point the song playing had changed to a softer, more mellow one, eliminating the need to yell, but the new song was just as energetic.

"Dick. Er- I mean Richard. I mean-" Simmons stammered.

"Hah. Dick. That's interesting." Casey chuckled. "What's your last name, Dick-slash-Richard?"

"Uh…" Simmons said, completely blanking out. After about thirty seconds, he remembered. "Simmons. It's- er- Simmons."

"Nice to meet you, Simmons. My last name is Vonblazingdale. Or 'Vonnie' for short." Vonnie said. "Casey Ashley Vonblazingdale."

"N-nice to meet you," Simmons replied, blushing. He wasn't used to girls talking to him. Or girls looking at him. Or girls paying attention to him in general. He looked around, scanning the room for Grif. He couldn't see him in the crowd of moving bodies.

"Care to dance?" Vonnie asked, reaching out her hand.

"Er- I would, but…" Simmons trailed off, blushing in embarrassment.

"But what?" Vonnie asked.

"I don't know how to dance." Simmons admitted.

"Don't worry, you will after a few more drinks." Vonnie chuckled. "Hey bartender! Hit me up with two shots of vodka for my buddy here!"

"Two shots?" Simmons said, eyebrow raised.

"Don't sweat it, they're both for you." Vonnie chuckled again. "It's on me."

The bartender slammed down two shots of clear liquid onto the table next to them. Simmons looked at the girl, then the shots, then the girl, and then the shots again.

"Fuck it," He said, downing the glasses in one gulp each. After that, the entire night was a blur.

-oOoOo-

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys! This is my first RvB fic. Let's hope it's a good one, eh? This story was inspired by the song "Shut Up and Dance" by Walk the Moon.


	2. The Morning After

"Ugh…. What the fuck happened last night?" I groan, a throbbing pain in my head. I'm in my bed back at the base, and the sun is in my eyes, shining through a window. I look around. My room is trashed, but strangely only half of it is immaculate. "Crap, I'm going to have to clean that up." On the left half of my room, random crap is strewn across the floor. The right half is fine. My armor is lying in the middle of the room, instead of in the closet where it usually is when I'm not wearing it.

My head is pounding, and my memory of last night is a blur. All I remember is drinking a lot, and… dancing? And… a girl. A pretty girl. She was talking to me. She… asked me to dance, and bought me a few drinks. I got blind drunk. I remember laughing. I remember having a good time, which is weird. I usually can't talk to girls. They make me nervous. But this girl-she was different. She was easy to talk to, although that may have been because I was drunk.

She had auburn hair, and green eyes, just like mine. They were a piercing deep green, it was like she could stare directly into my soul. Her nose was slightly pointed, and she had freckles. Lots of them. She was about five-foot four, significantly shorter than I am, almost an entire foot shorter. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and she was talking- _to me._ Women that gorgeous never notice me. They don't even give me a second glance. What was her name? It was… It was… Vonnie? Yeah, Vonnie.

Casey Ashley Vonblazingdale. That was her name, alright. Not bad.

Suddenly, I hear a knock at the door. I look up. Grif is leaning in my doorway, smiling. "So, had fun last night?" He snickers.

"What are you talking about?" I ask defensively.

"Dude, don't play coy with me. I saw you with that girl." He said, smirking. "She was pretty. Way too pretty to be talking to you."

"Shut up." I say, huffing. "Anyways, I can't remember much from last night. Can you help me fill in the blanks?" I ask, getting out of bed. I toss the blanket aside, and get up.

"Well for one thing, you two played 'What Would My Sister Look Like?'" Grif chuckled. "Look in the mirror, man."

"Shit," I grumble, walking to the bathroom. I look in the mirror. My face is covered in makeup, and I'm wearing Vonnie's red lipstick, plus black eyeliner. I go to the sink and turn on the faucet. I begin to wash my face.

"Please tell me that I didn't spend the whole night like this," I plead.

"Don't worry, she did a pretty good job. You almost looked as pretty as her." Grif chuckled. "Also, you guys did that at the end of the night, before you passed out and I had to carry you home."

"What else happened?" I ask.

"Well, when I got back from the bathroom, I saw you dancing with that girl in the slutty red dress. You two were chugging down barrel's worth of booze, and hand-feeding each other french-fries." Grif said. "Then you started bragging about how smart you were, and about how you're a cyborg. After that, you started talking about your daddy problems."

"Oh God, did I really do that?" I groan, turning off the sink and drying my face off.

"You said, and I quote, 'I wanna be a mathlete, dad, a mathlete!'" Grif says mockingly, in a nasal voice.

"Shut up, I sound nothing like that, Grif." I grumble.

"'I don't want to join the women's volleyball team!'" Grif says, laughing, slapping his knee. "I can't believe she ended up talking to you all night."

"We talked all night?" I ask, dumbstruck. "That's impossible! I can never talk to women! Er, I meant-"

"I know. You know what the strangest part was?" Grif asks.

"What?"

"She was laughing _with_ you, not _at_ you. Plus, she let you cry on her shoulder for an hour and didn't leave afterwards." He says. "I think you should go for it."

"What? Why?" I ask, confused.

"Dude, you may not get a chance like this ever again. This is the first time any girl, good-looking or not, has paid direct attention to you in a good way. Plus, you didn't have a panic attack or run out of the building." Grif pointed out.

"I know, but I never got her contact information. What am I supposed to do?" I ask.

"Do what every other guy like you does when they like a girl. Hunt her down and stalk her on the internet." Grif says.

"No way am I gonna do that. It's creepy." I say, shaking my head. "What would a normal guy do?"

"Well for starters, a normal guy would've gotten her phone number before either of them left the bar. Then they would've had sex in the bathroom." Grif shrugs.

"You know as well as I do why I would never do either of those things." I sigh.

"I know, I know. It's incredibly unsanitary in there, and blah blah blah." Grif said, flapping his hand.

"But it is!" I protest. "Ugh, I'm never going to see her again, am I?" I groan.

"We'll see." Grif shrugged. "Now hurry and dress up, we're missing lunch. If you don't hurry I'm going to eat half of your rations."

"You already do that, dipshit." I say. "That's why I'm so skinny and you're so fat."

"Just shut up and put a shirt on."


	3. Beef Jerky

"Good morning, Sarge! You look great today." Simmons said, kissing much ass.

"Kiss ass. Also, if you haven't noticed, it's not morning. It's noon." Grif scoffed. He reached for his packet of rations. "Ah, crackers, beef jerky, and orange juice. Today, we feast like kings." He said sarcastically.

"Shut up, knuckleheads. I, your glorious and ingenious leader, have an important announcement to make." Sarge said.

"What? We're finally going home?" Grif asked.

"What's your problem, Grif?" Simmons asked.

"What's my problem? We've been fighting for years! We fought and ended a civil war! It's about time we all left." Grif complained. "We're back where we started. Bloodgulch. God damned Bloodgulch, God damn it."

"You're not going home, numbnuts. It's just the opposite. We're receiving reinforcements. She should be arriving just about any day now." Sarge said gruffly.

"Reinforcements? Why? We're not even fighting anymore. There _is_ no war. Even Project Freelancer ended. We have literally nothing to do and no reason to be here. Why bring more people into this? It's stupid." Grif questioned.

"We're here because Command wants us to be here, dirtbag. Now shut up and eat your beef jerky." Sarge said.

"Yeah, Grif. Shut up and eat your crackers." Simmons said mockingly.

"Be quiet, kiss-ass." Grif grumbled. "Why do we have to eat this shit anyway?"

"Because none of us can cook except Donut, and he's spending all of his time over at Blue Base with Doc and Caboose." Simmons replied. "Now stop complaining, eat your jerky, and _let go of my fucking crackers_."

"Fine." Grif grumbled. "I bet you'd be acting like less of an ass if that girl was around."

"S-shut up." Simmons stuttered.

"What's this about a girl?" Sarge asked.

"N-nothing." Simmons stammered. "Wait, the new recruit is a _girl?_ "

"What's her name?" Grif asked curiously.

"No idea." Sarge replied nonchalantly. "I neglected to ask any clarifying questions, which is what any good leader would do. It gives us the element of surprise!" He said, smelling future victory.

"I'm not sure if it works that way." Simmons said.

"Yeah, it's only good if the _enemy_ is surprised. Not the other way around." Grif stated.

"Nonsense! Now, finish your lunch and start patrolling the base. Gotta look out for those dirty Blues, especially since they have not one, but two Freelancers on their team." Sarge ordered.

"But we're not fighting them! We're not fighting anyone! What's the point?" Grif exclaimed. "It makes no sense!"

"We've got to keep up appearances! We can't let them think that we've gone soft! Then we'll look like pansies and they'll be obliged to attack us and plunder our resources!" Sarge said.

"Again, _we're not fighting them_. We had an agreement. Nobody on either team gets hurt by either team! Plus, we got all of our supplies from the Blues anyway since you destroyed ours during one of your science experiments!" Grif argued.

"That's where your wrong, dirtbag. Nobody but _you_ gets hurt, by either team. And that last sentence of yours is a lie. That never happened."

"Yes it did! You nearly killed Simmons with that EMP blast!" Grif exclaimed.

"I did no such thing! Simmons?" Sarge said gruffly.

"Actually, sir-" Simmons started, but was immediately cut off by Sarge.

"Exactly!" Sarge said. "Now, I want both of you on border patrol, on the double!"

"Hey Simmons, have you ever noticed how everything Sarge says sounds like there's an exclamation point at the end?" Grif asked.

"Can it, dirtbags!" Sarge growled.

"Okay, okay, Jesus Christ!" Grif grumbled, finishing off his last piece of beef jerky. He downed his orange juice, and got up. "C'mon, Simmons, let's check out what the Blues are doing with Donut."

"Hold on a second, let me finish my orange juice." Simmons said, raising a hand.

"Dude, you sound like a third grader. Hurry up and finish." Grif retorted.

"I just don't want to get dehydrated!" Simmons said defensively.

"Yeah, and I bet your mommy told you to drink all of your orange juice so you'd grow up into a big, strong boy!" Grif snorted.

"We're the same height, jackass." Simmons said, through gulps of his orange juice. "You're meaner than the kids on the figure skating team." He said. "Wait, I meant-"

"You were on the figure skating team?" Grif and Sarge asked at the same time.

"No! They just… beat me up and took my lunch money." Simmons said sheepishly. "They kept making fun of me for being in the women's volleyball league."

"Seriously?" Grif said.

"Shut up, those brats are tougher than they look. Some of them were like bodybuilders." Simmons replied.

"Oh, poor Simmons. He was beat up by nine-year-old girls in tutus." Grif snorted.

"They were sixteen!" Simmons retorted.

"Uh, Simmons? I don't think that changes things. Not one bit." Sarge said awkwardly. "Well, I'm going to work on the Warthog. See ya, suckers!" Sarge said, running out the back door.

"Let's just go, Simmons. We have to check on Donut." Grif said. "Speaking of Donut, how does it feel to have been beaten by what is essentially a team of Donuts?"

"Shut up."

* * *

-oOoOoOo-

Hey guys! TacoTurtle here. What's up with the people leaving reviews but not following? Remember, one follower=one donut to feed to Donut! He's getting hungry, guys.


	4. Pool Party Surprise

"Hello? Anybody home?" Simmons called out, standing in the doorway. Grif was about fifteen yards behind him.

"Do you see anybody in there?" Grif called out.

"No, I think they're all gone." Simmons yelled back. He looked around. The entire base was empty. "Even their flag isn't there."

"What? What happened?" Grif asked. "Did we take it?"

"No, dumbass. I think we'd remember if we took their flag." Simmons sighed.

"Jerk." Grif grumbled. He grumbles a lot.

"We should probably go look for them." Simmons said, facing Grif.

"Why should we? It's not as if it's any of our business." Grif asked, arms crossed. "Who cares what happens to them?"

"Because, it's…. Shut up, Grif." Simmons said. "Anyway, Sarge told us to keep tabs on them, and that's what we're going to do."

Suddenly, Donut came down the hallway. "Oh, hey guys! Fancy meeting you here. I was just downstairs for my daily 'wine and cheese' hour with Caboose and Doc!"

"Where is everyone?" Simmons asked.

"Where is everyone?" Grif called from behind.

"I already asked, dumbass!" Simmons yelled. "Maybe if you'd come closer, you wouldn't be lost in the conversation!"

"Fine." Grif said, walking closer, standing next to Simmons. "Again, what happened to everyone?"

"Oh, everyone, save myself and Doc, are all having a pool party at the lake." Donut replied. "We're in the middle of my daily 'wine and cheese' hour, like I said. Caboose left for the lake a few minutes ago."

"What lake are you talking about? There was no lake here before." Grif asked.

"Remember the last time we were here, you forgot to turn off the sprinklers?" Simmons said.

"Oh, that." Grif grunted.

"That was you? Thanks! Oh, and Church and Carolina are off on another mission to retrieve some stolen armor. Just thought you should know." Donut replied. "Anyway, do you want to join us? We're all tossing up in here!"

"What?" Grif and Simmons asked at the same time.

"Salads. We're tossing salads. Why, what were you guys thinking?" Donut said.

"Nothing." Grif and Simmons said simultaneously.

-oOoOo-

Over at the lake, Caboose stretched his hamstrings. Then, he paced a few yards away from the small cliff overlooking the water. He stretched again, and began to run. Once he reached the end, he jumped, and cannonballed into the water. Water splashed everywhere.

"Shit! Caboose, what did I tell you about jumping into the water? You're going to get my armor wet!" Tucker complained.

"Tucker did it!" Caboose yelled, underwater. "Arghgarblegarble,"

"Ugh." Tucker sighed, shaking off the water on his armor.

"Speaking of armor, why are you still wearing yours?" Washington asked. He had already removed his armor, and was wearing a pair of grey swimming trunks with yellow trim. His chest was bare, and his spiky blonde hair was uncovered by a helmet. "We're supposed to be swimming and relaxing." He stood near the shore, in waist-deep water.

"If you have to know, I'm preparing to go tanning. I'm just waiting for the sun to move into position." Tucker replied sarcastically.

"Why? Aren't you black?" Wash asked.

"Yeah, so?" Tucker said.

"Uh, nothing." Wash replied.

"Racist." Tucker said, removing his armor.

"Oh come on! You set me up on purpose, didn't you?" Wash asked.

"And you fell for it. Sucker." Tucker snickered.

"Fuck you." Wash said, flipping him off.

Suddenly, there was a huge crash thirty yards behind Tucker. Everyone except Caboose, who was still underwater, turned to see what caused the commotion.

In front of them was a smoldering Pelican, with smoke billowing out of it.

"What the fuck was that?" Tucker said.

"I have no fucking clue." Wash replied, scratching his head. "We don't have any scheduled visitors in the log book, and I didn't get a message from Command."

Through the towering flames and curling smoke, two armored silhouettes could be seen. One was much taller than the other. They walked through the wreckage, the smoke and flames parting for them as if they were royalty. The taller one hopped out of the Pelican, then lifted the shorter figure out and placed it lightly on the ground next to them. As the thick smoke cleared, they became visible.

"Hello, I'm Agent California, and this is York." The shorter one said in a feminine voice.

"York?!"


	5. Just A Little Lightning Will Do

"York?! You're alive?! How?!" Wash exclaimed.

"Are you saying that you _didn't_ try strapping him to a lightning rod on the roof on a stormy night under a blue moon?" California asked, bemused.

"What?" Wash asked. "No! Are you telling me that that actually fucking _worked_? I made him explode! Where and when did you find his body? He's been dead for five years!"

"I found him lying in a warehouse about three months ago." California stated.

"You know, Wash, you could afford to act a little happy that I'm back." York chuckled.

"It's been _five years._ What did you do about the decomposition?" Wash asked.

"Let's just say that it took a _lot_ of exfoliating scrub. Plus, his armor protected him from most of that." California said, absentmindedly twirling her battle rifle in the air. Her finger slipped, and she accidentally pulled the trigger.

"OW, my foot!" Simmons yelled in the distance.

"Oops," California said.

"That's not even- what?! That's not even how our armor works!" Wash yelled, head in his hands.

"It's good to see you too, Wash." York replied

"Not now, York." Wash said, turning to Agent California. "You're like, what? _Fifteen?_ How were you able to do this?!"

"Maybe if you stop yelling, I'll tell you." California stated.

"Oh, sorry." Wash said, simmering down. "How did you do that, and how on Earth were you part of Project Freelancer? You must've been like, seven when that all happened."

"I'm not fifteen, I'm twenty-seven." California said, twirling her battle rifle in the air again.

"OW! Whoever you are, would you quit doing that?!" Simmons yelled in the distance.

"How in the hell are you twenty-seven? I'm thirty-three!" Wash exclaimed.

"Easy. She was cryogenically frozen by the Director for twelve years." York spoke up.

"What? Why?" Wash asked. "How come I've never heard of this?"

"She was the Director's secret pet project. His hobby. He messed with her head, and ran genetic experiments on her." York answered. "That's why she comes across as a little… eccentric."

"Has anyone ever told you that you sound like Gloria Estefan?" California asked.

"Uh… no." Wash said, eyebrow raised. Suddenly, Caboose resurfaced.

"GASP," Caboose said. "The tiny lady is right!"

"Caboose, what did we tell you about that?" Tucker said.

"Don't play footsie with Sergeant McMuffin?" Caboose guessed.

"No! Well, that too. But you're not supposed to _say_ 'gasp' whenever you gasp." Tucker said.

"I sound _nothing_ like Gloria Estefan." Wash said, arms crossed.

"Cut her some slack, Wash. Her stasis unit was damaged sometime before they revived her. May have caused a little brain damage. She's smart, but more than a little divorced from reality." York told Wash.

"Technically, no one revived me. My stasis unit broke and I melted on my own." California said, preparing to twirl her gun in the air again.

"Maybe you should stop doing that," York said, pushing the gun back down.

"After I melted, I broke out of the lab and hacked into the Freelancer database and searched the room for clues as to what happened to everyone, since the entire facility was empty. Then I found out that everyone was either dead or arrested, including the staff. I was in a room so secret and remote that the authorities never found me." California said, slightly muffled.

"Excuse me, but are you chewing gum in your helmet?" Wash asked.

"Don't even get me started, cookiepuss. I know all about you and your old bed-wetting, and your habit of eating with your 'self-cleaning' helmet on." California said.

"York, what the fuck did you tell her?" Wash demanded, head in his hands.

"Don't look at me. She checked the personnel files before she left." York shrugged.

"How did you end up finding York?" Wash asked.

"Who's York?" Tucker asked.

"Used to be a Freelancer, like me." Wash said. "Again, how did you find him?"

"The facility I was held at was ten miles away from the warehouse that York was at. I just happened to come across his body while wandering the planet looking for food and shelter." California said, chewing. _Pop._ "Aw man, now I have gum on my visor!"

"What made you want to revive him?" Wash asked.

"Don't ask, don't tell." California said.

"What?" Wash asked.

"Just give her a second," York replied.

"I read all of you guys' files, and I felt bad for you. Including York. I figured that most of you didn't deserve what happened to you, and decided that York deserved another chance."

"And I'm forever grateful for that," York said, patting California on the head. A low purring could be heard. "I just wish Wyoming were alive so I could pay him back for killing me."

"So you two have been travelling together for the past three months?" Wash asked.

"Just for two. We had to recover for a month. I had to be rehabilitated, and Cali here accidentally stood a little too close to me when the lightning struck. She got knocked out for three days, and I had to hang there, tied to the lightning rod, like Jesus Christ, until she woke up." York said.

"York showed me how to pick locks," California said randomly.

"Yes, yes I did." York said, patting her on the head again. "We eventually hijacked a ship and left the planet. We wandered around the galaxy doing odd jobs, trying to make money and find places to stay."

"Why, what happened to your money?" Wash asked.

"The government took all of my money because they thought I was dead. They froze my bank account. Also, even if they didn't do that, they thought I was dead, and it would've been suspicious if I accessed any of it." York said. "As for Cali here, we passed by a seafood market that had live crabs."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Wash asked, head tilted to the right in confusion.

"She insisted on using her money to buy all one hundred crabs in the tank and release them into the ocean." York said.

"Why?" Wash asked.

"She said that she believed in giving everyone a second chance." York said, shrugging. "Anyway, she spent the rest of her money on videogames and at least ten pounds of Oreos."

"Is that why there's a 3DS strapped to her leg instead of a gun?" Tucker asked, pointing.

"Oh my God, we have the same armor color!" Caboose said, pointing at California's blue armor with purple trim.

"Shut up, Caboose." Tucker said.

"I once spelled my name wrong on a test, in ink." Cali said out of the blue.

"What were you, five? Because that's okay." Tucker said.

"No, but you're close." Cali said. "Fourteen." She paused. "And it was more like five times."

"You have got to be kidding me." Wash sighed. "Don't tell me-"

"There's two of them." Tucker said.

"Don't worry, I spell my name wrong all the time." Caboose said. "C-A-B-O-S-E!"

"It's a double 'O', idiot." Tucker said.

"No, I'm pretty sure that's how you spell it." Caboose said.

"I'm pretty sure you and Caboose are going to get along just fine, California." Wash said, smiling to himself. "Anyway, why are you here?"

"What, are you not happy to see me?" York chuckled. "And I should be asking you the same question. We're both supposed to be dead. I hacked a government computer to check where everyone was, and they listed you as deceased."

"It's a long story." Wash said simply. "Hey, it's the Reds coming over the hill." He said. "Caboose, why don't you talk with Agent California while I talk with York, and Tucker handles the Reds?"

"Okay!" Caboose said, getting out of the water. His short blonde hair glistened in the sunlight.

"Hey, wanna check out my Pokémon?" Cali asked Caboose. "I have Pokémon Omega Ruby!"

"Oh boy, I love Digimon!" Caboose said.

"Awesome!" Cali said. She and Caboose ran off to the base to play, passing by Grif and Simmons. "Hey guys, wassup?" She called as she ran by.

"Hello, Griff and Simon!" Caboose said, jogging past.

"Hey Caboose." Simmons said, walking. "Hey Grif, who's the new person?"

"Like hell if I know. Why are you asking me? I know even less than you do." Grif shrugged. They stopped thirty yards away from the lake as Tucker jogged towards them.

"Hey Simmons, hey Grif. What do you want?" Tucker said. "I'm a little busy sunbathing."

"Sarge wanted us to check on you, you know, to make sure you weren't planning to kill us all in our sleep." Simmons said. "Anyway, what's this about a pool party?"

"Oh, right. We have the day off since Carolina and Church are off on a mission to recover some stolen armor." Tucker replied.

"Yeah, that's pretty much what Donut told us." Grif said. "Now, why are you _really_ out here?"

"None of us want to deal with Donut's wine and cheese hour." Tucker admitted.

"Then where's your flag?" Simmons asked.

"Donut's using it as a tablecloth." Tucker said.

"Why, isn't that sacrilege or something?" Simmons said.

"Dude, would you rather we do that, or do you want to see Donut in his leopard skin speedo doing calisthenics?" Tucker said. Grif and Simmons paused to look at each other.

"So… Who's the guy in the tan armor?" Grif asked, changing the subject.

"That's Agent York, Wash's Freelancer friend, apparently." Tucker replied.

"Crap, there's more of them?" Simmons said. "What does he want?"

"Actually, it's what do _they_ want. That girl that just ran by with Caboose and said hi to you is Agent California." Tucker corrected. "And I have no idea."

"How old is she? She's like, five-foot four!" Simmons exclaimed.

"Isn't that that girl from the club's height?" Grif asked.

"Yeah, but that wasn't her, dumbass." Simmons said.

"Wait, whoa. Simmons went to a club?" Tucker asked, bemused. "Mr. Kiss Ass Girl-a-Phobic met a girl?"

"Shut up, Tucker." Simmons said, blushing furiously. He was glad that he was wearing his helmet, because his face had turned the same color as his armor.

"Anyway, do you guys want to join us? There's plenty of water since both of our teams conveniently forgot to turn our sprinklers off." Tucker asked.

"Fuck yeah, I'm gonna make a hammock out of those two trees over there in the shade." Grif said, walking off to get a big enough blanket. Tucker turned to Simmons.

"So, what are you going to do?" Tucker asked.

"I'm going to do a little sunbathing." Simmons said, removing his helmet. He began taking off his armor. "Thanks."

"No problem. We're putting all of our armor by that tree over there." Tucker said, indicating where the tree was with his finger. "Extra towels and blankets are on the rock next to it. None of them are big enough to make a hammock, though."

"Thanks." Simmons said again. He dropped his armor off by the tree, and walked over to the rock to get a towel. He picked a maroon towel, and walked over to a grassy area near the water. He didn't want to lie on the sand because they would get in his gears, and he didn't want to lie on the dirt because- well, it was just plain dirty.

He laid the towel on the ground, and lay down on it. He closed his eyes, laid back, and sighed. He wondered if he would ever see Vonnie again. At this point, he was desperate enough to consider Grif's idea of stalking her on the internet. Ultimately, he decided against it. Maybe. He'd think about it tomorrow. All he wanted to do now is relax.

Soon, he had drifted into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

-oOoOoOoOoOo-

AUTHORS'S NOTE: Hey guys! Thanks for leaving reviews, reading my story, but not following it. Lol. I'm just glad that YORK IS ALIVE. He's my second favorite Freelancer besides Washington. Can't wait to see how Carolina reacts. Happy reading!

#YorkLives


	6. Another Sunny Day in CA

"So, how did you find us?" Wash asked York.

"We weren't really looking for you, actually. We just crashed here." York replied. "We came to this planet on purpose looking for a place to hide from the Feds, then we ran out of fuel. We commandeered a Pelican, and as we were flying towards this canyon, Cali made a few 'adjustments' which caused the ship's engines to overheat and catch fire."

"What the hell could a fifteen-year-old girl have done to do something like that?" Wash asked, bemused.

"She had an experiment with a lighter and a can of nitrous." York sighed. "Anyway, I guess we were just lucky to crash here, because it looks like you guys are doing just fine."

"Where's the ship?" Wash asked. "Also, who flew? From what I remember, you don't know how to fly one of those things."

"We got here thanks to a little thing I like to call 'on the job training.'" York said. "And the ship itself is about five miles from here."

"Really? You only made it five miles?" Wash chuckled.

"A bored California is a dangerous California. That's all I'm gonna say." York sighed again.

"Why did you choose to let her tag along with you for all this time?" Wash asked, noticing how exhausted York looked from his body language. "She seems like quite a handful."

"I don't know. I mean, she saved my life, so I kind of owe her at least that much. Plus, neither of us had anyone we could trust. She called me the dad she wished she had as a kid." York replied. "Kind of hard to abandon a kid when they tell you that."

"What do you mean by 'the dad she wished she had'?" Wash asked.

"She was adopted by a woman who had lost her daughter three years before. Someone had stolen her out of the hospital nursery right after she was born. She couldn't let go, not even after three years, so her husband left her. I guess she got lonely, so she adopted Cali. She didn't have a father figure growing up. I guess I just filled the void." York said.

"Oh." Wash said. "How did she end up in Project Freelancer?"

"She had a lot of health problems growing up, and when Project Freelancer was introduced, her mom couldn't afford her medication anymore. When she heard of how Project Freelancer provided free health care, she was desperate to unload. She demanded that they let her in, for anything, even if she couldn't fight in combat situations. Eventually they let her in under one condition- that she would be used as a human guinea pig." York said.

"Wow. I can't imagine what she must have felt." Wash said.

"She felt like her mother sold her into slavery." York said. "She was already reeling from the fact that her original parents left her, and then she finds out that her current mother was about to leave her, too. At least, that's what she tells me when I ask. It gave her trust issues, and a fear of growing attached to people." York sighed. "I guess I've been the first exception in a while."

"Tough." Wash said, whistling low. "Wait, what kind of health problems are you talking about? Are they contagious?"

"Only if you consider clinical depression and schizo-affective disorder contagious." York said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"She's schizophrenic?" Wash said, taken back.

"Only when she's off of her meds. Which she has been, for the past three months. I don't know if she still has it, because of all the experiments they did on her brain. All I know is that it gave her partial amnesia." York said. "She can't tell her real memories apart from… whatever else is in her head."

"Sounds freaky." Wash said. "Anyway, what about you?"

"I'm fine, I guess. Alive." York shrugged. "Although part of me wishes that Cali had found Carolina instead of me."

"Oh." Wash said. "Uh…. About that…"

"What?" York said, eyebrow raised.

"Carolina… She's alive."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys! Just wanted to say that in my head, California sounds and acts a lot like Sister. That's just for all of you that read dialogue in character.


	7. Surprise!

"What did you just tell me?" York asked, bewildered.

"Carolina. She's alive." Wash said.

"Are you pulling my leg? Because that isn't funny." York said.

Before Washington could reply, Agent California jogged up to York. Her helmet was off, showing off her long black hair and brown eyes. Her features were more Asian than European. She tugged on his arm.

"York, Caboose electrocuted himself. He made my 3DS short-circuit." Cali said.

"What, did he get it wet?" Wash asked.

"No." Cali said simply.

"Then how did he-" Wash said, but got cut off by York.

"Don't worry, I'll buy you a new one. Those are pretty old and cheap to get anyway." York said. "I'll just have to rob another bank or something."

"Nah, it's okay. I'll be able to buy it myself. You know, when my idea for the hamburger candle takes off. I just need to convince my investors that our target market would be willing to buy them at fifteen dollars apiece." California said.

"Your investors?" Wash asked, head tilted to the side.

"Two elites and a grunt." Cali deadpanned.

"We've heard of stranger things, haven't we, Wash?" York chuckled.

"I guess so," Wash chuckled back.

"Blarg blarg honk," Cali said.

"What?" Wash said.

"Isn't it amazing how fast kids can pick up Alien?" York mused. "She learned it from an Alien we met. I think his name was Junior."

"No way." Wash said. "That's Tucker's son!"

"Who?" York said.

"Tucker. You saw him earlier. He's the black guy in the aqua boxers." Wash said.

"… I can totally see the resemblance." York said. "Anyway, what were we talking about?"

"Carolina is alive. She survived the break-in." Wash said, putting his hand on York's shoulder.

"You're joking." York said disbelievingly. Wash's news sounded impossible, and too good to be true.

"I'm not joking. She really is alive." Wash said. "You really care about her, don't you? All those days you spent by her side in the infirmary, what happened to you when you thought she was dead…"

"It's that obvious?" York asked.

"Pretty much." Wash said, shrugging.

"I just can't believe she's alive…" York said, shaking his head. "I already went through the entire grieving process, and she's alive."

"Just imagine how she'll react when she finds out that _you're_ alive!" Cali chimed in.

"Oh God…" York groaned. "Thanks, Cali."

"Why? What's wrong?" Wash asked.

"You and I both know how Carolina will react." York groaned again.

"Oh. Right." Wash replied. "Things aren't looking good for you."

"Oh well. Who knows? Maybe she'll be happy her number one stud is back." York joked.

"I highly doubt that." Wash said. "For all we know, she may kill you. Again."

"I have faith." York said, waving a hand.

"In what? God?" Wash asked.

"No, more like my favorite teal-aquamarine-cyan-whatever colored armor-wearing warrior." York said, a faint smile behind his visor. "Where is she, anyway?"

"She's out on a mission to recover some stolen armor. She should be back any day now." Wash said. "What are you going to say to her?"

"Are you really asking?" York asked.

"Yes." Wash replied.

"I'm going to tell her what I should've told her a long time ago." York said, getting misty-eyed.

"Really? You're just going to get all vague and mysterious on me, are you?" Wash sighed.

"Yep." York replied. "Hey Wash?"

"Yeah?"

"If anything happens to me," York began, "Can you take care of Cali? You know, if Carolina or anyone else does what you think she's going to do?"

"York," California whined. "I can take care of myself."

"Sure you can. I'm just a little worried, that's all." York said comfortingly.

"Uh, sure, I guess." Wash replied.

"Thanks." York sighed with relief. "I just don't feel comfortable leaving her alone, after all we've been through."

"No problem," Wash said, scratching the back of his head. "If it's really that important to you."

Suddenly, there was a clatter as someone, or something dropped their weapon. York and Wash turned to face the disturbance, as California stood there playing with a piece of string. A lone figure stood several meters away. It removed its helmet, and there was a gasp of disbelief. Sunlight shone off of red locks.

"Carolina…"


	8. Hello, Is It Me You're Looking For?

I expected many things of Carolina that day. I expected her to cuss me out. I expected her to attack me. I expected her to tackle me to the ground. I expected her to sock me in the eye. I half expected her to clock me with a roundhouse kick. Of all the things I expected, what she actually did took me by surprise.

Instead of cussing me out, instead of attacking me, instead of tackling me to the ground, she simply walked up to me, slowly. She took her time. I watched her lustrous red hair glimmer as beams of sunshine rained down on her. She stopped in front of me, looking through my visor and into my eye. She simply removed my helmet, slowly and steadily, and just stood there and stared into my one good eye for a full minute. Then, she did the unexpected-the unthinkable.

She wrapped her arms around me and began to cry.


	9. What Did I Miss?

"Carolina…" York says, taken aback. I guess he's just not used to see me crying, and breaking down like I am now. "Carolina, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"I'm sorry, York…" I say, gasping for breath between the tears streaming down my face. "I'm so sorry…" I say, clutching him in my arms as if our lives depended on it.

"What could you possibly be saying sorry for? You have nothing to apologize about," York said comfortingly.

"It's all my fault! If I had just listened to you, none of this would have happened." I sob, angry at myself. "You were right all along, York. I thought you were dead."

"Well, I was, but that's a long story." York replied. "You're not the reason I died, Carolina. You can stop crying now. Stop blaming yourself. You just did what you thought was the right thing. You didn't know what you were doing." He said, rubbing my back soothingly.

"No, if I had just listened, then Maine never would have gotten my AI. If it hadn't been for me, some of our friends, including you, would never have died. If I had never given Maine my AI in the first place, then all he wouldn't have been driven insane and killed all of the people that I care about." I say, pounding my fist on his armored chest.

"Ow…" He grunted. "Even after all this time, you can still pack a punch, can't you?" He chuckled. "Look, it was my own fault that I died. I chose to help Tex of my own free will, and I chose to take that bullet for her. If anything, _I_ should be apologizing to _you._ "

"But… why?" I ask, looking into his one good eye.

"Because if I knew that my favorite aqua-slash-teal-slash-sky blue-slash-cyan warrior was actually alive, I would've tried harder to survive." He said.

"York?" The Asian girl next to him piped up, tugging on his arm. "This is Carolina?"

"Yes, she is." York said, smiling, patting her on the head with his free arm.

"Who is this?" I ask, confused as to who she is, and what she is doing here.

"She's prettier than you said she was." She told York. "You just said she was beautiful. You lied." York is blushing now, caught off guard. I blush slightly, raising an eyebrow.

"This is my, uh, adopted daughter, California." York said, rubbing his neck awkwardly.

"Her name is California?" I ask, feeling a sense of Déjà vu. Something feels familiar about that name.

"Agent California. That was her codename." York said. "She's one of us."

" _Agent_ California? _That's_ why I remember the name." I say, reaching for my side. "I took some old personnel files on my latest raid. I found this." I say, handing York a folder. "I'm surprised it wasn't digital."

I watch as York opens the folder. There is a moment of silence.

"Cali?" York says, after a few minutes.

"Yeah?" California says, playing with a piece of string.

"This says you were frozen the day before you turned eighteen." York says questioningly.

"Yeah, so?" The girl says.

"That makes you thirty." He continues.

"And?" California replies.

"You told me that you were frozen when you were fifteen." He prods.

"Cut me some slack, York. My memory is spotty and my birth certificate had a smudge on it." California says, shrugging. "I'm going to check if Caboose is still alive." She said, heading off towards the base.

"She's your adopted daughter?" I ask, surprised.

"She doesn't know her own age?" Wash says, bemused.

"Yeah… It's complicated." York said, rubbing the back of his neck again. He sighs. "She's actually the one who brought me back to life."

"You mean that you actually died?" I say, concerned. "Wait… How did she bring you back? How long have you been alive?"

"Does that really matter?" York asks, chuckling.

"Yes, it does." I say.

"You really want to know?" He says, chuckling again.

" _Yes,_ York." I say, voice stressed, growing impatient.

"Well, if you really have to know…" He says, "She tied me to a lightning rod during a storm, under the blue moon. I'll have you know that she's a little… _off_ , because she stood too close to me when the lightning struck." York says, handing the folder back to me. I open it, and begin to read.

"It says here that her primary objective for joining the project was… to find her missing sister." I say to him.

"What?" York said. "She never told me that."

"It says here that it's quoting her." I say.

"Maybe it's because the lightning fried that memory from her brain." Wash says.

"Don't be ridiculous, Wash." York says. Suddenly, Church popped out of Carolina's shoulder.

"Actually, that doesn't sound far from the truth." He says.

"Well look who finally decided to join the party. Good morning, Sleeping Beauty." I say wryly, snickering. "What do you mean by that?"

"Remember what happened to Utah?" He inquired. "It's a little like that."

"Oh," I say, nodding with understanding.

"Why, what happened to Utah?" Wash asks.

"He got struck by lightning on his way to the store to buy a lotto ticket, and it basically rewired his neural pathways, causing memory loss and partial amnesia." Church said. "Poor guy. I guess what they say about the lottery is true."

"And what's that?"

"You have a greater chance of being struck by lightning than winning it." Church says. "Anyway, it wasn't the lightning bolt that did it. It was probably the second or third one that did the trick." He says, scratching his head. "You know, statistically speaking, he could've won something if he had made it all the way there before giving up and going back to base." We all pause to look at each other. There is a brief silence.

" _Anyway_ ," York says, "What else does it say in there?"

"Do you want me to give you back the file so you can read it for yourself?" I ask.

"Nah, I like hearing the sound of your voice instead." York says, a wry smile on his face.

"Oh really?" I say, eyebrow raised. "I just thought you were lazy and couldn't read."

"Just give me the damn folder." York sighs. I hand it to him, and he opens it. He begins to read. "Let's see… Ah, a personal journal." He says, pointing.

" _I caught wind of a piece of info that an Irish-looking girl with green eyes and red hair joined this 'Project Freelancer'. I know it's a long shot, but it could be my missing sister. Growing up, she was the only thing my adopted mother would talk about. She was obsessed, and her obsession became my obsession. All I heard every day was the story how she was stolen at birth in the hospital. It always made my mother cry. She was always so depressed. She paid more attention to someone who wasn't even there than she did to me._

" _She didn't care about my straight A's, she didn't care about all of my awards, she didn't even care when I was bullied by my entire class, including the teacher. All she ever cared about was her missing baby. It kills me inside, and I feel guilty admitting that I'm jealous of my own_ _ **kidnapped**_ _sister._

" _But, a part of me thinks that if she is actually reunited with her real daughter, and I help, then maybe she'll appreciate me. Or, at least, she'll at least try to pretend and love me. If she did, she wouldn't be throwing me away because my medical bills 'got too expensive.' She won't let me apply for jobs to pay for it myself, because she thinks they'd all discriminate against me._

" _That settles it. I'm joining Project Freelancer, not just to participate in a medical experiment to treat the voices, but to find my sister. It's not as if I'm leaving anything behind. My best friend moved to the Moon a few years back, leaving me stranded here on Earth, and we haven't talked since. I literally have no other friends, because my only other friend died. She was hit by a blimp. No one is telling me how the fuck it happened, and no one ever tried to explain what went down. The only other friend I have is my plush turtle that I've had since the second grade. I've never even had my first kiss, much less a boyfriend."_ York says, reading out loud _._

"Well, this is depressing." Wash said dryly.

" _But, I guess that the AI they're planning on implanting is going to be my friend. Hopefully. Naturally, I'm a bit skeptical."_

"Wait, they just _gave_ a teenager an AI?!" Church exclaimed. "She barely seemed lucid enough to form word endings!"

"Well, maybe that's why." Wash replied.

"Quiet. Listen to the rest of what York has to say." I say, hushing them.

" _I'm not sure if I want to be part of this 'medical study', but I have no choice. I have nowhere to go and no one to help me. My dad left because my mom wouldn't let go, after all these years. Now, I'm going to go because she still can't keep it together. I feel a little bad. I don't know why I'm writing this as if I'm talking to someone, but hopefully, I will find this again when the time comes that I can't remember my purpose- no, my mission. Maybe this will somehow find its way to Trisha all the way to the Moon, and then she'll know why I did what I did. She'll know why I left._

" _They say that they will have to erase my old identity, to make way for my new one as an Agent of Project Freelancer. I say that there isn't anything left to erase. I've left no lasting impression on anyone. Nobody will miss me or ask where I've gone._

" _Maybe life as Agent California won't be so bad. Maybe they'll be able to fix everything wrong with me. Maybe, just maybe, I'll find what I've been searching for my entire life. Maybe more._

" _Maybe I'll finally be able to find what my mother never could- Casey Ashley O'Donoghue."_


	10. Satchel Gizmo

"Caboose?" California called out, standing in the doorway of Blue Base. "Caboose, are you alive in there?" Caboose groaned in response.

"Owie…." He said. He was lying in the middle of the floor of the main room, spread-eagled. He was clad in only a pair of swim trunks. "It hurts… That GameBoy is mean." The 3DS lay beside his head.

Cali walked over to his side, sinking to her knees. "Are you okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I guess." Caboose said. His hair was frazzled and sticking up even more than usual.

"You know, you're not very bright for someone who looks so strong." California sighed, picking up the 3DS. "Typical."

"Thanks for that. What do you mean, 'typical'?" Caboose asked, sitting up.

"All the muscular guys out there are either taken, or stupid. You know." Cali said as-a-matter-of-factly.

"Oh yeah, that. I totally know about that." Caboose said, scratching his head. "My best friend Church told me that there are no regular girls."

"Regular?" Cali asked, head cocked in confusion.

"You know, how all girls are mean. There's no such thing as a nice girl, you know, that kind of thing." Caboose stated.

"Oh. I don't know about that." Cali said. "My mom always said that all men leave, though."

"My dad always said, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?'" Caboose replied.

"What's that supposed to mean?" California asked.

"I dunno, I never asked." Caboose said, scratching the back of his neck.

"What button did you press that electrocuted you?" Cali asked. Suddenly, Tucker ran into the base.

"Caboose electrocuted himself again? That figures." Tucker said. "I knew him thinking it was invisible magic would come back to bite him."

"I know, right? It's necromancy!" Cali said.

"Hell yeah!" Tucker exclaimed. "Wait, what?"

"What? I used it to bring York back to life." California said. "You mean that you've never tried before?"

"No, but Caboose here does a lot of team killing." Tucker said. "Most of the time it's Church."

"The Director?" California asked, confused.

"No, the Alpha AI." Tucker said. "We just call him Church, although I'm pretty sure that that guy is dead too."

"The Director is dead?" California asked, head tilted to the side, her black hair flowing down her shoulder. "Do you know what happened to the guys who were working on my project?"

"Yeah, that guy is pretty much dead. Along with some other Freelancer guys. They were mean." Caboose said.

"The rest of them are either in hiding like you, Wash, York, and Carolina, or in prison." Tucker added on. "We don't know anything about your guys, though. Probably in prison, too."

"Oh well. I wonder who's going to help me with this," California said, reaching for the back of her neck. She removed a chip from the base, and brought it out in front of her.

"Oh my God! She has an AI!" Caboose exclaimed.

"Calm the fuck down, Caboose." Tucker said. "Wait, you have an AI? What for?"

"Yeah, it's kind of helping me with some stuff. Something about schizo-something." California said, twiddling with the chip between her fingers.

"You mean schizophrenia?" Tucker asked.

"Yeah, that's it." California said. "The logs on the computer in the lab said that they were working on implanting it directly into my brain. So it can better help manage things, like chemical production and handling the voices."

"That doesn't sound possible." Tucker said. "Then again, none of the things that have happened to us have seemed possible or plausible."

"Dude, I brought my adopted dad back to life Frankenstein style, and I'm just about as old as him. Anything is possible." Cali said, hands on her hips. "The only thing is, I have no idea how far they got. I don't even know if the AI in this chip is dormant or not."

"Have you told your… uh… dad about this?" Tucker asked.

"Actually, no. That never came up." California said. "Anyways, I'm not even half as paranoid as I used to be. I didn't think it was important." Suddenly, a very large rat crawled out of California's armor, and sat on her shoulder.

"Uh… California lady?" Caboose said, standing up. "There is a very small dog on your shoulder."

"That's not a dog, dipshit. That's a _rat_. What the fuck is a rat doing in your armor?" Tucker said.

"Oh, him?" California said, eyes pointing to the rodent. "That's my friend, Satchel Gizmo." She patted Gizmo on the head.

"Isn't he full of diseases?" Tucker asked.

"Nah, I had him vaccinated and everything." California replied. "He's had all of his shots."

"How the fuck does he fit in your power armor?" Tucker asked. "He's a foot tall!"

"He's the world's greatest rodent contortionist." California said.

"Really?" Caboose gasped, awestruck.

"Nope, but he's really good." California said. "Even York doesn't really notice him."

"Can I pet him?" Caboose asked, walking closer, arm reaching out.

"Sure." California said. "Just don't yank his tail though. I tried touching it and he nearly clawed my face off, although that was when we first met."

"You tried touching a random rat's tail?" Tucker said, flabbergasted. "You're weird, you know that, kid? You're almost exactly like Caboose."

"Yay!" Caboose said with glee. California picked up the hefty rodent and handed him to a very excited Caboose. "Church never let me have a pet."

"Yeah, Caboose once found an alligator and tried to convince Church to let him keep it." Tucker said. "I wonder what happened to it."

"I know what you mean," California said, head bobbing up and down. "I once tried rescuing a capybara from a petting zoo, but York wouldn't let me keep him. He said that he didn't even know how to feed a hundred-pound guinea pig." Gizmo gave a loud squeak in response, nodding his head.

"Does that thing know English?" Tucker asked.

"He's very smart. He does tricks, too." California said. "Just don't say the word 'pineapple' around him though, or he'll start attacking whoever is closest to him."

"AHH!" Caboose screamed. He dropped Gizmo, who had begun to hiss at him. He started running around the room, with Gizmo chasing after him. "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

"For the last time Caboose, it's a fucking _rat!"_ Tucker screamed after him.

"Gizmo! Heel!" California commanded. The rat stopped instantly, and began to look at California to receive further instructions. Caboose continued to scream, running out of the base.

"HELP ME, AGENT WASHINGTUB!" Caboose yelled as he ran out the door.

Silence filled the base. Tucker and California looked at each other.

"So… Nice trick."


	11. Rachel

"So, my point is, she's a thirty-year-old kid in an eighteen-year-old's body, and on top of that, her brain has gone back to one of a fifteen-year-old's, or maybe even younger." Church told York, Carolina, and Washington. "So Washington's idea may not be that far off point."

"AGENT WASHINGTUB!" Caboose screamed, running towards the former Freelancers. "AGENT WASHINGTUB, HELP ME!" Just as he was about to run past them, Wash reached out a firm hand to stop him.

"Caboose, what seems to be the problem?" He asked the panicking blonde.

"The pretty lady's tiny dog is chasing me!" Caboose said.

"What pretty lady? Carolina doesn't have a dog and she's the only girl here." Wash said, confused slightly.

"Uh, Wash? You're forgetting about someone." York said awkwardly.

"Oh God, you've got to be kidding me." Wash sighed. "Caboose, do you have a _crush_ on my friend York's daughter?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Caboose said. "But I like the new girl, Agent Californicus!"

"Dear God, Caboose." Carolina sighed, covering her face with her hands. "It's California. _California."_ She sighed again. "Say it with me, Caboose. Ca-li-for-ni-a."

"I'm sorry, but I don't speak Latin." Caboose replied. Washington massaged his temples.

"I'm not quite sure how to respond to this…" York said awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck.

"More importantly, what does he mean by 'tiny dog'?" Carolina asked.

"Yeah, about that…" York coughed. "I promise that one day, this will be something we'll all look back on and laugh at, even though I know your policy about 'filthy animals.'" He said with a nervous laugh. Carolina put her hands on her hips.

"York?" She demanded.

"She kind of… sort of… has a pet-" He began, only to be cut off.

"Hey Caboose! It's okay, Gizmo is just trained to attack on command, it's nothing personal!" California yelled, jogging towards them at a steady pace, waving an arm. "He's calmed down now, I promise!" She yelled as she came closer.

"Is that a… rat, in her arms?" Carolina growled, giving York a pointed look.

"Hey, whaddaya know? I don't have to explain anymore!" York said, chuckling nervously out of tension.

"H-help, please, Agent Washingtub!" Caboose cried out, cowering behind Washington. He was surprisingly jumpy for someone of his stature and build.

"Wow, that rat is one big motherfucker." Church whistled.

"Not really helping, Church." Carolina said. "I'm not sure how I feel about this, York." She sighed. "You know how I feel about disease-carrying vermin."

"I'll have you know that I took him to a vet and everything! He's had all of his shots. He's practically sentient!" California retorted, putting Gizmo on the ground. He squeaked in agreement, nodding his head.

"Come on, Carolina. That thing has been her best friend for three months! They literally haven't left each other's side ever since they became friends." York argued. "Please?"

"She domesticated it?" Carolina asked, eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, he's totally tame. He even does tricks!" California said. "Watch this!" She said, turning to face Gizmo on the ground. "Gizmo- play dead!" Gizmo automatically flipped onto his back, legs stiffening in the air, tail and nose twitching. "See? He's just like a dog!"

Gizmo sat up, and began to wash his face with his paw.

"I don't know…" Carolina said, hands on her hips. "Is he housetrained?"

"I trained him to go outside, dig a hole, do his business, and then fill it back up." California said proudly.

Suddenly, Gizmo stretched, and started to pad towards Carolina.

"York… What is that thing doing?" Carolina asked.

"Like hell if I know," He replied, shrugging.

Gizmo stopped walking when he reached Carolina's foot, then started rubbing his face against her leg affectionately. A loud noise akin to purring began to emanate from the large rat. He began to vibrate.

"Hey, he likes you!" California exclaimed. "Who's a good boy, Gizmo? Who's a good boy?" She began to coo. "You are, you are! Oh yes you are!"

"I'm a good boy too!" Caboose yelled from behind Washington.

"Shut up, Caboose." Church snapped. "She was talking to the rat."

"I guess you two, and… Gizmo… can stay with us for a while." Carolina finally relented, sighing. "I have a feeling that you wouldn't give up even if I said no anyway."

"Yay!" California yelped, rushing up to Carolina, giving her a bear hug. Carolina took a step back from the force of the hug. "Oh my God, I freaking love you!"

"Whoa there, calm down." Carolina said, flustered. "Easy there." She said, awkwardly wrapping her arms around California.

California released her hold on Carolina. "Man, you're so much better than my other two moms." She commented.

"You had two moms?" Wash asked.

"Man, I wish I had two moms…" Caboose pouted.

"She meant her original mom and her adopted mom, dumbass." Church said, sighing.

"Can I hold the doggie now?" Caboose pleaded, giving Cali the best puppy-dog eyes he could possibly have mustered.

"Gizmo, _Operation Cuddle muffin!"_ California screeched, like a general addressing her troops. She pointed at Caboose. Gizmo immediately leaped onto Caboose's chest, and started licking his face.

Caboose started giggling hysterically. "Hey, that tickles!" He said, scratching Gizmo behind the ears.

"Is that… sanitary?" Wash questioned, head tilted to the side.

"Totally. I gave him a bath and brushed his teeth yesterday!" California said cheerfully. "Hey, when do we get to meet everyone, York?"

"Just a second, Cali." York said, hushing her. "Do you remember this?" He asked, handing her the file from earlier. They all watched as she began to read. After a few minutes, she looked up from the papers.

"I have a sister?" She said, awestruck. "Man, I haven't been able to remember much after that lightning hit me. It was totally worth it though, cuz now I have someone that vaguely resembles a dad!"

"Thanks, California." York said, patting her on the head, as Caboose played with Gizmo in the background. He had found a large stick, and was now playing fetch. His excited yelps and Gizmo's appreciative squeaks could be heard.

"That reminds me- I have something to show you guys." California said, reaching for the back of her neck.

"What is it?" Wash asked. Cali grunted, fiddling with the base of her neck, trying to grab hold of something.

"I figured that since you guys had AIs, you'd know what to do with this." California said. "Wait, hold on, I've almost got it…" She grunted again, straining her muscles, trying to reach something. "Ah, here it is!" She said, holding out a chip in front of her. "This is what the people in my project were working on before they all got arrested."

"You had an AI this entire time, and you didn't tell me?" York said, astonished.

"Yeah, sorry. I kept forgetting." California said. "Anyway, he's supposed to help treat mental illnesses like depression and schizophrenia. He's been doing a great job so far, but he hasn't actually showed up other than that. I want to know what's wrong with him. He deals directly with the brain, so I was hoping he could help with the memory loss."

"Can I see?" Carolina said, reaching her hand out. "Although I'm not sure that's how memory loss works."

"Sure," Cali said, handing her the chip, which had the inscription _'Cura'_ on it.

"Cure…" Carolina mumbled, flipping it over in her gloved hand. "We'll see what we can do." She said with a faint smile on her face.

"Thanks!" Cali said. "You guys are the best."

"We just met, and you've already decided that?" Wash said curiously.

"Well yeah, you guys are friends with York so you have to be awesome." California said optimistically.

"Uh, well, thanks, kid." Wash said, giving her a quirky half-smile, nodding. This was quite unusual for his character. Maybe he was torn between feeling gratified and a little mystified.

"So, where are we going to stay?" California said. "Oooh, do you have a bunk bed? I've always wanted a bunk bed. Are there gonna be pancakes? I know how to make pancakes. There's a ton of instant pancake mix on the ship, along with some other supplies. Can I see my file again? Pretty please?" California asked rapidly, suddenly reverting back to her initial childish form. "Does it say what my real name is?"

"Rachel." Wash said, looking into the folder. "It's Rachel."

"Rachel Greene? Oh, that would be so cool if it were Greene, like in that nineties' show, _Friends_." She said excitedly, hopping up and down from anticipation.

"Sorry, but it doesn't say." Wash said, looking at her regretfully.

"Oh, that's okay." California said, calming down slightly. She turned to Caboose, who was still playing with Satchel Gizmo. "People tell me that my personality is unstable. Is my personality unstable? Am I talking too fast? This always happens when I remove my AI. Are you seeing red spots too?"

"I think that maybe you should hold onto this for now…" Carolina said, handing back the chip. California pushed it away.

"Nah, I'll be fine." She insisted. "Seriously, when do we get to meet everybody? I haven't had a proper conversation in years, besides the ones I have with York. I usually just talk to myself and Gizmo. I've actually been trying to teach him how to read."

"Yeah, Wash. I'm kind of interested to see who you've replaced me with." York chuckled, picking up his discarded helmet.

"We can go over that tomorrow." Carolina stated, smiling at York. "For now, let's discuss your accommodations." She said, nodding at Wash. "Wash, you want to take over for me?" Wash nodded in response.

"So, the only rooms with space to spare are Carolina's room, Tucker's room, and Caboose's room. Obviously, York will be staying with Carolina, because I'm afraid of what she'll do to me if I say otherwise." Wash said, nodding at York and Carolina.

"Score," York said, pumping his fist in the air. Carolina let a chuckle slip out.

"California will be staying with Caboose because he seems the lesser of the two evils, and frankly, he's the one less likely to pull practical jokes while she's asleep." Wash said, giving a pointed look to Caboose, who was now getting Gizmo to chase a piece of string.

"Are you sure about that, after what we talked about earlier?" Carolina asked, slightly concerned.

"They'll be fine. He barely knows how all of that works anyway." Church said, waving a hand.

"Awesome, I've always wanted a roommate!" California cheered. "Didja hear that, Caboose? I'm your new roomie!"

"OH! OH!" Caboose yelped. "Can Mr. Snuggles sleep with us, Carolina? Pretty please?"

Carolina sighed, knowing that the outcome of this conversation would only end one way, no matter what she did. "Yes, as long as you clean up after him…" She sighed again. She had the feeling that these two would be quite a handful.

"Yay!" Caboose hollered with glee. He picked up the giant grey rat, and started hugging him. "Did you hear that, Mr. Snuffalufagus? Now we can go camping, have a sleepover, play fetch indoors, play hide-and-go-seek, and we can bake cookies!"

"Hell yeah!" California whooped.

"You guys must be pretty tired," Carolina stated. "Why don't we show you to your rooms so you can take a rest?" She eyed York. "You, come with me." She motioned with her hand. "Caboose, why don't you lead California to your room?"

"Okay!" Caboose said, putting Gizmo down. "Let's go, Agent Califern-Cali-Californer…" He trailed off, eyebrows scrunching in concentration.

"Why don't you just call me Cali?" California asked with a smile, putting a hand on Caboose's arm. His face immediately brightened

"Okay!" He said. He started to walk towards the base, motioning for California to follow him. "Running running running running," He chanted, starting to jog. California followed in suit.

"Gizmo, follow!" California commanded, as she started to follow Caboose. The Freelancers watched them as they crested a hill and disappeared.

Carolina gave York a little half smile, and took him by the hand. "Care to see our room?"


	12. Pancakes

"California, are you awake?" Tucker called through Cali and Caboose's door. "Carolina told me to wake you up." He said, knocking on the door.

"Hargh," California groaned, turning over in her blue bed, which was right next to Caboose's, separated by a dresser. "Five more minutes…"

"Five more minutes? Dude, it's two-fucking-thirty pm." Tucker exclaimed. "You slept in. Your friend York is already up, and he's met everyone on Blue Team."

"Ugh, fine." California sighed, getting up. She was wearing a blue tank top, and a pair of jean shorts, which she always kept in the storage compartment of her armor, just in case. She put on a pair of black tennis shoes that she also kept in there for emergencies. "Let's go, Gizmo."

The rat roused and shook itself, much like a dog. It looked attentively at California, then followed her off of the bed and out the door.

"Hey Tucker," California said, groggily giving Tucker a half-nod, and trudging out the door of her room. It had Caboose's name written in blue crayon, with 'California' written hastily underneath it in purple. Caboose's handwriting was sloppy and childlike, while California's writing looked a lot like the average teenage boy's writing.

"Hey, California." Tucker replied, nodding back. They began to walk down the hall to the kitchen. "You hungry?"

"Yep, thanks for asking." California said, brightening up. She straightened her back. "Do you guys have anything to eat?"

"We have beef jerky, crackers, and orange juice." Tucker replied, as they reached the kitchen.

An armorless Carolina was sitting at the dining table with York and Wash, chatting and catching up on all the lost years. York was acting all charming, looking into Carolina's eyes as they spoke, laughing occasionally. For the first time in a while, Carolina was blushing, laughing at York's antics. Wash chuckled along in the corner, feeling like a third, fourth, and fifth wheel, all at once.

"I can work with that," said a smiling California.

Thirty minutes later, California stood proudly in front of a stack of steaming pancakes, beaming hysterically. Her left eye was twitching.

"Jesus Christ, how the fuck did you do that?" Tucker asked, bewildered.

"That was… something." Carolina said from the table, to York.

"I feel like I just watched Jesus turn a barrel of water into wine," Wash said, whistling.

York smiled at his former teammates. "Well, that's Cali for ya." He chuckled. "She's quite a miracle worker… That is, when whatever she's working on doesn't spontaneously combust."

"Where's Caboose?" California asked, putting a pancake on her plate. "Does he like pancakes?"

"I think he's over at Red Base, hanging out with Donut." Tucker said. "Can I try one?"

"Sure, help yourself." California said with a grin. "I couldn't find any butter or syrup, though."

"That's fine, I just wanted to know what the fuck this tastes like." Tucker said, grabbing a plate. "Smells good, though. You'd never guess that it was meat-based." He got a fork and took a bite. "The fuck? This isn't actually that bad."

"You know what? You remind me a lot of this guy I met while I was travelling. He taught me how to speak Alien." California said. "Do you know an Elite named Junior?"

"You met my son?" Tucker said, taking another bite. "How was he? Is he okay?"

"He's your son? That's awesome!" California said. "He sure does flirt a lot, though. He makes a ton of dirty jokes. Gizmo and I liked him, though." California commented, through mouthfuls of pancake.

"That's my boy," Tucker chuckled.

"So, do you want to meet everyone when you're done with… lunch?" Wash asked, elbow on the dining table.

"Hellz yeah, that would be awesome!" California said, halfway done with her pancake. "Hold on a sec," She said, putting her plate down onto the counter. She took a pancake from the top of the stack and started hand-feeding it to Gizmo. "Time to eat up, buddy!" She exclaimed. "Om nom nom," She said, as Gizmo nibbled at the pancake.

Everyone in the room stared at her in amazement. "What?" She said. "He's like my son, of course I'm gonna treat him like this." California said, as the rat finished off his share of the pancakes. She then returned to her plate and began to eat again.

"So…" Carolina said, turning to York. "How've you been?"

"Well, I died for a few years, which sucked." York said casually. "Then I came back to life. That was okay." He chuckled. "Speaking of which, how are you alive? It's as if everyone at this table has cheated death at least once. Last I heard, Maine threw you off of a cliff."

"Don't remind me," Carolina groaned, rubbing her face with her hands.

"You know, it's been a year or two and she still hasn't told me what happened." Wash commented curiously.

"I survived. End of story." Carolina said. "I didn't die when I landed. That's all there is to it."

"Okay, okay," York said, raising his hands in defeat.

"You know," California said, putting her empty plate and her fork in the sink, "York told me that he was so heartbroken when you died that he became a career criminal. That's why he died in that break-in."

"Oh really, now?" Carolina said, eyebrow raised.

"Cali, what did I tell you about _staying cool_ and _not mentioning that to her?_ " York laughed nervously, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

"You never said that, you thought she was dead." California shrugged. "You also told me that she was your girlfriend."

"…What?" Carolina and Wash said at the same time, Carolina with a slightly murderous look in her eye, mostly from the initial surprise.

"Haha…" York coughed. "I never said we were official, and I never actually asked her out… Ahem. If that helps."

"Why _didn't_ you ask her out, anyway?" Wash asked. "Everyone knew that you liked her. That's why most of the guys in the program avoided her. She was off limits."

"But I thought that that was because they were scared shitles-" California began, only for York to get up, rush over to her, and put his hand over her mouth.

"Hey Cali, why don't you go over with Tucker to Red Base and introduce yourself? Bring the pancakes." He laughed nervously, shoving the plate of pancakes into her hands.

"Mhm," California said, muffled. York walked back to the table as California and Tucker walked out the door holding the pancakes, with Gizmo on their heels.

"Sorry about that," York chuckled, trying too hard to come off as casual. "Sometimes, she doesn't know when to shut up."

"That's fine, I know that I can come off as… cold and distant, at times, especially in the past." Carolina sighed. "But, I'm getting better, bit by bit." She paused. "Why _didn't_ you ask me out, York? You had a lot of chances to."

"Let's just say that I was one of the guys that was scared shitless." York replied, giving her a wry smile.

"You idiot," She laughed, smacking him upside the head. He flew out of his chair, spun around a little, and fell flat on his ass. "Oops, sorry. Sometimes I forget to hold back." She said sarcastically.

"Ouch…" York groaned. "I was about to say that it was a good kind of 'scared shitless.'"

"In what way?" Carolina asked, daring him to continue.

"You were so attractive that you terrified me," York said, raising his hands in front of his face in defense, afraid that she would kick his one good eye out.

"Oh. I can deal with that," She said, lowering her fist. She cocked her head. "I thought you told me that there was nothing in the world that scared you?"

"I'll admit that that's not true." York admitted. "Every time I even talked to you, I was afraid of screwing up somehow and losing you completely."

"It's true, at one point he started planning out his conversations with you before he talked to you." Wash said, legs crossed under the table. He was chewing on a banana.

"Dude, not cool," York said, giving him a pained look.

"Wow." Carolina said. "Just… wow."

"I was in love, don't judge me." York sighed. "Wait, no I meant-"

"I love you too." Carolina said simply.

"…What?" York said, blinking, taken off-guard.

"I love you." Carolina repeated.

"I think… yeah, I'm going to go finish this banana at Red Base. You know, uh, to give you two, uh, privacy." Wash said awkwardly, slowly getting up and backing out of the room. "So, uh, yeah. I'm gonna go now." He said, disappearing through the doorway.

"Carolina, are you for real?" York asked, stupefied.

"Yes, yes I am." She said. "Why, are you not happy about that?"

"Er- it's just that, whenever I imagine this situation in my head, this isn't what happens." York said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"So… what _does_ happen?" Carolina said, curious.

"You typically beat the living shit out of me, then throw me out of the ship's airlock." York chuckled.

"You do know that that would never happen, right? Unless you did something _really_ stupid." Carolina smirked, arms crossed. "I already hurt you once, and I'm not inclined to let that happen again." She said, putting a hand on York's shoulder. "Why do you think I kept that stupid lighter with me for all those years?" She said smiling, getting up. She sat on York's lap.

"Uh… exactly what are you doing?" York said, genuinely confused.

"This," She said, leaning closer. She grabbed him by the hair and smashed her lips onto his.

"Mhmmm?" York grunted in surprise.

I think we can all see where this is going. Pancakes, anyone?

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey Luca! I appreciate the reviews. California already has a dad, which is York! Also, she's a thirty-year-old in the body of an eighteen-year-old with the mind of a fifteen-year-old, so she doesn't need one, lol. She's a big girl now. (Although she's based on me from the fourth grade)

As for the rest of you guys- Don't worry, I won't stop writing this just because I don't get enough followers or reviews or whatever. I like this story, and I like my readers, who I realize don't actually have accounts so there isn't really a way of knowing unless they leave a review.

Remember: One review = one doughnut for Donut! He's really hungry, guys. If you don't review, you will be forced to partake in his "daily wine and cheese hour" for all eternity! MUAHAHAHAHA

Announcement: I am officially pairing Caboose with California, as you can see, because he called her a "pretty lady" :D More pairings to come !


	13. Red Team

"God, where is she?" Simmons groaned, sitting at his computer, head in his hands. Suddenly, Grif appeared in his doorway.

"Finally trying out my idea?" Grif smirked, his sloppy brown hair in disarray.

"Yeah…" Simmons grumbled. "I can't seem to find her, I've tried everything." He said, rubbing his eyes.

"Dude, have you slept at all?" Grif asked, growing concerned. "You look tired."

"I'm fine, I slept for three hours." Simmons insisted.

"You spent the entire night looking for her, didn't you?" Grif sighed. "When I said to 'go for it', I didn't mean 'run yourself into the ground trying to hunt her down.'"

"I know, I know…" Simmons said. "I just can't stop thinking about her."

"Man, are you whipped." Grif whistled.

"No I'm not!" Simmons protested, slamming his fist onto the table in frustration.

"Dude, look at yourself," Grif insisted. "You haven't showered, you've barely slept, and you're spending all your time on her. That's what I call whipped."

"For the last time, I'm not whipped!" Simmons argued. "I just… I just have to see her again, that's all."

Just then, Sarge appeared. "What in Sam hell are you two girls arguing about now?" He growled.

"Nothing, sir…" Simmons sighed raggedly.

"Simmons is in love with a girl," Grif snorted.

"Grif!" Simmons yelled, glaring at the soldier in the orange shirt.

"Son, we can talk about later." Sarge said. "In the meantime, we have a visitor. Also, our new recruit should be arriving any day now, and I, your glorious leader, command you two to stop acting like numbnuts just long enough to make a good impression on them!" He continued.

"Sarge, if we just have visitors, why are you in full body armor?" Grif asked.

"Because, dirtbag, she's being accompanied by a Blue." He explained. "We have to be ready for a scenario where they open fire on us, stabbing us in the back, just like a dirty Blue would!"

"But Caboose is here all the time, and you don't wear your armor around _him_." Grif pointed out.

"That's because he's too stupid to even notice if someone stabs him in the back." Sarge grunted.

"Point taken," Grif said.

"Now, meet me outside and introduce yourselves to our visitor." Sarge commanded.

"Why does _she_ get the special treatment?" Simmons asked.

"Because she complimented my shotgun skills and asked about my zombie plan." Sarge grunted again. "Now, hop to it! Donut is already there."

"Fine," Simmons sighed, turning off his monitor and getting up.

* * *

"Hey, it's that girl from yesterday!" Grif exclaimed. He was wearing an orange t-shirt and a pair of Hawaiian shorts.

"No shit, dumbass." Simmons retorted.

"Enough of that," Sarge said. "What's your name, girlie?" He asked the girl in the blue tank top.

"My name is Rachel, but you guys can call me Agent California, or 'Cali' for short." California said optimistically, beaming. "This little guy is Satchel Gizmo, my pet rat." She said, pointing at said rat.

"Grif, this is perfect! He looks exactly like you!" Sarge exclaimed. "Heh heh heh."

"Ha ha, very funny, Sarge." Grif laughed sarcastically.

"Aw! He's so cute!" Donut squealed. "I just want to eat him up!"

"Shut up, Donut." Sarge said. "I'm Sarge, leader of this here company. We are the glorious and profound Red Team!" He said, cackling hysterically.

"Cool!" Cali said. "What's your name?" She said, turning to Donut. "Love your shirt, by the way." Pointing out his pink shirt that said _Keep Calm and Start Tossing_ , with a picture of a grenade.

"Hey, thanks!" Donut said. "My name is Franklin Delano Donut, and I am a master at tossing!"

"I'm sure you are!" Cali said. "I tried tossing once. It didn't work out. Seven people almost died."

"Hell yeah!" Tucker said. "Wait, what?"

"Hey Grif," Simmons whispered to the orange-clad soldier next to him.

"Yeah?" Grif responded.

"Does that girl remind you of someone?" Simmons asked.

"Kinda, I just can't put my finger on it." Grif replied. "She sounds eerily familiar…"

"That's because she has the exact same voice as your dead sister," Simmons whispered.

"What?" Grif said out loud.

"Ladies, is there something you'd like to share with the entire class?" Sarge growled.

"No, sir." Grif sighed.

"Then introduce yourself, numbnuts, or I'm going introduce the butt of my shotgun to your face." Sarge growled.

"Hi, I'm Dexter Grif," Grif said tiredly. "And I really don't want to be here."

"Would these pancakes change your mind?" California asked, holding out the plate of five rather large pancakes in front of her.

"Pancakes? How the hell did you get pancakes out here?!" Simmons asked.

"Oh my God, real food?" Grif said, ecstatic. "Don't mind if I do," He said, snatching the plate. He began to scarf down mouthfuls of pancake. "Pthankth thyouth," He said, slightly garbled by the mouthfuls of pancake.

"How about you? What's your name?" Cali asked Simmons.

"Hrmph. My name is Richard 'Dick' Simmons." Simmons grumbled, annoyed with California's instant popularity with his teammates, and annoyed by the fact that he was nowhere near close to finding Vonnie.

"Huh? What's wrong? You sound upset." California asked, eyebrows wrinkling in concern.

"It's nothing." Simmons grumbled.

"Sounds like someone's having girl problems," California said in a singsong voice.

"What? No!" Simmons exclaimed, getting embarrassed.

"Oooh, Simmons has _girl problems_?" Donut said excitedly.

"Yeah," Grif said, finishing off his fifth and last pancake. "He's all upset because he met this girl at a club and now he can't find her."

"Grif!" Simmons yelped, giving him a pained look.

"Ooh, what's her name?" California asked, clapping her hands rapidly in glee. She was hopping up and down from excitement, her ponytail bouncing around.

"I think it was Casey Ashley something-or-other," Grif replied.

"Huh," California said.

"What?" Simmons asked. "What is it?"

"It's just that..." California began. "It's just that that's the name of my long lost sister that I've been looking for." She hesitated, before continuing. "Can you describe her?"

"Long red hair, green eyes, about your height." Simmons said hesitantly.

"Does she look a bit like this?" California said, fiddling in her pocket. She took out a small picture of a younger version of her adopted mother, showing it to Simmons.

"Yes! She looks almost exactly like that!" Simmons said, becoming filled with elation. Finally, he had a chance at finding her- and her name was California.


	14. The Era of Sherri

"You're never going to make it."

"If you don't stop now, you're going to get seriously injured."

"Fetch, Mr. Snuffalufagus!"

"Shut up, Caboose."

"California, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" Carolina yelled up at Cali, who was one-third of the way up the canyon wall, wearing only her casual clothes, using her bare hands to climb.

"I'm getting my turtle!" California yelled down to her in response. "He was the last thing my real parents gave me before they died, and he's been my best friend since I was three. I'm not just going to leave him behind!"

"Exactly how did she get that far without anyone noticing?" Wash asked York.

"Trust me, guys, once she's gotten her mind set on something, she's going to do it." York sighed.

"Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"

"Tucker!" Church yelled. "She's only eighteen, she's about half your age!"

"So what? That's past the age of consent." Tucker deadpanned. "Jesus Christ, I was joking."

"Do you realize that you could die if you fall from there?!" Carolina fumed. "What were you thinking?"

"Oh please, mom. I survived talking to _three_ Beliebers at once, I think I can handle this. Caboose!" California yelled.

"I'm on it!" Caboose yelled, rushing to stand directly beneath her. He held his arms out to catch her if she fell. Gizmo stood perched on his shoulder.

"Hey Cali!" Sarge hollered. "Would you mind falling on top of Grif and killing him? That would be great."

"Sarge, I'm not even underneath her." Grif pointed out.

"That's right, you aren't. Only lazy guys go on the bottom. Bow-chicka-bow-wow. Oh, wait-"

"Tucker!"

"Seriously, if you just jumped away from the cliff face and shifted a little to the left, you'd be doing us all a huge favor. Don't worry about getting injured, because his ridiculously enormous amount of body fat will completely break your fall!"

"Actually, sir, I don't think that that would be the case at this height. She would probably break something, or a few somethings, for that matter."

"He doesn't look that fat to me," California yelled.

"Thank you!" Grif motioned with his hands.

"If anything, he looks like my uncle Stella." She continued.

"WHAT?" Grif yelled. Simmons burst into laughter.

"Hey, don't make fun of him!" California retorted. "He was a perfectly good drag queen."

"What the hell is happening right now?" Wash sighed, shaking his head.

"I'm almost there…" California said, reaching the edge of the cliff. "I did it!" She whooped, standing at the top. "Beat that, motherfuckers!"

"It's not too late to jump on top of Grif, missy!" Sarge hollered.

"Just stop." Grif sighed.

"Yeah, Sarge, it's bad enough that he looks like a drag queen." Simmons snorted.

"Hey, is there any porn on that ship?" Tucker yelled to California.

"Tucker!"

"What? It's a perfectly logical question." Tucker said. "Seriously, if there's any copies of _Playboy_ magazine up there, feel free to give them to me!" He yelled again.

"I don't know about that, you should ask York. All I have are old copies of _Cat Fancy_ and _Nintendo Magazine_." California yelled back. At that, Carolina turned to face York, arms crossed, a murderous look on her face.

"What are you looking at me for?" York chuckled nervously. "She just said that because I'm a guy. I don't _actually_ have porn."

"Oh right, he only has normal pictures of Carolina," California corrected herself. "Duh." Carolina's eyebrow raised.

"Hey Cali," York called out.

"Yeah?" Cali replied.

"If you find a gun up there, can you do me a favor and shoot me with it?"

"Dude, I lost my memory bringing you back to life. I'm not gonna kill you." California snorted. "If you don't mind, I'm gonna go get my turtle now." She said, beginning to jog.

Suddenly, a shadow loomed overhead. Something big blocked the sun. California stopped dead in her tracks. A small ship began to descend into the canyon. It wobbled and bucked wildly, like a bumblebee in flight. With a loud _thud,_ it landed next to the Reds and the Blues.

"What the fuck?" A voice could be heard saying.

"Who's that?" York and Carolina asked Washington at the same time, Carolina a bit more demandingly.

"I have no idea, we don't have anyone scheduled to make a drop-off," Wash replied, scratching his head.

"I do, dirtbags." Sarge chuckled. "Men, our reinforcements have arrived!" He cackled maniacally.

"Woo," Grif cheered halfheartedly. They all watched as two people stumbled out of the carrier. One was wearing pink armor with purple trim, and the other was wearing yellow armor with orange trim. The pink one collapsed like a sack of bricks the second their feet touched solid ground, while the yellow one walked straight up to the crowd that had gathered around the ship.

"Which one of you is the one called 'Sarge'?" A feminine voice demanded, with a slight Indian accent.

"That would be me," Sarge said, stepping up in front of her. "What's your name, girlie?"

Back straight as a plank, she saluted stiffly, saying "Era Ride, reporting for duty, sir!"

"Oh great, another kiss-ass." Grif mumbled under his breath.

"Permission to say two things, sir?" She said, breaking her salute.

"Permission granted." Sarge replied. Era took in a deep breath before continuing.

"One- call me 'girlie' again, and I break every bone in your body." She said, no expression in her voice. It was impossible to tell if she was joking or not. "I respect you as a commanding officer, but that won't stop me from getting even."

"Noted." Sarge said, having a bad feeling about this girl. She had a dominant personality, and she was headstrong. That much he could tell, just from the way she was standing. He was torn between berating her and standing down.

"Two- I don't know who you are, orange guy, but I can already tell that I'm not going to like you." She growled. "Call me a kiss-ass again, and I'm castrating you."

"Permission granted." Sarge grunted.

"Sarge!" Grif said.

"I'm liking you already, Private Ride." Sarge chuckled. "Who's your friend?" He said, pointing at the figure writhing on the ground like a snake having a seizure.

"That, sir, is Private Sherri Coleman." She said with a straight face, although nobody could tell because she was wearing her helmet. "The reason she's like that is because she has severe motion sickness."

"But she's on solid ground now," Simmons pointed out.

"It takes a while to wear off," She replied.

"Can't… breathe…." Coleman gasped, grabbing at her helmet, trying to remove it and failing. She flailed about, grasping at her neck.

"For the love of God, will someone just walk over there and help her?" Grif yelled at anyone who would listen.

"I got it!" Donut said, jogging over to Coleman. He helped her rip the helmet off. When he did, Coleman was still choking on air.

"I-in… in…" She choked out.

"Is she having an… asthma attack?" Wash asked.

"I-in… inha…" She stuttered.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SPIT IT OUT!" Grif screamed.

"INHALER!" She screeched, arms flailing about. "St-Storage compartment!"

"Oh, you mean this?" Donut asked, holding a small red inhaler. He gave it to her, and she immediately put it in her mouth and pressed down twice.

"Thanks," She said, gasping for breath. She looked up at Donut, who had ended up holding her up. "Hey, you're kinda cute."

"Thanks! Hey, are those adult braces?" He asked excitedly. "Man, I love people with braces!"

"How the hell did that hot mess get into the army?" Grif whispered to Simmons.

"I don't know, and hey! Having asthma doesn't make you any less of a soldier." Simmons said. "I had asthma as a kid. Also, what are you complaining about? She's really hot. She's like, uh, a younger Reese Witherspoon."

"I call dibs." Grif said.

"What? You can't call dibs!" Simmons said.

"What? You have Vonnie. California said she knew how to track her down and that she'd help you, even after you acted like a grumpy toddler to her when you were jealous that she made such a good impression on Sarge."

"So what? I have no idea if that's gonna work out! You get the Indian-sounding chick, because I need a good backup. I think we all know which of the two of us deserves the hot blonde." Simmons snapped. "And you're just saying that because she fed you pancakes!"

"That may as well be true, but at least _I_ can actually talk to girls." Grif snorted.

"Ugh, fine, you can have her." Simmons relented. "I'm just going to die alone, then." He fake-sniffled.

"Oh, suck it up, pussyfest." Grif snorted again.

"Fuck you."

"Wait, did she just call Donut cute?" They said at the same time.

"Uh, guys?" Wash said. "Would you mind explaining to us what's happening?"

"Simple. Command decided we need more men, so they sent us these two." Sarge said, hands on his hips, feet shoulder length apart, beaming.

"What, Chokey and the Indian Tex?" Tucker snorted sarcastically.

"Actually, they're here because I called Command and told them that there weren't enough chicks here to talk to." Donut spoke up.

"What?"

"I mean, Carolina is great and all, but she never talks about the chick stuff. The fun chick stuff, like fashion and rainbows and unicorns." Donut said. "What?" He asked, when he realized that everyone in the canyon was staring at him. A cricket could be heard chirping in the background. Even Gizmo and Caboose were silently staring at him.

"…Anyway, would you care to introduce yourselves?" Ride coughed. She walked over to the ship, where Donut and Sherri were sitting. As she approached, Donut helped Sherri up. They shook hands.

"I'm Franklin Delano Donut, at your service." Donut said, bowing. Sherri tried curtsying, and said "Thank yo-" before promptly tripping over herself and falling to the ground. Donut laughed, while everyone else stood in awkward silence.

"Here, let me give you a hand." He laughed, holding out his hand. Sherri grabbed it, and hauled herself up.

"Thanks," she breathed.

"I'm Captain Dexter Grif," Grif said, shoving Simmons to the side as he took Sherri's hand and shook it.

"Assho-" Simmons began, then realized Sherri was looking directly at him. "Uh… uh… m-my name is… uh… Private-er, Captain Dick- oh God I meant Richard- wait, Captain Richard 'Dick' S-Simmons." He stuttered, averting his gaze. "God dammit."

"Smooth talking, Romeo. Nice going." Grif snorted, rolling his eyes.

"Shut up."

"And that's basically everyone you need to know." Sarge chuckled.

"Ahem?" Carolina said, hands on her hips. She glared at Sarge.

"Fine, you can meet these people too." Sarge grunted, sighing.

"I'm Agent York, and this is Agent Washington." York said with a charming smile.

"I'm California, and the aqua girl is York's girlfriend!" Cali yelled from the top of the cliff. She was sitting down, her feet dangling over the ledge. She was holding an old, worn out stuffed turtle. "And this is Taco!"

"Seriously?" Carolina asked York, giving him a pointed look.

"Haha, don't be silly, Cali." He chuckled nervously. "This is Agent Carolina, and she's not my girlfriend."

"Oh, I'm not, am I?" Carolina glared at him.

"Wait, what? I thought you didn-" He said, confused, only to get cut off.

"That's not what I meant. What I meant was that it would have been nice of you to check with me before calling me your girlfriend." Carolina sighed.

"Oh." York said, dumbfounded. "It would have been that easy?"

"What do you mean, 'easy'?" Carolina growled.

"How did she walk the ten miles to the ship and back so fast?" Washington asked, only to be ignored.

"A-a-anywayyyy," Tucker said. "I'm Captain Lavernius Tucker. I'm the Love Doctor in this here canyon, so you can feel free to swing by my office and feel my 'concealed weapon.'"

"Tucker, what did I say about your sexual innuendos?" Church growled. Then, he sighed. "Hi, I'm Leonard Church. I'm Carolina's AI." Then, everyone turned to look at Caboose, the only one who hadn't yet introduced himself. He was busy scratching Gizmo behind the ears and cuddling him, so he didn't notice.

"Caboose, would you care to say something?" Carolina said gently.

"Huh?" Caboose said, caught off guard. He held Gizmo in mid-scratch.

"Is there something you'd like to say to these two ladies?" Wash asked.

"I don't know…" Caboose said. "Girls tend not to like me."

"I don't think anyone likes you, Caboose." Tucker said.

"I like you," California yelled from the cliff.

"Really?!" Caboose yelled, ecstatic. "Yay!"

"Uh, dude? Do you have any idea what you may have just gotten yourself into?" Tucker asked California. "He tends to kill the people that he likes."

"It's true, he's killed me like, five times, and he calls me his 'best friend.'" Church stated.

York looked at Carolina and Wash. "Uh, is this good or bad?"

"Honestly, I have no idea." Wash shook his head.

"I think she should give him a try," Carolina said simply, surprising everyone around her, except for Caboose, who was too giddy with glee to notice.

"What?" York and Wash said at the same time, looking at each other.

"What? I gave _you_ a chance, didn't I?" Carolina teased York.

"Are you seriously comparing him with _Caboose_?" Wash asked, dumbfounded.

"Do you have a problem with that?" Carolina glared.

"Nope. Not at all. Carry on." Wash said quickly. He always had to be careful about these two.

"Uh, not to ruin your _touching moment_ , but you still haven't introduced yourself." Grif said awkwardly.

"Oh, right. Uh yes. Yes, uh. Yes. Yes, my name is Michael, yes. Michael J. Caboose. Yes." He said to Sherri and Era.

"Right, now that that's settled-"

"Cali, do you want to, uh. How do I say this…." Caboose said, scratching his head. "Uh, yes. Yes. Do you, uh, want to… go out… sometime?"

"Sure!" California shouted down at Caboose.

"Uh… what the fuck just happened?" Grif asked Simmons.

"Did Caboose just… get a girlfriend?" Simmons asked Grif.

"Hey Caboose, can you do me a favor?" California shouted.

"Like what?" He asked.

"Hold your arms out," She yelled. And with that, she jumped backwards off of the cliff.


	15. Dammit, Sherri

"Oof," California said as she landed in Caboose's arms. She turned to face him. "Man, you're pretty strong, big guy." She whistled. "That was AWESOME, let's do it again!" She cheered.

"I don't think so," Said Carolina, arms crossed. "You could have died."

"Isn't that an occupational hazard for a Freelancer?" California asked. "Like, staring at Death in the eye and spitting in his face?"

"That's an interesting way of putting it, but to my understanding, you haven't gone through any training whatsoever." Washington pointed out. "That was a pretty stupid risk to take for someone your age."

"Hey, woah woah woah." California protested. "This turtle is like a son to me, just like Satchel Gizmo. I don't know about you, but I'm loyal to my friends and the people I care about." She said, arms crossed. "Caboose, can you put me down?"

"Uh, sure." Caboose said, coughing. "Uh, Cali, you are a very mean lady-"

"Not that kind of put-down, Caboose."

"Oh. I knew that." Caboose said, setting California gently onto the ground.

"I don't know about Washington either, because at one point he tried killing all of us." Grif pointed out.

"…Not helping, Grif." Washington said.

"He shot me! I almost died!" Donut said, hands on his hips.

"Dear God, I get it already." Washington sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Anyway, you know what it's like to be willing to die for your friends, right?" California asked the Freelancers, who looked at each other. Everyone else looked at each other, too.

"Well, it might seem ridiculous to you, but Taco and Gizmo are some of the only friends I have. Taco was the first friend I ever had.

They were the only ones for most of my life that actually wanted to be friends with me, and for one of them, that was only because they were an inanimate object that had no choice. Still, that means something to me."

There was a period of silence, broken by the sound of Sherri coughing. That cough turned into hacking, which turned into choking as she fell to her knees. Donut had to rush to her side and give her the Heimlich maneuver. As he did, a rubber band came shooting out of her mouth. Everyone turned to stare.

"What happened?" Simmons asked.

"I choked on the rubber band from my braces," Sherri admitted.

"I told you- hot mess." Grif whispered to Simmons, as Sherri put the rubber band back in.

"…Anyway, I guess you two would like to hear about your living arrangements." Sarge said.

"Yes, sir." Ride said, saluting.

"It goes as follows- Grif, you will share a room with Private Ride." Sarge said.

"Feel free to ride _me_ , baby, if you know what I mean. Bow chicka bow wow."

"Tucker, shut the fuck up." Church growled.

"Say that again, and there'll be nothing _to_ ride." Ride growled at Tucker.

"Oh, snap!" went Donut. "You just got burned. _Burned,_ man, _burned_. That's what I call an old-school zinger!"

"How am I supposed to masturba- I mean, spend some quality alone time now?!" Grif whined.

"And Coleman, you will be staying with Donut." Sarge grunted.

"Sweet!" Sherri said, holding out an outstretched fist. "Quick, Donut, fist me, bro!"

"Awesome!" Donut said, giving her a fist bump.

"Man, nobody ever fists _me_." California grumbled.

"Yeah! Wait, what?" Said Tucker.

"…I think we're done here." Said Agent Washington.

"Agreed." Replied Carolina and York at the same time.

"Uh, guys? Why isn't the ship leaving?" Simmons asked. "The pilot should've launched by now."

"Yeah, about that…" Sherri said, laughing nervously. " _Someone_ , who was totally _not me_ , did _something_ that totally wasn't my fault to something else." Everyone once again turned to stare at her.

"…Private Ride, is there something you'd care to explain?" Sarge asked, not sure if he would like whatever answer he was going to receive.

"She may or may not have 'accidentally' knocked our pilot out somehow the second I left the room, and he may or may not have never woken up, and I may or may not have had to figure out how to land the ship by myself, with zero training." Ride said, coughing into her fist.

"I don't know what happened, I was just standing there talking about my ex and out of nowhere he just took out a pistol and shot himself in the face." Sherri said. "No idea where that came from."

"You killed your pilot?" Wash asked.

"Technically he killed himself." Sherri shrugged. "It was too bad, he seemed like a pretty chill guy."

"That is so badass that you landed the ship all by yourself without any training." Tucker said. "You can handle my joystick any time," he snickered. "Bow chicka bow wow."

"Tucker, what the fuck did I say about the sexual innuendos?!" Church yelled, pissed off. For a second he turned bright red, then returned to a cobalt blue as he calmed back down.

"What? She sounds hot, okay? Like, really hot. I can't help myself," Tucker argued.

"Quiet, blue." Era growled. "I _will_ castrate you, too."

"Man, is she spicy!" Donut said, rubbing his hands together. "This is awesome!"

"Your idea of 'awesome' is being threatened to be castrated?" Grif asked.

"Hey, she's not threatening _me_." Donut said, winking at Grif.

"Oh dear God…" Grif said, facepalming. "I'm not gay, Donut."

"I'm not gay either." Donut said, winking again.

"Donut…" Grif growled.

"What? I was winking at Sherri." Donut said. "Hey there!" He said, waving at Sherri.

"Heeeey," Sherri called out from behind Grif, giggling. She flashed a metallic smile at Donut, winking back.

"What the fuck is happening?!" Simmons yelled, hands on his head. His cybernetic eye was flashing red in a panic.

"I can't believe it, after all these years…" Sarge said, awestruck. Nobody could believe it. Donut… and _Sherri_ , who looked exactly like _Reese Witherspoon_ , except hotter? Simmons would be filled with jealousy if it hadn't been for Vonnie, and Grif was just as plain dumbfounded as Sarge. Everyone on Red Team had assumed that Donut's romantic life was mostly 'don't ask, don't tell'.

The only ones who weren't surprised were the Freelancers.

"I don't get it, why is everyone so surprised?" California whispered to Satchel Gizmo.

"Why is that girl talking to a rat?" Private Ride asked Sarge.

"What?" Sarge said, giving himself a shake. "That's perfectly reasonable! It's like naming your shotgun, or telling your shotgun bedtime stories to lull her to sleep, or killing Grif!" He cackled. "Muahahaha! …Ahem."

"…I think that's enough for today." Carolina said. "Let's go, Blue Team." She said, motioning with her hand, signaling everyone to follow her. Blue Team trailed her back to base. Once they were gone, Sarge turned to his new recruits.

"I want you two to follow Grif and Donut to their rooms, and get settled, and ready for dinner. Can either of you cook?" He ordered.

"I can make microwave popcorn," Sherri said, raising her hand.

"Anyone? No? Okay," Sarge said, pretending not to have heard Sherri. "That just means we're gonna have to break out the beef jerky, crackers, and orange juice again."

"God dammit." Grif said, sighing and cracking his knuckles.

"Would you quit complaining? You'll eat anything and everything, fatass." Simmons sneered. Grif snarled in discontent, showing off his disgruntlement.

"That's not true!" Grif said, in denial.

"I don't think anyone _asked_ you to eat that three- tier wedding cake off of the floor."

"Shut up and move it, ya pansies."


	16. Out the Back Door

"Let's brainstorm all the possible ways we can find her," Simmons said to California, sitting at his desk, in front of his computer. He swung his swiveling chair around to face her, who, at the moment, was sitting cross-legged on top of his neatly made maroon bed. There was another, prettier, sparkling bed that Donut had picked out next to it, but California wasn't interested in that bed. Besides, Simmons's bed was closer to the computer.

"Hmmm…." California hummed, thinking hard. She entered the ' _Thinking Man_ ' position. "What have you tried so far?" She asked.

"I've tried Google, Yahoo!, and, God help me, _Bing_." He replied, trying to pull out his hair from the stress. "I can't find her, God dammit. Why can't I find her? I'm the best at this!" He slammed his fist onto his keyboard. "Agh!"

"Maybe she's a fugitive from the law," California said. "While I was still in the Freelancer facility a long time ago, I checked their personnel records. I joined because I heard that someone matching the description of my sister had been spotted there. I found out that her codename was Michigan. That could be her," California explained.

"What? Was there a picture?!" Simmons asked, desperate for answers. He had to know. Now. As soon as possible.

"There was… Except I didn't have the clearance to access it." California admitted.

"I thought you said that you hacked their database? Couldn't you have hacked your way in?" Simmons asked, confused.

"When I said 'hacked,' I meant that some low-level schmutz left their clearance badge out in the open before they left and immediately got arrested. It had an access code taped to the back." She elaborated.

"Let's just assume that Michigan is Vonnie and start from there," Simmons said, cracking his knuckles with his robotic hand. "Alright, let's do this."

"Woo!" California cheered, pumping her fist in the air. "What should we do first?"

"I don't know!" Simmons sobbed, slamming his head onto the table. "I'm never going to see her again!" He cried.

"Pull it together, Simmons!" California said, getting up and slapping him on the back. Repeatedly.

"Ow! Stop it!" Simmons said, swatting her hand away. "I'm fine now, I promise."

"Okay." She said perkily. "Have you tried dating websites?"

"Of course! Dating websites! Why didn't I think of that?" an excited Simmons asked himself. "All I have to do is input data about Vonnie in the matchmaking system, and if she's there, she'll show up no matter what name she goes by!" He said.

"Also, if you can't find her, you'll find a lot of girls exactly like her!" California added.

"Now, which dating website should I use? I already have an account on Tinder…" Simmons trailed off, stroking his chin in deep thought. He needed to decide which dating site to use first.

" _OutTheBackDoor dot Net_." California said randomly.

"That's a website for people looking for a one-night stand with gay male prostitutes, why would she be there?" Simmons asked.

"I think the more important question is: Why do you know that, and how?" California deadpanned.

"Email from Donut. I accidentally clicked the link." Simmons shuddered.

"Ah," California said, bobbing her head. "Continue."

"I don't really want to…" Simmons said.

"How about _DontHateJustDate dot com_?" California asked. "That website has an eerily specific search engine."

"Great, let's start with that." Simmons said, typing the address into his web browser. He clicked a few links, and made it to the _Create Account_ page. "Now, to create my profile. Let's see…" He said, tapping his chin. "Ah. Username… That's easy; ZionSlayer19." He said, typing it into the box. "Password, mhmmm." He said, mumbling the password to himself.

"What was that?" California asked. "I would've gone for the username 'sexybreadtin15', and with '4lp4c4_649_4_y4' as the password."

"What?" Simmons asked. "Who would want to be thought of as a bread tin? Also, what does that password even mean?"

"Alpaca bag for ya." California said, yawning. "Duh."

"Okay then…" Simmons said. He clicked something, typed out some personal information, and then clicked _Create Account_. "All done! Now I just need to add some more personal information, just in case she tries finding _me_." He said, cracking his knuckles with his robotic arm.

"Yeah, just type all of the stuff you told her about yourself. That should do it." California suggested.

"I'm on it," Simmons replied, typing rapidly. California squinted and peeked over his shoulder after a few minutes.

"Dude, you like _Star Trek_? I love Star Trek! It's so fucking awesome. You remind me of Scotty for some reason." California rambled.

"Can you let me finish?" Simmons said, continuing to type.

"Simmons?" California said.

"Yeah?" Simmons replied, not looking up from his keyboard.

"I have a small question I wanted to ask you." California said.

"Sure, what?" Simmons asked.

"Grif told me that you have trouble talking to girls. If that's true, how are you talking to me?" California asked, cutting to the point.

"Uh…" Simmons said, mouth agape, searching for an answer. "I-I don't know. You're a lot friendlier than the other girls I met."

"Sherri's pretty friendly too, why can't you talk to her?" California asked.

"Uh…"

"It's a valid question, dude." California insisted.

"Er- it's just that with her, she's… out of my league. With you, there's no possible way that I could be rejected. You're too nice to turn people down. Hell, you even said yes when _Caboose_ asked you out." Simmons explained, turning to face her. "Okay, now that you've mentioned it, you're starting to make me nervous."

"Hey, Caboose isn't that bad. He isn't stupid either, he's just… slow." California retorted. "Also, when are you going to get over your fear of women? You don't seem to be afraid of Carolina."

"That's because I don't really see her as a girl." Simmons admitted.

"Oh. That makes sense." California said, as Simmons swung back around and started typing again.

-oOoOoOo Meanwhile, in the next room...

"Admit it! You're the culprit!"

"What in hell's name are you talking about?!"

"You know what I'm talking about!"

"In the name of all things holy… For the last time, get it through your thick skull that I didn't do anything!"

"I know you did it!" Grif yelled. "I know you took my stash of Oreos!" He growled. "I've been saving those for a rainy day, and here you are denying that you threw them in the trash!"

"I did no such thing," Ride said, attempting to rip her hair out. "If I wanted to mess with you, you'd be dead, and reincarnated as a cockroach!"

"Oh don't play coy with me. I was standing here, in the doorway, watching you stuff half of my precious Oreos into your greedy little mouth!" Grif said, stomping over to said doorway, pointing downwards.

"Okay, I'll humor you. What happened next?" Ride said sarcastically, scoffing. She crossed her arms, feet shoulder-length apart.

"So I was standing here, and you were over there," Grif said, pointing stiffly. "I was watching, you were eating, and then Rick Astley rode in on a motorcycle, and- oh."

"Oh?" Ride said, eyebrow raised. She put her hands on her hips.

"There's a slight chance that this might have been a dream." Grif said sheepishly.

"Idiot." Ride said, shaking her head. "Of all people, why do I have to be paired up with _you?_ "

"Hey, I'm not half bad." Grif said. "I'm good-looking, _and_ I out-rank you, so shut up."

"When I look at you, all I see is _beer gut, lazy,_ and _'How in the world did this moron become captain?'"_ Ride scoffed.

"Face it, you love me." Grif said.

"No, I'm pretty sure that's not true." Ride said. "Also, there is a rather large ketchup stain on your yellow shirt."

"So what? Bitch, my shirt is orange. _Orange_. It's not fucking _red_ , it's not fucking _blue_ , it's not _fucking purple_ , and it sure as hell ain't _yellow_." Grif said, frowning. "What are you, colorblind?"

"No, as a matter of fact, I'm a tetrachromat." Ride said.

"A what?" Grif said, dumbfounded.

"A tetrachromat," Ride repeated. "That means that I have perfect or near-perfect color vision. I have an extra cone in each of my eyes."

"I have no idea what you just said, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like it even if I did." Grif said. He yawned. "I think I'm going to take a nap now. I'm pretty tired."

"What the- you just woke up from a three-hour nap!" Ride said, attempting to pull her hair out again. She had to fight the urge to chew it. "You slept through lunch. It's 3 pm."

"I know." Grif shrugged. "Wait, I missed a meal? Crap! No wonder I feel hungry." He said, beginning to panic. "Why didn't you wake me up?!"

" _That's_ the part that you're worried about?!" Ride said, exasperated. "And I _did_ try to wake you up, but you just told me to go to hell and started mumble in your sleep about some guy called 'Rick Astley'."

"Screw this, I'm gonna go eat." Grif said, stretching and yawning. He scratched his lower back. "See ya." He got up and walked out the door.

"Ugh," Ride groaned as soon as she thought he left. "It's been two days, sis. Two days, and I already hate it here. Why do I have to share a room with this slob?! He's so unprofessional. I really miss you, you little rascal.

"I'm sorry I missed your birthday yesterday. I would've done something special, but I got drafted by the stupid military at the last minute." Ride said, sighing. She sat on her bed with the yellow sheets. She leaned back, cracking her back.

"I just want to go home and be with you, lil' sis. I need to visit you. I need to see you one last time, if I ever hope to move on." She sighed again, tears starting to form in her eyes. "Oh great. Now I'm _crying_. I'm such a wuss." She growled, wiping a tear a way.

"I hope you're happy now, sis." She sighed once again. "This is just like the day you died, three days after you were born, and it's been like this ever since you left me." She sobbed, trying to hold back the flood of tears. "Three days wasn't nearly long enough for me to be with you, but it was just enough time for you to become the most precious thing in the center of my world. And then you left me." She cringed. "You left me, just like everyone else.

"There's got to be something wrong with me. There's _got_ to be a reason. I've got no one. I mean, I've been holding up this façade of being strong and professional and cold and distant for too long, but I feel like I can't be myself. Not around these people. I barely know them. It doesn't feel safe." She said, lying down.

"I guess this is goodbye for now, sis. The stress is just killing me. I think I'm just going to sleep this off." She said, closing her eyes and exhaling.

She heard the door close, and footsteps tiptoeing away. "Crap, how much did he hear?" She asked, sitting up and covering her face with her hands. "This is just fucking great," She growled.

Meanwhile, Grif tried and failed to silently pad down the hallway and to the kitchen.

 _That was weird,_ he thought.

-oOoOoOo-

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys, TacoTurtle here! I just wanted to say that it's been an honor writing for you. I know I don't have many people reading this, but it warms my heart to know that you guys enjoy it so much. Actually, it makes me the happiest girl in the world. With me, it's quality over quantity. I'd rather have five people read and love my stories, than have millions read and be convinced that it's just "meh".

I'm actually surprised that I was able to write this story at all, because I'm just fifteen and have zero life experience and worldly knowledge. To think that this all started when I decided "Hey, Simmons deserves to have a girlfriend" is kind of weird. Well, maybe not _that_ weird. Truth be told, I _love_ nerdy guys, and I find it adorable when they can't talk to girls without stuttering or saying something stupid. I'm the type of person who likes to root for the underdog.

Anyway, thank you for your loyalty. It won't go unappreciated. Shoutout to Red and My Luca, for being awesome followers of my story even though they don't even have accounts. Also, hello to all you lurkers out there who refuse to either leave a comment or a name XD.


	17. I Believe I'm a Fly

"California, Caboose, wake up," Tucker said, knocking on their door. Caboose and California groaned.

"Go away, Tucker." California growled, stuffing her face into her down pillow.

"Five more minutes, mommy…" Caboose whined.

"Caboose, I'm not your fucking mother. Now get up." Tucker said. "Wash and Carolina want to talk to all of us about something." He explained, knocking again, louder this time. Gizmo squeaked and covered his ears, on the floor in a makeshift doggie bed. He was cuddling Taco the plush turtle.

"Come on, Tucker." Cali said. "Don't be such a Filipino Steve Perry."

"Yeah! Wait, what?" Caboose said drowsily, blinking in confusion.

"…The fuck is that supposed to mean?" Tucker asked.

"C'mon, son. Get the F outta here with that bull," California grunted.

"I'm not- what?" Tucker said. "Anyway, York said that if you don't get outside quick, he's withdrawing the right for you to prank Red Team without him telling anyone. Or, he's gonna warn Grif that half of his Oreos are now filled with toothpaste."

"What?! Aw man, you _know_ that that's the closest he'll ever get to brushing his teeth." California whined, getting up. She stretched and yawned, then scratched her back. "Tell them I'm coming in a minute." She called to Tucker through the door.

"Just tell Caboose to hurry up and get dressed." Tucker said, walking down the hallway and out the door.

"Come on, Caboose. Get up." California said, shaking him. "I wanna be able to prank Grif before sundown."

"Okay!" Caboose said, sitting up. He swung his legs over the side of his bed and stood up, as California started putting on her armor. "Now, where did I put my armor?" He pondered out loud, scanning the room.

"You slept in it, silly." California said, as she put on her breast plate. She walked over to Caboose, got on her toes, and attempted to pat him on the head and ruffle his hair.

"Oh, right." Caboose said. "I totally knew that." He scanned the room again. "Now, where's my helmet?"

"It's in the closet, Caboose." California said, putting her boots on.

"It's with Sargent McMuffin?" He asked.

"No, it's in _our_ closet." California corrected. Unlike the rest of the Reds and Blues, whenever she talked to Caboose, she didn't think of him as an annoying idiot. She was very patient and understanding. You still had to be careful, though, because the weirdest things could set her off.

"Oh, yeah. I knew that, too." Caboose said.

"I'm sure you did," California replied with a smile. "Today, I think I'm going to get a syringe from Doc and inject toothpaste into Grif's Twinkies after eating all of the crème."

"OOH, can I help?!" Caboose asked, giddy with excitement.

"Sure, man!" California said. "Come closer and bend down so I can tell you something,"

"Okay!" Caboose said, taking a step closer and crouching.

"You get the very special job of _not telling a single soul_ about this. Comprende?" She said, throwing a bit of Spanish into the mix. She finished putting on her armor, and was reaching for her helmet as Caboose responded.

"Yay!" Caboose said, clapping his hands. California chuckled. _Sucker,_ she thought, laughing internally.

"Are you ready?" She asked.

"Yes, mam." Caboose saluted playfully.

"Cool, let's go see what those two want." California said. "I hope we're getting a pony."

"Oh my God," Caboose said. "I love tiny horses!"

-oOoOoOo-

Private Ride woke up, blinking her eyes blearily. "Ugh…" She said, remembering the events of the previous day. She turned her head to face Grif's bed. He was splayed horizontally across it; everything from the chest up hanging off of the edge. His mouth was wide open and he was snoring loudly. Ride could swear she could see a bit of drool dripping from the corner of his mouth. Then, she realized that he was only wearing a pair of orange boxers.

"Ew, gross." She cringed. "So many things wrong with this situation…" She said under her breath.

"Wha?" Grif mumbled in his sleep. For a second, it looked as if he was going to wake up. Ride froze. After a few minutes, Grif was sound asleep- again. She relaxed.

Suddenly, she heard a faint buzzing. A rather large fly flew out from an empty bag of Doritos that was under Grif's bed, and started buzzing and flying in lazy circles around his face. Ride tried to hold in her laughter. Something about this image was hilarious, for some reason. A giggle came out.

 _No, Private Ride,_ she thought to herself. _This is not funny. This is disgusting. He should be ashamed. Stop laughing!_

She accidentally let a giggle slip out. Grif grunted, and attempted to flip over in his sleep. He promptly fell off of his bed, and, in the process, managed to completely swallow the fly. His eyes flew open as he started coughing. His coughing turned into hacking, and his hacking turned into choking. He retched, but nothing came out as he stood there on all fours, trying to get the fly out of his throat.

Ride burst out laughing, her sides heaving as she gasped for air. She slapped her thigh repeatedly, because what she was watching was just so damn funny that she was sure she was about to start crying.

Grif fell to his side, choking on the behemoth of a fly. "Hargh," He managed to gasp. "Hargh hargh hargh, HARGH BLEGH HARGH," Ride was laughing too hard to be of much help, so she just watched Grif squirm uncomfortably on the floor.

This went on for five minutes, until Grif finally swallowed the fly whole. He could feel it struggling as it passed on to the next realm- His stomach.

He sat there gasping for breath as Ride laughed her ass off, almost literally. After a few minutes he said, "Thanks a _lot_ for helping, Ride." He said sarcastically. "You could've gotten me water, you could've done the Heimlich maneuver, but no. You chose to sit there and laugh, like a true asshole."

"You're absolutely welcome, captain." Ride laughed as she calmed herself. "I'm sorry, _sir_ , but that was fucking hilarious."

"I could have _died,_ Private Ride." Grif growled.

"Yeah, from too much protein." Ride chuckled.

"Up yo- Wait. Did you just make a _joke_?" Grif said, slightly surprised.

"Um. No," Ride said, donning her poker face. Suddenly, the ceiling became very interesting.

"Yes, you did." Grif said, smiling faintly, partially to annoy her. He got up and sat on his bed. Ride stared at the ceiling, humming to herself. "Wait- are you humming the theme song to _Mission Impossible?_ "

"Shit."

"Well, whaddaya know? You're not actually such an uptight hardass." Grif chuckled. "And your taste in movies is pretty decent."

"Shut up," Ride said, blushing. "I still don't like how… _pig-like_ you are. I mean, you seem *this* close to rolling around in your own filth. It's disgusting."

"That's what I call 'liberating.'" Grif said. "Plus, we're not really all that different."

"What are you talking about?" Ride asked. " _I_ shower every day." She snorted. "I also brush my teeth twice a day."

"Not what I'm talking about." Grif grunted. "The point is, I heard you talking to yourself yesterday." He said. "Here's a little surprise- _I was drafted, too_. I want to be here just as little as you do."

"Really?" Ride said, blinking.

"Yeah." Grif said.

"…Where are you from?" Ride asked.

"Hawaii." Grif replied. "You?"

"India." Ride said.

"Nice." Grif said. They sat in silence for a few minutes. "My sister is dead, too."

"What?"

"Kaikaina. She joined Blue army a while back, and I was on Red team. We were both stationed here." He replied.

"Oh." Ride said. "Did you…?"

"No, I didn't kill her." Grif said. "Lopez did."

"Who's Lopez?" She asked.

"Red Team's robot." Grif said. "He only spoke Spanish."

"Oh. I'm… sorry." Ride said awkwardly.

"Meh. It's okay, I guess." Grif sighed. "Now, will you quit treating me like some sort of animal?"

"Fine." Ride grunted. "I still don't like you, though."

"That figures." Grif said. "Shake on it?" He said, reaching his hand out.

"Ew, no. I don't know where that's bee-" Grif gave her a pointed look. "Ugh, okay." She said, grasping his hand firmly and shaking it. They sat in silence for a few seconds.

"Man, I need something to wash out that fly flavor." Grif grunted. He reached for a pack of Oreos on his bedside table. "That's weird, it's open. And it smells minty." He said, taking a bite. "Agh! What the fuck?!" He yelled, spitting the Oreo out. "Toothpaste?! Who the fuck put toothpaste in my damn Oreos?!"

Ride started laughing again, this time so hard that a tear formed in her eye. "Maybe that'll teach you to brush your teeth." She guffawed.

"This is not funny!" Grif yelled. "This is an outrage! I demand satisfaction!" He growled. "Wait, there's a note…" He said, lifting the pack of Oreos to grab the piece of paper underneath. He began to read.

"What does it say?" Ride said, gasping for breath.

"Brush your teeth, jackass." He read. He crumpled it up. "Why I oughta…"

"Start flossing?" Ride joked.

"Shut up."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys! TacoTurtle here. I just wanted to say that in the previous chapter where Simmons says that he doesn't see Carolina as a girl, he means that he sees her as some sort of badass warrior that's too badass to be called just a regular girl. He's not insulting her.

Also, this chapter is dedicated to my real-life best friend Era Ride, who I miss a lot because she recently moved to India over the summer.

Era, if you're reading this, I want you to know that you'll always have a place in my life, and that I love you more than I ever loved David Tennant. Stay safe, sister. Stay safe.

This chapter was inspired by my dad's version of the song "I Believe I Can Fly". He sings it as "I Believe I'm a Fly," and that's how he's been singing it ever since I could remember.


	18. Off Your Rocker

"Okay guys, listen up." Wash said, in front of the gathered crowd of Reds and Blues.

"Some f*cktard replaced all the creme in my oreos with toothpaste. *Toothpaste*, dammit. What kind of lunatic does that?!" Grif yelled.  
"That totally wasn't Cali." Caboose said.  
"Caboose!" Cali said, facepalming. "I told you not to tell a single soul, remember?"  
"What? I said it wasn't you." Caboose said. "Also, Sarge told me that Grif has no soul."

"Here we go…" York sighed, covering his face with his hand, other hand on his hip.  
"California..." Grif growled. "It was you who did this travesty?! You left that note?!"  
"Fine, fine. You caught me. I did it." Cali said.  
"Wait, _you're_ the one who did that?" Ride said. "That was just... perfect."  
"Thanks. That's what I've been doing for the past two days." Cali said.  
"That single prank took you two days to do?" Simmons asked.  
"Nah, more like five pranks." Cali said. "I ate the creme off of all his Oreos and other assorted snack foods and replaced them with toothpaste." She continued, "Then I mixed his toothpaste with wasabi and the juices of the Peruvian ghost pepper, to see if he actually brushes his teeth."  
"You sick bastard... No one messes with my food!" Grif growled.  
"Grif! Your lack of dental hygiene is downright unacceptable!" Sarge said.  
"What about the other three pranks?" Simmons asked.  
"I'm not legally allowed to tell you," California said.  
"Oh God..." Grif said.  
"Wait a minute-" Wash said. "Are you telling me that you're the jackass who used up all of my fucking toothpaste?"  
"Grif doesn't brush his teeth; someone had to step up and do it for him. I learned that from you, Wash." California stated.  
"Oh." Wash said. "Still, you could've used someone else's toothpaste. Preferably *your* toothpaste. Or even Grif's toothpaste. I doubt he would've noticed."  
"Hey!" Grif said indignantly.  
"Shut up, Grif. It's true." Simmons said. "You are seriously lacking in the personal hygiene department." He paused. "And frankly, I think this is karma for all the times you've pranked Sarge.  
"When the hell did this turn into some sort of intervention?" Grif asked. "I thought you guys wanted to announce something."

"That's where you're right, Grif." Wash nodded. "Surprisingly, there _is_ something we wanted to talk about that's more important than your poor dental hygiene."

"Fuck you," Grif said, flipping him off.

"Go on, Wash." Carolina said, standing next to York.

"It has come to our attention that, for unnamed reasons, we're running low on supplies," He began. "And our next shipment isn't scheduled to come by for at least two weeks." He said, giving Grif a pointed look. "Now, I won't say that _someone here_ has been eating all of our rations, but I will acknowledge that the addition of four new people has put a strain on our already low food supply." He continued. Grif squirmed uncomfortably under Washington's gaze.

"So… How do you plan on fixing this problem?" Grif asked awkwardly.

"First of all, I'm having Simmons install security cameras in both supply rooms." Wash said, nodding at Simmons.

"God dammit," Grif and California said at the same time, mostly to themselves.

"Wait, why are you upset?" Grif asked Cali, confused.

"Hey, I have two kids to feed. Cut me some slack." Cali said defensively, arms crossed.

"And those two kids would be…?" Carolina asked.

"I hardly think Caboose counts as a kid." Grif said.

"Are you sure about that? Up until three weeks ago, he slept with a teddy bear." Tucker said.

"You bring up a good point, Tucker." Sarge grunted.

"Isn't it a bit weird that she refers to Caboose as a kid when they're dating?" Simmons asked.

"You guys have got it all wrong, the kid ain't Caboose." California snorted. "I'm talking about Satchel Gizmo and Taco."

"Satchel Gizmo and who?" Grif asked, head tilted to the side.

"She's talking about the turtle that she's holding," Simmons whispered to him in response.

"You mean the plush turtle?" Grif asked for clarification.

"Yes." Simmons replied.

"That one, over there?" Grif asked.

"Yes."

"The green one?"

"Shut the fuck up, moron." Simmons said.

"You do realize that you're talking about a stuffed animal, right?" Wash asked, eyebrow raised.

"Bad idea, Wash. Bad idea." York groaned. California's eye began to twitch.

"…Stuffed animal?" She said quietly. "Stuffed animal?" She repeated, getting louder. "STUFFED ANIMAL?! I'LL SHOW YOU A MOTHER FUCKING STUFFED ANIMAL. I'M GOING TO STUFF YOU LIKE A FUCKING THANKSGIVING TURKEY, PRETTY BOY." California growled, voice low and loud. "OR AT LEAST I WOULD, IF YOUR FACE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE THAT."

"…I'm sorry I asked." Wash said. Everything got eerily quiet. "Could you please put the gun down, or at least stop pointing it at me?"

"Oh, so Maxine is an 'it' now? Huh? HUH?" California yelled. "LOOK, YOU LITTLE-"

"Hey Cali," York said. "Look over there!" He said, pointing at nothing in particular, in the distance.

"Oooh, what is it?" California said, turning around, completely forgetting what she was mad about.

"I'd be careful if I were you," York whispered to Wash. "She can be pretty unstable."

"What makes you say that?" Wash asked sarcastically.

"She actually likes you a lot." York said. "She always wanted to hear stories about you when we were travelling and she couldn't sleep. She said that you're her favorite Freelancer, besides me." York explained.

"Yeah, that doesn't quite add up, for some reason." Wash said.

"It's just because… 'Taco' is a touchy subject for her. Trust me." York said. "He's one of the only ones in her life she feels didn't abandon her at one point or another."

"Oh." Wash said.

"She looks up to you, more than she does me." York said.

"Yoooork, why did you point over there? The only thing interesting in that area is that pig munching on some weeds." California paused, squinting her eyes. "No wait, that's just weed."

"Tucker, what did I say about the weed farm?!" Carolina growled.

"What? Don't look at me! We're at Red Base." Tucker said. "Jesus Christ, calm down. I only asked for one as a joke."

"Where are you looking at? I don't see any pigs. Plus, I don't think weed grows here. It's not the right climate." Simmons asked.

"And how the fuck do you know what climate weed grows in?" Grif asked.

"I- It's just something that you know! You know, naturally!" Simmons stuttered.

"I'm looking over there," Cali said, pointing.

"Oh no, my herb garden!" Donut gasped.

"Don't worry babe, you can grow your herbs in _my_ garden any time…" Sherri said flirtatiously, with a slight lisp.

"Dude, that's a fucking goat, not a pig." Tucker pointed out. "The fuck are you talking about?"

"I dunno, it kinda looks like a pony." Caboose said, squinting.

"Shut up, Caboose." Church said. "Wash, can you check her out with your Bio Scanner? I think there's something wrong with her."

"Sure, I'll take a look." Wash said, getting the device out. He pointed it at her for a few seconds and checked the screen. "Uh oh."

"What? Why 'uh oh'?" Simmons asked. "What's wrong with her?"

"York, how long did you say she was off of her meds for?" Wash asked.

"Three months." York replied. "Oh… shit."

"Doesn't she have paranoid schizophreni- Oh." Tucker said.

"Not anymore," Cali said. "Regina says I'm fine."

"Regina? Who the fuck is Regina?" Grif asked, bemused.

"You know, my psychologist friend. Regina Philange." California said. "C'mon guys, she's standing right there. Can't you see her?"

"Uh… Where?" Simmons asked.

"Next to Private Ride. The Scottish girl." Cali said.

"Scottish?" Ride said quizzically.

"Oh, sorry." Cali said. "Sometimes I'm so stupid. I meant Canadian."

There was a long pause, where everyone looked around Private Ride. There was nobody next to her except Grif.

"Oh, Regina _Philange_? Man, do I love her!" Donut exclaimed.

"Care to explain?" Wash asked.

"Sure! She's Pheobe Buffay's alter ego on the hit American TV show, _Friends_!" Donut said.

"Yeah, she's definitely hallucinating." Grif said.

"Should we call Doc?" Simmons asked.

"That would probably be a good idea." Wash said. "Let me radio him." He paused. "Hey Doc? Get down here. We're all at Red Base, and we need your medical expertise."

" _Really? What happened?"_ Doc asked over the radio.

"We think California is having a… psychotic episode." Wash explained carefully.

" _Oh boy. In that case, I'll be right over."_ Doc said, turning off his radio and getting up. At this point, he was staying in a small shack in between the two bases. He began to head out.

"Okay, he should be here any minute." Wash said. He turned to Cali. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Sure, Shakira!" Cali said airily.

"I'm not Shakira." Wash said.

"Oh, sorry. Jennifer Lopez it is, then." Cali shrugged.

"I give up," Wash sighed.

They all waited for Doc to show up. Five minutes later, Doc jogged over to them from behind a small hill.

"Hey guys, what seems to be the problem?" He said cheerily.

"Agent Washingtub says Cali is having a psych- psychota- psy-" Caboose said, getting cut off.

"The crazy chick in the blue armor is having a mental breakdown." Tucker said, interrupting Caboose mid-sentence.

"Oh." Doc said, turning to face Cali. "Any specific symptoms?"

"She's hearing voices, seeing things, suffering from delusions, and is a little emotionally unstable." Wash said.

"Who the hell are you calling 'emotionally unstable', bitch?" Cali protested.

"I rest my case." Wash said. "Anyway, she's been off of her regular medication for at least three months. She's been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia."

"And what would that medication be, young lady?" Doc asked politely.

"Geodon. Also, you can call me Rachel." Cali said with a smile. She shook his hand.

"How come only _he_ gets to call you by your first name?" Grif asked.

"He has the drugs." California deadpanned.

"Figures." Simmons said.

"What did you say, Pony Boy?" Cali said, turning to face him, an eerie smile on her face.

"N-nothing." Simmons stuttered. It was unclear whether it was because she was a girl, or if he was actually scared of her.

"Come with me, and I'll check if I have the medication that you need, Rachel." Doc said.

"Okay!" Cali said, brightening. She began to follow Doc to his office, with Taco in hand, battle rifle in the other, and Gizmo on her heels.

"Sometimes I really worry about that girl," York sighed, putting an arm around Carolina's shoulder, who had remained silent through most of the ordeal.

"That's understandable," She said.

"She's usually much more respectful towards other people." York said. "I think her condition is really starting to get to her."

"You think?" Carolina snorted.


	19. BBL

"It looks like I don't have any of the medications that you need," Doc said, scratching his head. "To be honest, I didn't expect someone with so many mental issues to even make it in to the military."

"Thanks," Cali said brightly.

"I'm not sure you know what I mean," Doc said.

"Eh." Cali said, shrugging.

"It looks like I'll be able to order your medication, but I'll need the authorization and supervision of an actual doctor." Doc explained.

"Aren't you a doctor?" Cali asked, tilting her head to the side in confusion.

"No, I'm a medic." Doc said. "Why?"

"Everyone here calls you Doc…" Cali said.

"Ah. I can see how that would cause you some confusion." Doc said.

"How long will it take them to get here?" She asked.

"About a week." He replied. "In the meantime, I suggest spending a lot of time relaxing and picking up a hobby on the side, preferably one that doesn't involve guns."

"Sweet!" Cali said, pumping her fist in the air.

"No knives or explosives, either."

"God dammit." She said, pouting. Gizmo squeaked in protest.

"You sound like you have a good voice," Doc said. "Have you tried singing?"

"Hellz yeah! I was in choir for all four years of high school!" She said.

"Great! I think we're all done here. I'll just radio command and request your medication and your doctor." Doc said. "You should go back to your briefing now."

"Thanks, Doc!" Cali said. "C'mon, Gizmo, Taco! Let's go!" She walked out the door, followed by Satchel Gizmo. She closed the door behind them.

-oOoOoOo-

"As I was saying, we're running low on supplies." Wash said. "So, we're going to use the carrier that landed here to fly over to York and California's ship and retrieve their inventory. Then- Oh God."

"Heeeey guys, I'm back!" Cali said, waving and jogging over.

"Woohoo! Alright!" Donut cheered.

"Sorry for yelling at you, Wash. It won't happen again- probably." California said, scratching her neck.

"Did Doc tell you to say that?" York asked.

"No. He just told me to take up a hobby that doesn't involve firing Maxine." Cali said. "It's all good."

"It's okay. I think. Just don't let it happen again." Wash said.

"All right!" California whooped.

"Don't hug me." Wash said.

"Aw come on, Wash. Don't be a killjoy." Cali pouted.

"OOH, ooh, can you hug me?" Caboose asked excitedly.

"Sure, Bunny-face!" Cali said. She got into a running start position, and silently counted to three in her head. "HYAAAAAAAAAAHH!" She yelled, giving Caboose a huge tackle-hug. He didn't budge an inch. She squeezed him tightly with her arms. Gizmo leaped onto Caboose's face, grabbing on and holding tightly.

"Hagh," Caboose said, mouth full of Gizmo's fur.

"Ugh, enough with the cheesy nicknames. It's gross." Tucker groaned.

"Quiet, Aqua Lad. I do that to everyone." Cali said, letting go of Caboose.

"Hah!" Grif snorted.

"What're you laughing about, Lemonhead?" Cali growled playfully, hand on her hip.

"Hey! I'm orange, God dammit!" Grif growled not-so-playfully.

"Seriously, _that's_ the part you're concerned about?" Church asked.

"What's your problem, Grif?" Simmons asked indignantly. " _I'm_ the one she's calling Pony Boy." He sighed. "I didn't even _like_ that movie."

" _As I was saying_ ," Wash said, "We're going to fly our new carrier to your ship, and pick up your supplies. Understand?"

"Good plan, boss man." Cali said. "Hey, that rhymed!"

"Yeah, that's great." Wash said quickly. "Any questions?"

"OOH, ooh, can we give Agent Washingtub a nickname?!" Caboose said.

"No." Wash said firmly.

"Wait a minute-" Simmons began. " _We_ all get stupid nicknames, but you go on scot-free?" He put his hands on his hips. "That's not fair."

"Yeah, Wash. What's the big deal?" Grif asked.

"You just _called_ me by my nickname, dumbass." Wash sighed.

"Well yeah, but it's not as stupid as Aqua Lad." Tucker said. He turned to face Cali. "Why don't you call me Aqua _Man_? That's a more fitting title for a badass like myself. I'm not a sidekick, or a kid. 'Lad' doesn't fit."

"Tch. Yeah, right. Check back with me once you get a girlfriend." Cali snorted.

"God dammit," Tucker swore.

"Fine, fine. Lay it on me." Wash said, sighing. He covered his face with his hand, preparing for the worst.

"You got it, Man of Steel." California said, smiling wickedly.

"Wait- what?" Simmons said, voice cracking and getting all high. "That's- that… WHAT?"

"Hm. Surprisingly, not as bad as I expected." Wash said, lowering his hand.

"Not as bad? _Not as bad?!_ She just fucking called you Superman!" Tucker yelled.

"Out of curiosity, what would my nickname be?" Carolina asked, out of the blue. Everyone fell silent and turned to look at her.

"You… want a nickname?" York asked tentatively. "In all the years I've known you, you've _never_ wanted a nickname."

"What are you talking about?" Carolina asked.

"Last time I tried calling you 'sweet cheeks,' you rabbit-punched me in the sternum." York elaborated.

"Epsilon told me to try and loosen up." Carolina explained. "I'm just taking his advice."

"I actually don't know…" Cali said, scratching her head. "I can't riff off of your armor color, since Aqua Lad is taken. I can't think of a cool nickname that sounds like 'Carolina,' and frankly, the only thing I can come up with is the acronym 'BBL.'"

"BBL?" Carolina and York asked at the same time.

"Bitchin' Badass Lady." Cali explained.

"I think _somebody's_ playing favorites," York said, slightly teasingly.

"It's not my fault that you kept telling me stories about them," Cali whined. "I hardly know anything about these guys." She said. "Although I do like Grif. I'll have to think of a better name for him."

"Fuck yeah," Grif said.

"What about me?" Donut asked.

"Don't think I forgot about you… _Agent Double-O Donut."_ Cali said with a sly smile, winking.

"Aw man! How did you know?" Donut asked gleefully. "I never got any of these guys to call me that!"

"That's because it's ridiculous." Grif said.

"Ridiculously awesome!" Donut said fabulously.

"I'm beginning to like you, Donut." Cali said.

"That makes one of you," Sarge grunted.

"I like Donut too," Sherri said with a slight lisp, grabbing hold of Donut's arm and leaning on his shoulder.

"Aw, thanks! I like you too!" Donut said. "I'd toss with you any day!"

"Grenades?" Grif asked.

"Sure!" Donut replied.

"Okay then…" Wash said. "My other announcement was that we are going to continue our training regimen starting tomorrow."

"God dammit!" Grif groaned. "We're not even in a war! There's no one to fight! What's the point of training?!"

"For one thing, it's healthy." Cali said. "For another thing, exercising helps prevent depression."

"That's right. Good job." Wash said. "See? Even _she_ understands the importance of training, and she isn't even technically a soldier. No offense."

"None taken." Cali said. "I played tennis in highschool!"

"Yeah, yeah. Good for you." Wash said. He turned to face the crowd of Reds and Blues. "Right now, we're all going to board the carrier in the middle of the canyon, fly to the ship, then retrieve York and California's supplies."

"Does that mean I get to bring all of my personal stuff?" Cali asked.

"Depends on what you mean by 'personal stuff,'" Wash said. "What are we talking about?"

"Yeah, are you talking about stuffed animals or tampons?" Tucker asked.

"Oh you know, Cat Fancy magazines, my stuffed unicorn, Pokemon cards, my Xbox One, my Pokemon games, my backup 3DS, my gaming PC, Gizmo's clothes, my shuriken collection, my land mines, rocket launcher, my flamethrower…" California listed. "You know, normal teenage girl stuff!"

"…Are you sure about that?" Simmons asked.

"What the fuck is a shuriken?" Tucker asked.

"It's a ninja star." Wash said. He turned to face California. "Where did you get the money to buy all of that? I thought you were broke."

"Most of the stuff I took from the lab I was held in. For the rest, I bought all of them from the money I got from all the wallets that were left behind." She said. "Also, York doesn't know about this, but I made a bunch of money saying I could communicate with the dead."

"What?" York asked, dumbstruck.

"Yeah… after a few weeks, the voices all tried convincing me that they were the spirits of the dead, and each of them tried to get me to talk to people that I pass by." Cali said. "I actually have a website." She said. "I

" only take ."

"Are you seriously saying that you can _talk to the dead_?" Grif asked.

"I dunno, but it seemed pretty real. I mean, everything they said matched up." Cali said. "I gave a bunch of people the closure I never got from my parents, _and_ I got paid. Seems like a pretty sweet deal to me, either way." She continued.

"So, is it like a party trick where you can do it on demand, or do you have to wait?" Grif asked.

"Why are _you_ so interested? I thought you didn't believe in that stuff, ever since we proved Church was an AI." Simmons asked.

"I don't! It's just that… there's someone that I was hoping she could talk to." Grif admitted.

"Is it your sister?" Ride whispered into Grif's ear.

"Yeah…" He said.

"I dunno, it just comes and goes." Cali said. "What's their name?"

"Kaikaina Grif." Grif responded.

"Oh, I met her!" Cali said cheerfully.

"Oh God…" Grif groaned.

"Dude… are you crying?" Tucker asked.

"No…"Grif sniffled behind his visor.

"No, you don't understand." Cali said. "I _met_ her. She's _alive_. I have her phone number. It's on the ship."

"What?" Grif asked. "And you didn't think that was important enough to tell me before now?"

"Sorry, I just didn't put three and four together right away. It was a while back, and she didn't know you were alive." Cali explained.

"I think you mean you didn't put _two and two_ together," Simmons corrected.

"Meh." Cali said.

"Forget this! I'm going to get to that ship ASAP." Grif said, jogging to the carrier.

"Wait for me!" Cali said, running after him. She dropped Maxine, and took Taco in both arms. "Hang on, little guy!" She exclaimed as Gizmo followed her, squeaking along the way.

"Well, I guess we're going, then." Wash said. "York, do you know how to fly that thing?"

"I think I can figure it out," York replied. He turned towards Carolina and bowed, motioning with his hands, saying "After you, my dear. Ladies first." Carolina smirked.

"That means you should go first." She replied, chuckling.

"C'mon, Carolina. Why'd you have to ruin the game?" York whined.

"I don't just ruin it. I play to win." Carolina retorted.

"Shouldn't we all be following them?" Simmons asked.

"Last one there's a rotten egg!" Donut yelled, running after California.

"Here we go," Tucker sighed. "Hey guys, wait up!"

-oOoOoOo-

Hey guys! Someone told me about how they liked how I made California schizophrenic, and I felt like I had to tell you this. I'm actually recovering from paranoid schizophrenia myself just like her, and I'm basing her on my experiences of being mentally unstable. I'm trying to make the pain I went through into something positive and entertaining for you guys. California is a metaphor for me, with a few exaggerations (I'm not adopted, my parents are alive). A lot of the things that have happened in Cali's life is based on my own life, so I guess you can say that she... *gasp* is a self-insert. We're the same, but different. She's the interpretation and translation of myself. However, I'd like to think that she is a totally different person than me. I'm definitely more calm and sane now, and California is my way of looking back on my life and finding a way to smile.

Honestly, I never imagined or realized California dating Caboose being a thing, but that's what you guys wanted, so I gave it to you. Lulz. I'm interested to see where their relationship goes.

Happy hunting,

Enirehtac "Ocat Eltrut" Odraleba


	20. Smooth Moves

"Huh, this shouldn't be too hard." York said, standing at the helm with Wash and Carolina as the rest of the Reds and Blues waited in the other part of the ship. "Let's see… All I have to do is pull this lever, press these buttons, and…" He was interrupted by the sound of the ship's engine powering on.

"I'm impressed," Carolina and Wash said at the same time. "Now, let's see if you can get us to that ship of yours." Carolina said.

"You got it, baby." York said, winking and nodding at her. "God, are you hot."

"I hope to God you were talking to her," Wash said, arms crossed.

"So what if I wasn't?" York joked, chuckling. He pulled a few levers and pressed a few buttons. He checked the monitor.

"I dunno, Wash is pretty hot." Cali said, popping up out of nowhere. "I'm surprised he doesn't have a girlfriend."

"How long have you been standing there?" York asked.

"About ten minutes. I came before the engine turned on." Cali responded. "I'm surprised you didn't notice; I've been staring at David the entire time."

"Uh... How do you know my real name?" Wash asked uneasily.

"That's for me to know and you to never find out, sweet-cheeks." Cali said vaguely. There was an awkward silence. "Eh. I'm bored. I'm going back to the hold." She said, walking out of the room.

"Uh. Was she... flirting?" Washington asked.

"You know, I can never tell with her." York shrugged.

"Sounds like someone likes you," Carolina said teasingly.

"Dear God..." Wash sighed.

"Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats and fasten your seatbelts." York said over the intercom. "Get ready for the smoothest ride of your life!"

* * *

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Grif groaned, stumbling out of the carrier, leaning on Simmons.

"Grif, you pathetic pansy, that was nothing!" Sarge grunted. "Didn't I tell you anything about my experiences at the rodeo?!" He said, cocking his shotgun.

"Actually, sir, I don't think that's comparable." Simmons said.

"Shut up, Simmons." Sarge grunted.

"I can't feel my face..." Sherri whimpered. She took a few steps, removed her helmet, doubled over, and hurled in a bush as Donut patted her back. His helmet was off, and he was trying to keep himself from gagging.

"Smoothest ride of our lives, huh?" Carolina retorted, leaning against the side of the ship, arms crossed.

"Oh God, my stomach..." Wash groaned, bent over.

"Hey, I'm working on it. No need to be mean," York said, hands in the air as the rest of the Reds and Blues exited the vehicle.

"I dunno what you guys are talking about; Caboose and I are fine." Cali said, removing her helmet, breathing in the fresh air. "Ah, nature." She and Caboose were holding hands. Gizmo stumbled around next to them, dizzy and confused. He tried to stand on his hind legs, and fell flat on his face.

"I got to hold in the contents of my stomach!" Caboose cheered. "Fun times."

"Yeah, easy for you to say." Church snorted. "You accidentally opened the airlock and almost killed us all."

"Not my fault. Tucker did it." Caboose said quickly.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" Said Tucker. "Anyway, when do we see Sister? I'd like to take her grade-A loins off the meat market."

"If my stomach weren't inverted right now, I'd fucking nail you right in the face." Grif growled.

"Bow chicka bow wow!" Cali said, springing for the opportunity.

"Hey, that's my line, bitch!" Tucker said.

"You snooze you lose, motherfucker." Cali snorted.

"Guys, settle down." Wash said, regaining his bearings. "As soon as everyone is fine, we're heading for the ship. It shouldn't be too far."

"Wait, why didn't you land next to it to make this easier?" Simmons asked.

"Yeah, and why didn't we see it from the air?" Tucker asked. "It's a fucking spaceship."

Suddenly, York groaned.

"What's the matter?" Asked Carolina.

"Cali..." he said. "Did you turn on the camouflage?"

"Yeah, so nobody could find us." Cali said. "Is that not what you wanted?"

"Great..." Wash said, putting his hand to his head. Everyone groaned.

"I dunno what you guys are so bummed about, I remember where it is." Cali said, fastening her helmet. "It's over there, right next to Jessica Simpson." She said, pointing.

"Uh, Cali?" Tucker said. "That's a cactus."

"Yeah, and if anything, it looks more like Jennifer Lopez." Simmons pointed out.

"Watch, I'll show you." Cali said, picking up a rock. She stepped back, aimed, and threw it. There was a metallic _clunk_ as it hit an unseen object. She walked over to where it hit. "Now, all I have to do is..." she pressed an invisible button, and a door opened. "See? What did I tell ya?"

"Alright, let's get this over with." York said.

"Everyone, grab anything that could be useful, and put it on the carrier. Food, clothes, water, that sort of thing."

* * *

Thirty minutes later, the carrier was filled with life's necessities, plus other supplies. Cali and York's stuff was currently being loaded into the vehicle. Everyone carried one to two boxes each.

Carolina was walking to the ship, carrying a large box, when York stopped her.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," she replied.

"That looks pretty heavy." York said, whistling. "I should probably get that for you."

"Why? Do you think I'm not capable of pulling my own weight?" Carolina asked.

"I just think that a pretty little lady like you shouldn't be overworking herself," York said, a goofy smile on his face, unseen behind his visor, but sensed by Carolina.

"Call me 'little lady' again, and it's your corpse that I'll be carrying to the ship." She chided.

"God, you're hot." York chuckled.

"I know." Carolina replied.

"Seriously, let me get that for you." York said, reaching out with his hands.

"Are you sure you can handle this?" Carolina asked, concerned. "You might have experienced muscle atrophy when you were dead."

"Don't worry about it, I'll be fine." York said, waving a hand.

"Okay then, big boy..." She replied, handing him the box.

"See? This isn't so ba- _hrnghh_ ," York grunted, under the crushing weight of the box. "What the hell is in this thing?"

"No idea. It's labelled 'My Toys.' It's probably California's." Carolina shrugged.

"Hey guys!" Cali said, walking by with a large box of canned goods. "Be careful, you don't want to trigger my collection of flamethrowers and explosives."

"Cali, why the hell do you keep your flamethrowers, C4, and landmines all in the same box?"

"Semantics." Cali deadpanned.

"Alright, guys. Time to go." Wash called out in front of the carrier. "Finish loading everything you've got and get inside."

"Sorry ladies, no time to chat. They need me in the control room." York grinned, nodding at Carolina. "Now, if only I could get this to the cargo hold..."

"I'll be taking that," Carolina said, grabbing the box of explosives.

" _Oh thank god-_ Er, I meant, you really didn't need to do that," He said, sighing with relief.

"It's my pleasure." Carolina said. The three of them walked to the carrier where the rest of the guys were waiting for them, mentally patting themselves on the back for a job well done.

* * *

-oOoOoOo-

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys! I'm sooo sorry I haven't been updating. I've been really busy with my sophomore year of high school. I've given new focus to my grades, and it's taking its toll. I just want to let you know that even when I don't post in a while, I'm still working on this story bit by bit. I'm not giving up on this story. It, and you guys, mean too much to me.

I recently started taking Spanish, so I might add Lopez to the story as a cameo :D

My Luca- Hey! Yeah, you're totally right. I'm only 15, almost 16. I care a lot about other people, especially Taco the turtle. He's like my son :3 That's why I want to be either a psychologist or a therapist when I grow up, to help other people who might be lonely or misunderstood.

To the guest that asked why my update has been taking so long "Because it's not like your chapters even take more than five minutes to read in the first place"- I'm sorry, but I recently got a life, and it's a pretty good one. I don't have as much time as I like to write. I also like the fact that it's a funny, quick, and a mostly easy to understand read, mostly because I'm not at the level to make stuff that is long and complicated. I just don't have the time, skill. or attention span.

And on that note, _Hasta la vista, mi amigos._


	21. Dibs

"Ok, let's get this stuff off of this carrier and into the base." Carolina said, pointing firmly towards said ship.

"Aw man, more heavy lifting?" Grif complained.

"Shut up, Grif. Donut and I were the ones who carried the furniture. All you carried was a box of vacuum-sealed pillows and a pack of Slim Jims." Simmons chided.

"Hey, for your information, I went back and got the microwave." Grif said. "Then I got the box of popcorn."

"Okay, I'll give you that. That popcorn was Costco-bulk." Simmons relented. He turned towards the Freelancers. "Which base do we move this stuff to?"

"Dibs on the throw pillows!" Donut yelled.

"I'm taking my stuff. You guys can keep the rest." Cali said.

"What, the weapons and equipment?" Tucker asked.

"No, the stuffed animals and the furniture." Cali deadpanned.

"Cali..." York prodded.

"Ugh, fine. I'll take the stuffed animals." She relented. "But I call dibs on the bacon."

"God dammit!" Grif said. "Dibs on the couch, then."

"We already have a couch, dumbass." Simmons said.

"Yeah, but it's dirty." Grif replied.

"That's because you keep spilling whipped cream and beer on it! Your Oreo and snack cake crumbs are everywhere." Simmons protested.

Suddenly, Wash stepped in. "Okay, okay. California keeps and _shares_ her things, we get the rest, and Grif gets the vacuum cleaner."

"Woo!" Cali said, pumping her fist.

"We split the food fifty-fifty." Carolina added. "I expect that that shouldn't be hard, because most of the food here are individually wrapped pieces of junk food." She said, giving York a pointed look.

"What are you looking at me for? I bought the frozen and fresh foods. The junk food just appeared out of nowhere." York protested. California whistled casually.

"Alright, let's just get on the ship." Wash said. "Move it or lose it, people. Last one on the carrier has to give me five laps around the base when we get back."

"ANARCHYYYYYYY!" California screamed, running into the carrier.

"AHHHHHH!" Caboose shouted, following her. "WHY ARE WE YELLING?!"

"Kids these days…" York chuckled nervously. Washington and Carolina gave him an odd look. He sighed. "Let's get outta here."

* * *

Back at the middle of the canyon, everyone was splitting up the crap they took from the ship.

"I want the fucking popcorn!" Grif yelled, grappling over a box of it with Simmons.

"No way! It's gonna make a huge mess. Take the Altoids." Simmons exclaimed.

"What are you trying to say? That my breath stinks?!"

"That's exactly what I'm trying to say!" Simmons said.

"My breath doesn't smell that bad!" Grif protested. "As your superior, I command you to tell him, Private Ride!"

"I can smell your breath from here, _sir._ " Ride said, pretending to gag. "Maybe I should congratulate you, because I'm standing at least ten yards from you. This must be some sort of record."

"Man, you don't know anything." Grif grumbled.

"Grif, as your superior, I command you to shut the hell up." Sarge grunted. "This is just what those dirty Blues want… A breakdown of the hierarchy of our command! Red on Red action! We have to stick together, so we can win!"

"Hey Donut, how about _we_ get in on some of that red on red action?" Sherri said with a slight lisp.

"Now you're talkin'!" Donut said.

"Hey baby, how you doin'?" Tucker said to Ride, hands on his hips.

"Back off, dipwad." Ride growled. She picked up three boxes of Cheerios, and started walking back to Red Base.

"Cool, she left the Lucky Charms!" Cali cheered, picking up two large boxes of cereal. "C'mon, Caboose, grab something!"

"Okay!" he replied enthusiastically. He strode over to California, and promptly lifted her up.

"Not what I meant, Caboose." Cali said patiently. "Carry those blankets, 'kay?"

"Yeah, I knew that." Caboose said nonchalantly. He put Cali down, and picked up a small pile of blankets.

"Good boy," Cali said, getting on her toes and patting him on the head. "C'mon, Gizmo. Let's go." Gizmo squeaked in response, nodding his head while carrying Taco in his mouth. He combed the fur on his head with his claws, then proceeded to follow his adoptive parents.

When they were out of earshot, Simmons said, "Am I the only one who's weirded out by this whole situation?"

"What do you mean?" York asked.

"Well, she's technically half his age, for one thing." Simmons said. "They have the world's biggest space rat for a kid."

"So what? I've seen weirder things happen." Grif said.

"Well yeah, that's because your first girlfriend had a dick." Tucker replied.

"What?" Ride asked, stupified.

"Damn it, Tucker." Grif growled.

"Ew…" Sherri said, thoroughly creeped out.

"This is the best news I've ever heard…" Ride said, bursting out into hysterical laughter.

"It's not funny!" Grif said indignantly. He paused. "Tucker had sex with an alien!"

"Dude, what the fuck?!" Tucker exclaimed. "This means war!" He paused to think of how to retaliate. "Grif cried when a girl touched his arm at a school dance!"

"That was me, dumbass! You promised you wouldn't tell!" Simmons cried.

"Hey, I still have video evidence of that!" Donut said.

"Serves you right for starting this mess." Grif grunted.

"Oh yeah? Well at least my mom wasn't both the bearded lady _and_ the fat lady at the Hawaiian circus!" Simmons yelled.

"How dare you bring my mother into this?!" Grif yelled, voice cracking.

"Hey, Tucker's the one who banged your sister!" Simmons said quickly.

"That's right I am!" Tucker chuckled. "Up top!" He said, raising his hand for a hi-five. Grif stared at him blankly. "No? Ok."

" _Stop. Just stop. All of you,"_ Carolina said forcefully. "I've just about had enough of this. York, Washington and I are going to take care of the unpacking. You are all going to go to your rooms and _be quiet._ " She commanded. "Where is Sarge?"

"I don't know," Simmons said.

"I'm right here!" Sarge said, casually strolling out of the carrier.

"Sarge… what's in your hands?" Wash asked.

"I have no idea, but it sure does beat the hell out of the weapons we normally have." Sarge chuckled, holding a purple gun with needles sticking out of it.

"That's a Needler, Cali got it from Junior as a goodbye present. It's alien tech." York said.

"Well, I like it." Sarge said.

"That's great." Carolina said sardonically. "Everyone, rooms. Now. I meant it."

"Fine, fine." Grif grumbled.

"I blame you for this." Simmons said.

"What the fuck did I do?" Grif asked.

" _Now."_ Carolina growled.

"Okay, okay! Jesus Christ." Tucker said. "Why can't you two ever shut up?" He said as they walked towards their separate bases, the girls trailing behind them.

"Not helping." Wash said.

As soon as they were out of earshot, York joked to Carolina, "And you said you wouldn't make a good mom."

"Yeah, I had a lot of practice with you." She chided.

"To be fair, it takes a lot of skill to be a parent. You've been making a lot of progress." Wash said. "Last time Tucker didn't wash the dishes, you didn't even threaten to rip his spleen out. Again."

"You don't know the half of it." Carolina sighed.

"So… Who gets the microwave and the mini fridge?" York asked.

"From what I know about them, the Reds would break it in two days. Or, they would turn it into a robot, and then break it." Wash said.

"That's true." Carolina acknowledged. "We get the microwave, they get the mini fridge."

"This is going to be a lot of work." Wash said. "Well, let's get to it. We don't have all day."

-oOoOo-

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys! Agent Cali here, ready for action! TacoTurtle was busy, so she had me write the author's note. I've gotta say, this is some pretty cool stuff. She told me to tell you that she appreciates every single one of you, which is more than I can say for Wash.

Oops, Wash just told me to delete that. I think I'll keep it. :') I wonder when my meds are coming, cuz Wash keeps getting pissed that I keep mistaking him for random female celebrities. I dunno, man. I think I'd be pretty psyched if someone mistook me for Jessica Rabbit. She's almost as hot as he is.

Heh. I just made David choke on his coffee. Woops. Hold on, let me try something:

I like how Washington is so strict. Such a disciplinarian. I sure would like him to teach me a lesson like the bad girl I am.

LOL, he spilled his coffee and now he's on the floor choking. I better help him. Smell ya later, suckers!


	22. Idiot Wrangling

_***Ride and Grif's room***_

"I can't believe your first girlfriend had a dick." I laugh. "You are unbelievable."

"Hey, at least I _had_ a girlfriend!" Grif said.

"Does that even count as a girlfriend?" I say, holding back a fit of giggles. Annoying as he may be, I can't stop laughing at him.

"No! Yes! ...Shut up." He said lamely. "I thought we had a deal! You were supposed to stop giving me such a hard time."

"Yeah, that's kind of hard to do when you went back on _your_ end of the deal." I snort. "You still walk around our room half naked with your ass hanging out of your mustard- covered shorts." I say. "That doesn't even make sense, since we don't even _have_ mustard here."

"Yeah? Well, I'm a _war hero_ , so suck on that, bitch." Grif says, hands on his hips. He was standing next to the closed door. I sit on my bed.

"Yeah, I heard about that." I say. "But I also heard that you were lazy as fuck, which cancels it out. You made your subordinates run errands for you! That's pathetic."

"Pathetic, or mind-blowing genius?" He replies.

"Pathetic." I say. "Mind-blowingly pathetic."

"Screw you, private." Grif said, flipping me off.

"Oh, you did _not_ just do that." I say menacingly.

"Try me." Grif replied, head cocked. He motions with his hand for me to come at him. I crack my knuckles.

* _ **Simmons' POV***_ _

"What the fuck is all that noise?" I ask myself quietly as I sit at my computer, looking for Vonnie on random dating sites. I was slowly beginning to work out some sort of algorithm to weed out all the other people and just find her.

I got up, and walked over to the wall Grif and I share. "What the hell are you guys doing over there?!" I yell. No answer. All I hear are loud thumps and bumps. I sigh, and walk out of my room. I walk over to Grif's door, and knock three times. "Keep it down in there! Some people are trying to work!"

The noise continues. I open the door, and the first thing I see is Grif lying underneath Ride, the latter with her hands around his neck, choking him.

"Ride!" I cry out.

"Kinda busy here, sir." She grunted, still trying to choke Grif. "Stop squirming! War hero my _arse._ "

"Stop it, you're gonna kill him!" I say, panicking.

"No, I won't. If I do it just right, he'll just be knocked out cold and won't be able to open his stupid mouth to speak for at least three hours." She replied.

"You could get court-marshalled!" I point out, voice cracking.

"That's kind of the idea," She grunts again.

"I'm telling Carolina!" I say, a little too forcefully for her taste.

She stopped. "What did you just say to me?" she asked with a murderous look, looking me dead in the eye.

"N-nothing." I stutter. Words. Words. Use your words, Dick. You can do this. She's a girl. Oh dear god, she's a _girl._ And she's looking _straight at me._ I blank out. "Uhh…"

"Ugh, fine." She said, letting go.

"Oh, thank God…" Grif rasped, collapsing. He rubbed his neck.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you two were gay for each other." Ride said, getting up and cracking her neck.

"Am not!" Grif and I said at the exact same time. We looked at each other.

"Idiots." Ride said, lying down on her bed.

"I think I'm going to get some water…" Grif said, getting up. "Oh God, my throat…"

"Next time, use your brain while talking to me, and that won't happen." Ride sighed. She crossed her legs.

"Bitch…" Grif muttered under his breath as he walked out the door.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." She said. She turned to me, yawning. "Why are you still here?"

"Uh…" I say, totally blanking out. "Imma go now. Bye." I say quickly, dashing out the door.

" _That idiot always finds trouble wherever he goes,"_ I think to myself, walking back to my room. " _Ew, what the hell are Donut and Sherri doing?"_ I think as I pass by their room. Their door is open.

"What the hell, Donut?!" I yell. Sherri is bent over, and Donut is directly behind her.

"Oh hey, Simmons!" Donut said. "Sherri and I were just doing yoga. Wanna join?"

"Hey Sthimmonths!" Sherri said, looking up and waving. I could see directly down her top. I feel myself blushing.

"Uh heh heh yeah no thanks nope" I say quickly, running back to my room. I closed the door behind me, and collapsed onto my office chair.

Just another day in the life of Red Team.

* * *

-oOoOoOo-

Hey, Era here. I'm filling in for Grif, who's filling in for Cali, who's filling in for TacoTurtle. Grif has been in the bathroom for three hours with diarrhea, California's on time out for lacing Grif's food with laxatives, and Tacoturtle is out trick-or-treating. Yay me.

I'm not really sure if I like the way I'm being portrayed in this chapter, which is too short for my taste. It feels good, though, to give that idiot a piece of my mind.

Ugh, Grif's calling me from the bathroom. I can't imagine what he wants me to do. I guess this is goodbye :)

I promise I'm a nicer person than I let on. You'll see.

;) See ya.


	23. Let's Get Physical

"One! Two! Three! Four!" Wash yelled as he stood over Tucker, Grif, and Simmons. They were doing pushups, and for Grif I use the terms 'doing' and 'pushups' loosely.

"Ugh, why do I have to do this?" Grif said breathlessly.

"To stay in shape," Wash replied simply.

"That implies that I was _in_ shape to begin with," Grif protested.

"Stop complaining, Grif. You need this more than any of us." Simmons said, doing his pushups. He was a little proud, because he had made a lot of progress since he first joined the army. He used to be weak and a little lanky. Of course, being a cyborg helped things quite a bit.

"How come California doesn't have to do this?" Grif asked, panting.

"Because exercise makes her hallucinations worse." Doc replied, dressed in workout shorts and a purple T-shirt. He was holding a tennis racquet. "She's also not as developed as you guys, so she couldn't even handle that kind of workout even if she tried." He said, swinging the racquet and hitting the ball to Cali. "That's why we're just playing tennis."

"Hell yeah!" Cali said, hitting the ball back with much force. She was wearing a blue mini-skirt and a white t-shirt, with blue-and-white tennis shoes.

"Why are you wearing your helmet?" Tucker asked as the ball hit Doc in the face.

"That's why," He replied, shaking his head rapidly. "Man, that packed a punch!"

"Can I just play with Cali or something?" Grif whined.

"Be quiet. Even I'm doing it," Ride growled, sweating profusely on the ground.

"Doc, I really thought this would be more of a challenge… You know, since you're both bigger _and_ stronger than me." Cali pouted.

"Cut me some slack, I ran track in high school!" Doc replied.

"Then why am I like, two times faster than you?" Cali asked.

"SILENCE, YOU FOOL!" Doc said, voice turning deep and gravelly.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING A FOOL, NANCY?!" Cali hollered. She reached into the basket next to her and picked up two tennis balls. Tossing them into the air, she yelled "EAT MY FUZZY GREEN BALLS, BITCH!" as she hit them towards Medical Officer DuFresne. One hit him in the visor at what looked to be thirty-four miles per hour, while the other, at an equal speed, zipped towards Wash. He raised a hand and caught it in an instant.

"What did we tell you about self control and not over exerting yourself, California?" Wash said sternly. "And what did I tell you about hitting me?"

"That's no fair!" Cali whined.

"And how is that unfair?" Wash questioned.

"You told me to stop hitting on you, not to stop hitting you with things." Cali said, pouting. "And I've been holding up my end of the deal like a champion."

"That's a fair point," Wash said. "So _now_ I'm telling you _not to hit me in the face with any more tennis balls_."

"Fine…" Cali growled. She put her racquet down. "I don't wanna play anymore. I'm bored and Sir No-Ball's no good."

"That's not nice," Doc tutted.

"Shut up, Chelsea." Cali sighed, walking back towards Blue base. "I'm gonna go see what Donut and Caboose are doing with Taco and Gizmo. Bye Grif, bye Simmons."

"Wait! Take me with you!" Grif begged, collapsing onto the ground. He tried to drag himself across the ground, but stopped from exhaustion after two inches.

"Fat chance!" Cali snapped. She disappeared over a hill.

"Why is she being so bitchy?" Tucker asked.

"It's a common side effect of being off of your regular medication cold turkey for an extended amount of time," Doc said. "You can't really blame her for being moody. It's because of a chemical deficiency in her brain."

"How long until the doctor gets here?" Wash asked.

"Four days." Doc replied. "Even if she starts taking her medication, there's no telling how long it will take to take effect."

"I hope to God it works fast." Grif said.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Simmons asked.

"Nothing. Why? Why are you getting so defensive?" Grif asked.

"My great-aunt had depression. She was the only one who was nice to me, after my mom left." Simmons explained.

"What is it with you and your daddy issues, anyway?" Tucker asked, grunting as he transitioned into situps.

"Shut up, girls like sensitive guys." Ride said. "Even better than super buff macho guys, in most cases."

"Seriously?" Simmons asked incredulously.

"I don't believe you," Tucker said, mentally keeping track of his situps. "Five… six… seven…"

"So what you're saying is that you'd rather date Donut than me?" Grif asked sarcastically.

"Grif, I'd rather date _anyone else_ than you." Ride smirked, getting up and stretching.

"I'm single, baby. How 'bout you give Lavernius Tucker a try?" Tucker said, winking, pausing mid-situp.

"How 'bout you try fucking off?" Ride snorted. "Not a chance."

"Can't blame a guy for trying," he said, shrugging.

"Would you guys please focus on the task at hand?" Wash sighed.

"Fine…" Grif growled. "That reminds me- where the fuck are Carolina and York, anyway? How come they don't have to do this workout?"

"Probably doing their own little workout. You know, some over-the-clothes third base action, if you know what I mean. Wink wink nudge nudge." Tucker leered.

"If you must know- Oh god." Wash dragged his hand down his face, trying to mask the pain that ran deep. He turned to Doc, who was now sitting on the ground trying and failing to juggle tennis balls. "Doc, would you mind explaining?"

"Sure, no problem- _FOOL!"_ He coughed, dropping the tennis balls. "Ahem. Carolina is currently assisting York with his physical therapy inside of Blue Base."

"So I was right!" Tucker exclaimed, pumping his fist. He continued with his situps as Simmons and Grif sat on either side of him. Ride had gotten up and moved a few yards away from them.

"You are are one sick son of a bitch, you know that, right?" Ride said, rolling her eyes.

"Why does he need physical therapy?" Grif asked.

"He underwent muscle atrophy during the five years he was dead, and now he has to rebuild those muscles." Wash said.

"Hey, that sounds like what I have!" Grif said. "Does that mean I don't have to do this?"

"Shut up, Grif. You're just lazy." Simmons chided.

"I prefer the term _physically challenged_." Grif said.

"You got that right," Ride snorted.

"See? Even Private Ride agrees with me!" Grif said, a smug look on his face.

"What? I thought you said _physically unattractive._ " Ride snorted again.

"Fuck you," Grif growled.

"No thanks." Ride said, a disgusted look on her face. Grif simply flipped her off. "Get back to your pitiful excuse for pushups, _sir_."

"Don't tell me what to do," Grif said indignantly.

"You know you love it, Grif." Tucker snickered. "Getting ordered around by a girl."

"Shut up, Tucker." Grif growled.

"Okay, I've had enough." Wash said. "Now, I know making you work out more won't work." He paused, arms crossed. "So, I'm going to make you a proposal."

"Oh, no, you shouldn't have…" Tucker said sarcastically. "I don't think we're ready to come out yet."

"Not that kind of proposal." Wash snapped. "As you know, Thanksgiving is coming up."

"It is?" Simmons asked.

"Yes, it is. If you can get along for _fifteen minutes,_ we're going to have… a sort of celebration, if you will." Wash said.

"Celebration?" Ride asked. "You mean, like a party?"

"Yes, a party." Wash nodded.

"Will there be booze?" Grif asked.

"You tell me," Wash replied.

"Hell yeah!" Tucker said, sitting up.

"Woo!" Cali cheered, wearing Taco on her head. Gizmo crouched next to her. Everyone did a double take.

"Where the fuck did you come from?! I thought you left." Simmons yelped.

"Is your rat wearing… a child-size top hat?" Wash asked.

"You bet your sweet, sweet ass he is!" Cali said, a maniacal grin on her face. "Donut, Sherri, and Caboose were playing dress-up with him."

"Aw, he's so cute!" Ride said.

"Thanks!" Cali said. Gizmo squeaked with indignance, perhaps because he thought the top hat was a bit much. "He appreciates your concern. We appreciate your call. Have a nice day!"

"Okay?" Ride said, a little creeped out. There was an awkward silence.

"...So, who are you guys thinking of bringing to the party?" Cali asked.

"What do you mean, like a date?" Tucker asked. "Man, I haven't been on a date for a long time." Tucker said, stretching.

"Hey, I just realized something." Grif said.

"Yeah?" Simmons asked.

"There is a girl for every guy here in Blood Gulch, except for me, Tucker, and Wash." Grif replied.

"Excuse me?" Ride said, glaring at Grif.

"You said you didn't like me, and you rejected Tucker!" Grif exclaimed.

"Yeah, but you could've included me and Simmons." She snorted.

"What about Sarge?" Simmons asked. He immediately regretted it. There was another awkward silence.

"Yeah, he doesn't count." Grif said.

"Agreed." Ride replied.

"Wait, so Caboose counts?" Tucker asked incredulously.

"Well duh, I'm right here." Cali said, waving a hand. "Has it been fifteen minutes yet? I'm bored and feel the need to insult someone."

"Man, are we the only ones who _don't_ have dates to this thing?" Simmons asked Wash and Tucker.

"That's right." Wash said.

"For some of you, it doesn't seem to be the first time." Ride said offhandedly.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Grif asked.

"Hey Ride, I could probably ditch Caboose during his midday nap and be your date to this," Cali said, winking. All of the guys stared. "What? You didn't know that I swing both ways?"

"Not to be a creeper or anything, but… I think things just got hotter." Tucker joked.

"Pig." Ride snorted.

Wash checked his watch. "Well, that was the longest fifteen minutes of my life." He sighed. "Not too bad, I guess. We've done a lot worse."

"Hey guys?" Doc called out from the makeshift tennis court.

"Yeah?" Wash yelled back.

"I just got a message from Command. It's about Cali's medication."

"What about it?" Wash asked.

"It turns out that we're not just getting a doctor… They're also sending two nurses for extended care." Doc said.

"Are they hot?" Tucker asked.

"Give it a rest, Perv Parade." Ride snorted.

"Hey, that's what we should name our band!" Cali said.

"Also, they're coming a few days early." Doc added.

"When?" Simmons asked.

"Right about… now."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys, it's me! Simmons. Yeah, TacoTurtle just told me to tell you about this new side story she's working on as a sister story to this one. It's an AU crossover between Destiny and RvB, with _fucking dragons_. It explains all you need to know about its star of the show, Cali.

This story is for all the people out there who have nothing to do and like weird random shit. It's totally Cali-centric, and is kind of like a science fiction/fantasy.

It's coming soon, so be on the lookout! Especially if you love Cali. It explains her entire backstory and why she's so crazy.

It's going to be more actiony and shit, so yeah. She says she got the idea a few days ago, and she already has _twelve pages_ written down.

Anyways, have a nice day! Be on the lookout for our Thanksgiving Special, which will most likely be posted after Thanksgiving is over. Honestly, TacoTurtle is complete shit at deadlines.

Bye :')


	24. The New Girls

"What?" Wash asked. "What do you mean, right now?"

"They've already landed next to Red Base." Doc said.

"How did we not see the ship?" Simmons asked.

"They came in a Pelican." Doc replied. "Come on, they're waiting for us." He said, getting up and jogging towards the other base.

"C'mon Gizmo! Moma's gotta get her medication." Cali hooted, bolting after him.

"I guess we better follow them," Wash sighed. He pointed after them, facing the remaining soldiers. "Go jog after them."

"God damn it," Grif growled under his breath, getting up, along with Simmons, Tucker, and Ride. They began to jog. Wash stayed at the back to make sure that they would keep jogging all of the way there.

Twelve minutes later, they were standing at Red base, in front of a Pelican. They waited, some more patiently than others, for the occupants to unload. The cockpit was tinted, so they couldn't see inside.

"Man, these nurses better be hot." Tucker smirked, arms crossed.

"What about the doctor?" Simmons asked.

"The doctor? Are you kidding me?" Grif asked. "Everyone knows that all psychologists are pasty old guys in their sixties."

"I don't know about that. I'm a woman in my thirties," A feminine voice called out.

"Who is that and where is that voice coming from?" Sarge asked.

"Over here, silly!" A figure in lavender armor with yellow highlights said. "This ship opens from the back, you know."

Everyone turned to the rear of the Pelican. The figure waved. "Hey there!"

"Hiya!" Doc said, walking up to her, hand stretched in front of him. "I'm Medical Officer Frank DuFresne. And you are…?"

"I'm Dr. Alexandra H. Floom, MD and PhD." She said. "But you can just call me Alex." She smiled. "Aw, it looks like a little boy found his father's helmet and decided to try it on. Is there a reason you're only wearing a helmet and not a full suit of armor?" She asked.

"Oh, no reason." Doc said casually. "I was just playing tennis with your patient. She's deceptively stronger than she looks." Alex looked at Cali.

"Is this the girl I've heard so much about?" She asked.

"That depends. What did the cops say?" Cali asked, holding Taco in her arms and stroking his shell.

"I only know your diagnosis and what medications you're taking, and how it's been affecting you. Other than that, I'm clueless." She responded.

"Good, good…" Cali said, eyes unfocusing and looking into the distance. She fell into some sort of trance.

"Forget that, where are the hot nurses?" Tucker asked impatiently.

"They should be out shortly. They're just getting the medication." She said, pausing. "Boy, is this helmet stuffy. I don't understand why they insisted I wear this. Hold on just one second," She said, removing her helmet. She shook her long, flowing black hair loose from its bun.

"What does the H stand for?" Cali asked. "You know, in your name."

"Hannah." She said with a smile.

"What kind of fucking last name is Floom?" Grif snorted.

"That's the name I took when I married my late husband Eli," She said cheerfully, passive-aggressively giving Grif a pointed look.

"It's… uh… nice." Grif said awkwardly.

"Smooth moves, jackass." Ride snorted.

"Shut up." Grif said, looking away from embarrassment.

"You must have loved him a lot if you chose to take his last name, no matter how ridiculous it sounds." Sarge grunted.

"And what is your name?" Alex asked, sarcasm stealthily masked by her bubbly attitude.

"Sarge." He grunted.

"Sarge…?"

"Sarge."

"Okie-dokie, then." She smiled. "I think we better wait for my colleagues before we start the rest of the introductions." She turned to face the Pelican. "Guys, are you almost ready?"

Suddenly, two armorless women in nursing uniforms walked out carrying stacks of small boxes. They were talking, smiling, as they turned to face the Reds and Blues currently assembled.

When one of them laid their eyes on a particular soldier, her smile immediately faded into a look of astonishment mixed with panic. She dropped what she was carrying.

"D-David?"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hope you like the CLIFFY! Who is this new girl? WHY DOES SHE KNOW WASH'S REAL NAME?!

Fun Fact: I got the names Alexandra Hannah Floom from real life. Yeah, Alexandra, Hannah, and Eli were my best friends when I was hospitalized. We were all in the mental ward together for depression and anxiety. I combined their names in honor of them, hoping that one day I'll see them again. I don't even know if two of them are alive. I hope they're well.

Anyway, Simmons wasn't kidding when he told you about the dragons. I had this really fucking weird but epic dream that just _had_ to be written down and expanded upon. It gave me Cali's _entire_ backstory, aside from what you already know.

This is all that I'll say- Everything you think you know about California's past? Forget it. You think she was already weird? You ain't seen nothing yet.

Cheers! (Ps. It's coming after a few more chapters, after the Thanksgiving special. Keep your fingers crossed! :D)


	25. Baby, Baby, Baby, NO!

"D-David?" She gasped, dropping the boxes of pills she was carrying.

"Wash, why does the reasonably hot nurse know your name?" Cali asked.

"His name is David?" Grif asked, confused.

Wash froze stone cold, eyes boring into the panicked girls skull.

"Why do you look like you want to kill her?" Simmons asked nervously. Wash stayed silent. He stood stock still. Then, he mentally shook himself.

"Dear God, you've got to fucking be kidding me..." He mumbled to himself.

"What?" Sarge asked.

"Do you know this lady?" Cali asked. The girl in question looked like she was about to cry. Wash didn't respond. He merely stared at her with a blank expression.

"We need to talk. In private." He said simply, with no emotion.

"Okay," She said softly, as if she were scared to face him. He turned around and started walking to a quiet spot he knew in the canyon. The mystery girl followed, shaking.

As soon as they were gone, Tucker said, "Exactly what the fuck just happened?"

"I have no idea, this is the first time I've seen her like this." The other girl replied. She had long brown hair and expressive doe brown eyes. Freckles covered her face.

"David…" the girl sighed. "I'm so sorry."

"I have just one question for you," Wash said seriously, not breaking eye contact.

"Anything," she said. "Ask me anything at all." Wash took a deep breath, as if to calm himself, and began to speak.

"Why did you leave without so much as a goodbye?" Wash asked, face cold as stone. Blank. Devoid of emotion. It seemed pretty clear to her how he felt.

She looked like she was about to cry.

"David, it wasn't you. It wasn't ever you. It was me."

"What do you mean?" Wash asked.

"At the end of senior year, I… I was…" She stuttered, lost for words.

"You were what?" Tucker asked.

"Tucker, I swear to God I will kill you where you stand if you don't leave." Wash growled.

"Fine, fine. Jesus Christ, man. No need to get all violent." Tucker said, raising his hands in defeat, backing away. He walked away, hoping to find the other nurse and see if she wanted to 'chat' or something.

"Jenna, I would appreciate it if you just told me what you have to say," Wash sighed.

"I was pregnant." she gulped.

"…What?" Wash said, blinking, breaking his professional character for once. "You were….?"

"Pregnant. I was pregnant." Jenna sighed.

"Who-What? Wait, _what?"_ Wash stuttered "WHAT?"

"It was my parents- They made me swear to never see you again. They moved me across the country to get away from you." Jenna began to shudder.

"T-they made me get rid of the baby, David. They made me get rid of the baby… my baby… _our_ baby." She sobbed. "They made me get an abortion."

"A-are you sure it was mine?" Wash asked, losing his bearings.

"Yes, dipshit." Jenna growled, through her tears. "Why, do you seriously think that I would actually cheat on you?"

"I'm sorry, I'm just… a bit confused." Wash said. "I mean, we did everything right-"

"Well _I'm_ sorry, David, but sometimes one of the little bastards just gets through!" Jenna screamed, breaking down, falling to her knees. "My baby…" She sobbed, more to herself than to Wash.

"Jenna…" Wash said, crouching down to comfort her. Unsure what to do, he awkwardly wrapped his arms around her, something he had thought he'd never be able to do again. She continued to sob into his shoulder, not caring who or what could see them. She just wanted things to go back to the way they were during high school, before she got pregnant.

"I'm sorry I left you, David. I didn't want to. I know it was stupid of me to listen to them, I just…" She sobbed again. He started rubbing her back comfortingly.

"I know, it's okay. They're your parents; what were you supposed to do?" He said, hushing her. He began to panic, not because he just found out that he could have been a father, but because all of his years of training as a Freelancer had failed to prepare him for this- a woman crying on his shoulder.

"I don't want to lose you again, David." She sobbed, holding onto him for dear life. "I never stopped thinking about you."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Wash asked, not sure if he was going to like what he heard next.

"I still love you." Jenna said, staring into his stormy grey eyes.

"Jenna…" Washington said, not knowing what to say.

"Before you say anything, I just want to say this. I know that that was years ago, you're going to say that it's too late for us, and that we're probably completely different people now, but I just want you to think about it." Jenna said, hushing him and putting a finger to his lips.

"But-"

"Just… do me a favor and think about it, okay?" Jenna sighed, pulling away from Wash's lingering grasp.

"Okay."


	26. Roomies

"How long do you think they're gonna take?" Simmons asked.

"I dunno, but it looks like Tucker followed them and he should be able to tell us what happened later." Grif replied. He turned to Alex and the second nurse. "So, what's your name?"

"Sarah Marshal." She said, smiling. "I'd shake your hand, but mine are kind of full."

"Meh." Grif said. "Grif. Dexter Grif." he nodded, winking.

"Way to James Bond it up, _sir._ " Ride snorted sarcastically.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Grif asked exasperatedly.

"Nothing, absolutely nothing." Ride said, sounding annoyed. "Why don't you fucking ask the smoking hot brunette?"

Ride stormed off, away from them.

"Where the fuck are you going? Red Base is over here," Grif said, pointing.

"Do I look stupid enough not to know that?" Ride growled over her shoulder.

"Then where are you going?!" Grif asked, waving his arms in defeat.

"Why the fuck should I tell you? It's not as if you care." Ride snorted. She stalked off, out of sight over a hill.

"I… I don't know! I don't!" Grif said. "Bitch."

"You do realize she can't hear you, right?" Wash said.

"...I know." Grif replied.

"Annnyyyywayyy…" Alex said awkwardly. "I take it that your name is Grif?"

"Yeah." Grif said. "I'd say nice to meet you, but that seems like too much effort."

"Oh, really?" Alex said, grinning eerily. "I'd love to psychoanalyze you sometime, if you're willing!" She said cheerfully.

"Uh, I think I'm going to pass." Grif said nervously.

"Pity…" Alex said, deflating slightly. She straightened, turning to face everyone else. "So, what are your names? I already know about Rachel, Tucker… Sarge… and Grif."

"I'm S-s-s-" Simmons stuttered. He turned and whispered to Grif, "I can't do it, there are too many girls!"

"It's ok, just imagine that they're lesbians," Cali whispered, suddenly appearing next to him.

"AHH!" Simmons shrieked. "Where the fuck did you come from?!"

"Milford, Connecticut." Cali deadpanned. "C'mon, Simmons. We talked about this,"

"Hi Simmons, I'm Sarah." Sarah said, with a gracious smile.

"H-h-hi," Simmons stuttered.

"Are you afraid of girls?" Alex asked abruptly.

"Uh…" Simmons said, lost for words.

"Yes, yes he is." Grif and Cali said at the same time.

"Interesting…" Alex said, pondering for a moment. Then, she smiled brightly. "I look forward to psychoanalyzing you!"

"I thought Rachel was your only patient?" Sarge said.

"Oh, you are all patients to me!" Alex said. "The more the merrier, am I right? Psychology is just so _fun."_

" _MUAHAHA, YOU FOOLS SHALL ALL TASTE OBLIVION!"_ Doc shouted, face contorting and voice deepening drastically. Everyone turned to face him.

"Yeah… We kind of have a few questions about him." Grif told Alex.

"What are his symptoms?" Alex asked, walking straight up to Doc.

"He sort of has an alter ego that he switches back and forth from," Grif replied.

"Oh, so MPD?" Alex said. "Fascinating!"

"The fuck is MPD?" Grif asked.

"Multiple Personality Disorder, now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder." Cali said, as if reciting words from a textbook.

"A+, Rachel! Spot on." Alex said. She looked Doc directly in the eyes, removing his helmet. "Ah, such a pretty face. You'd never guess there was a second one."

"Hey, thanks! Nobody's noticed, but I recently made the switch to contact lenses." Doc said. "I don't really think I want any treatment, though. I feel fine."

"Okie dokie then!" Alex said. "Now, my chart tells me that there are some people that aren't here. May I ask who they are?"

"Well, there's Agent Carolina and Agent York doing physical therapy in the other base," Wash began.

"And Donut, Sherri, and Caboose are hanging out in the kitchen of Blue base." Cali finished. "And- hey, Tucker's coming back!"

"Hey hot stuff, what's your name?" Tucker said flirtatiously, jogging over to Sarah. She cringed, grimacing. Tucker didn't notice.

"Oh." She said. "You're one of _those_ guys, aren't you?" She sighed, looking away. "I'm Sarah."

"Aw babe, are you upset? Are you hurt?" Tucker asked. "Cuz Lavernius Tucker the Love Doctor is in and ready for an operation, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah, no thanks." Sarah said, rolling her eyes. Her pleasant demeanor all but vanished.

"Are you sure? Cuz I'm _really_ good. I can be in and out and in again for an _insane_ amount of time." Tucker said with zero irony in his voice. "I could show you a good time, you know."

"Yeah, I'm not interested." Sarah said irritably.

"Tucker…" Cali said warningly. "Don't make me revoke your 'alone time' privileges."

"With her around, I don't think I'll be needing any of that." Tucker whistled.

"Tucker!" Cali growled.

"Fine, fine. Jesus Christ, when did _you_ get so uptight?" Tucker asked.

"Since you started pissing off the people who have my drugs." Cali deadpanned. "Now, go to your room, Betty White!"

"Man, that's just racist." Tucker grumbled.

"O-okay, then." Doc said. "I think we should discuss a few things."

"Yeah, like why do we need three caretakers for one person?" Grif asked.

"In the event the patient needs to be restrained by a medical professional," Alex replied, voice suddenly going monotone. "Jenna and Sarah also double as therapists and counselors, respectively."

"Where the hell is Jenna?" Sarge asked. Gizmo squeaked in response. "I don't speak rat, son." Sarge grunted. Gizmo squeaked back irritably. Eventually, he gave up.

"She and Wash are near the lake." Tucker said. "She was crying, and they were talking, and that's all I know because Wash threatened to kill me if I didn't leave."

"That doesn't sound good," Simmons said, finally speaking up. He took Cali's advice and pretended the new girls were lesbians, and received moderate success.

"I think Wash and Jenna are exes," Cali said offhandedly.

"What?" Grif, Tucker, and Sarge said at the same time.

"Well, they obviously know each other, that much is sure." Alex said. "I agree."

"How about we discuss living arrangements until they get back?" Doc said.

"Hold on, I think that's them now." Simmons said, pointing.

In the distance, they could see Wash and Jenna slowly walking towards them. Both of them looked pretty shaken up.

"Hey Wash, what was that about?" Cali asked as they got closer.

"Don't ask." Wash replied. He looked like he was about to vomit. There was a slight pause.

"So, what did we miss?"

"We were just doing introductions." Doc said. "Now, we're talking about places for these ladies to stay."

"Hey, I have a spare bed in my room!" Tucker said. "Now, which one of you fine ladies wants to bunk with the Love Doctor Extraordinaire?"

"As _great_ as that sounds, I should really stay where all of the medical supplies are." Alex said, forcing a smile. "And my associates should probably stay with Rachel, just in case."

"But I don't want to leave Caboose!" Cali said, dismayed. "Why can't they stay with someone else?"

"We're just doing what we think is best for your health," Alex said pleasantly.

"Fuck that, I can't sleep without him in the room. He makes me feel safer." Cali said, a pleading tone in her voice. "Please?"

"Caboose? _Safer?_ Seriously?" Tucker said incredulously. "Safer in what way?"

"Well for one thing, whenever he's around, I feel less... alone." Cali said. "And I don't feel as sad and stuff like that. I feel better and I hate myself less."

"I guess I can allow it, then." Alex relented. "You can stay with your friend."

Cali's face immediately brightened significantly. "Really?! Oh my fucking god, this is awesome!" She started jumping out of excitement and glee. "Wait, where are Jenna and Sarah gonna stay?" Everyone turned to look at Wash. He pondered for a moment.

"Well, there's obviously no room in Doc's infirmary, so they'll each have to stay with one of us." He concluded. Jenna shifted uncomfortably. "The only people with spare beds in their rooms are Tucker, and… me."

"Dibs on the dirty blonde-" Tucker called out, getting cut off.

" _No._ " Wash said harshly. Jenna looked at him with surprise. He glanced at her, then quickly looked away.

"Okay, okay. Jesus Christ, I was joking." Tucker said. "Calm down."

"You will be staying with Sarah- but only if you behave yourself." Wash said sternly.

"Man, you just want an excuse to make me stop sleeping naked." Tucker grumbled.

"I think _everyone_ wants that, and they don't need an excuse." Sarah said, smiling, looking at him dead in the eye.

"Agreed." Cali concurred. "I like these new guys, they're awesome, givin' out dat smack talk like _wut._ "

"Shut up. You're like, fifteen. You don't know what you're talking about." Tucker snapped.

"I'm technically thirty, _Mrs. Whittlebury_." Cali snapped back. "Just because I'm mentally and physically not as old as you doesn't make me stupid. You're just mad because you're not allowed to jack off anymore with Sarah around."

"Look, you little-" Tucker began.

"Both of you, stop it." Wash said. " _As I was saying_ , Sarah will be staying with Tucker, and Jenna… will be staying with me." He coughed.

"Is it because she used to be your girlfriend? Cuz I can totally tell." Cali said teasingly.

"Ye- no. That's none of your business." Wash said quickly, correcting himself. Jenna blushed deeply. She coughed awkwardly.

"Does that chart say anything about me?" Cali asked Alex.

"Well, your full name is Rachel Karen O'Donoghue, your birthday is the twenty-sixth of February, and you have an IQ of 135." Alex said, flipping a few pages. "I doubt you remember any of that, because it says here that you have partial amnesia."

"135? Man, I didn't know that. I could've been a doctor or something." Cali said.

"You didn't fucking know your birthday _or_ your IQ?" Simmons asked. "Man, that's messed up."

"It also says here that you have a missing sister named Casey." Alex said. "Is that correct?"

"You bet your fucking ass it is! And this guy right here is in love with her," Cali said, dramatically pointing at Simmons.

"She didn't need to know that!" Simmons cried out, voice cracking.

"We've been trying to find her ever since I got here," Cali said. "Simmons has been trolling the internet for her, and I've been asking around on my radio show-"

"Radio show?" Wash said. "Does York know about this?"

"He told me to stop asking his permission for things because it makes him uncomfortable." Cali said. "Like the time I asked if I could order a bunch of Hello-Kitty dildos under Grif's name and have them delivered to Red Base."

"What?" Tucker said, bamboozled.

"It was for a prank." Cali said. "It was basically revenge for him calling Taco a stuffed animal and saying he wasn't real."

"But that was Wash! Agent Washington said that! That's why Donut wouldn't stop hitting on me for three days!" Grif said, exasperated.

"Man, you know Donut's too good for you." Cali said. "Plus, he told me he liked Sherri."

"Then tell him to stop speaking with gay innuendos whenever he talks to me!" Grif said.

"I have to say, this day was not worth the Thanksgiving party." Simmons said.

"What are you talking about? We got more chicks!" Tucker said. "That alone is something worthy of thanks."

"Ugh," Sarah said, rolling her eyes.

"I think I'm going to check on Ride and see if she's okay," Cali said. "Hey Wash, did you see her while you and Jenna were out?"

"She's next to the lake, on the other side." Wash replied.

"Coolio." Cali said. "Later, suckers!" She said, charging towards Ride's general direction. Gizmo looked at Tucker, shook his head, and began to follow.

"Now that that's settled…" Alex began. "Why does she seem to have a very large rodent following her around?"

"That's her pet space rat." Tucker said. "His name is Satchel Gizmo-whatsit."

"Does he have all of his shots?" Alex asked.

"Apparently." Wash replied.

"Does _he_ have all his shots?" Sarah asked, nodding at Tucker.

"Hey!" Tucker said indignantly. "Slut."

"I'm a virgin." She replied, staring at him blankly.

"Would you like to change that?"

"This is exactly what I'm talking about," Sarah sighed.

"If you want, we can switch rooms." Alex offered.

"No, that's fine. I'm used to guys like him." Sarah said. "Thanks, though." She looked at the sky. "It's getting dark now, we should probably go inside." She said, shifting the boxes of pills around in her arms. "Jenna and I will take Cali's medication to the clinic, if Doc is kind enough to show us the way."

"Absolutely!" Doc said, as Jenna began to pick up the boxes she dropped earlier. "Let me help with that," He said, picking them up with her.

"Thanks," She said with a small smile. She got up, and she and Sarah followed Doc to his little hut.

"I guess I'll go set up, then." Alex said, trying to pick up three rather large luggages at once.

"Uh, let me help you with that." Wash said, reaching for a luggage. Suddenly, Sarge appeared next to him, blocking him with his arm.

"You'd better let a _real_ man handle this, son." He grunted. "Here, I'll take that, madam."

"Excuse me?" Wash said, eyebrow raised. He crossed his arms. Sarge ignored him and followed Doc and the others with Alex. Wash shook his head. "I think I'm going to go and lie down."

"Rough day?" Grif asked.

"Don't even get me started."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys! Posting the next chapter kind of early. I noticed that I've been losing followers... I won't take it personally, but I'm just... confused. Like, what did I do wrong? ;-;

Anyway, for those of you that remain, thanks for staying. I'm trying really hard to make a good story, and I'm sorry if some chapters aren't as funny as the others. This is my first time doing a humorous story, and I'm used to writing serious ones, so yeah. Sometimes I get serious as shit when the situation calls for it, because I want this story to have depth and meaning.

So yeah, thanks for reading. :3 bai


	27. Do I Know You From Somewhere?

"Ride?" Cali asked tentatively, approaching her from behind. "Are you okay?"

"...Yeah, I'm fine." She said eventually, turning to face her. "Thanks, Cali."

"You can call me Rachel," Cali said, smiling. "Why did you run off?" she said, frowning in concern.

"I… I dunno, I guess I was pissed at Grif." She replied, frowning. "I don't really get what happened. One second I was fine, then the next second I felt-"

"Jealous?" Cali asked abruptly.

"Je- What? _Jealous?_ Jealous why?" Ride asked incredulously. "You don't think I _like_ Grif, do you?!" She said. "He's a total jackass! We're polar opposites!"

"I'm not saying anything," Cali said. "But seeing you with Grif reminded me of something from my past."

"Huh?"

"I had a really complicated relationship with this guy back when I was in school," Cali said. "I thought we were as different as night and day. I thought I hated him, when we first met."

"And?" Ride said. "Your point is… what, exactly?"

"I hated him because I liked him." Cali said.

"...What?" Ride said, confused, eyes squinting.

"I mean, I was in denial. I told myself I hated him because I was afraid- afraid of having feelings for him. Afraid of getting hurt." Cali clarified. "It's semantics."

"Do you even know what semantics means?" Ride asked.

"I dunno, something about Mitt Romney." Cali replied, shrugging. "Anyway, by the time I wised up, he was long gone and moved on."

"Did this really happen?" Ride asked skeptically.

"Maybe; or maybe I wrote about it in my Percy Jackson fanfiction." She shrugged.

"I do _not_ have a crush on Grif, just to be clear." Ride said. "I think he's a disgusting slob of a deadbeat, and a pig. Especially since he doesn't even bother to hide his porn collection."

"I don't think Grif is that bad. Just because he looks like Mario Lopez's Slovakian third cousin twice removed mixed with Thomas the Tank Engine doesn't make him a bad person."

"Grif is from Hawaii," Ride said, giving her a quizzical look.

"That's what I said," said Cali. "Don't you think it's a possibility that you're overcompensating your feelings for him by going out of your way to hate him?"

"No way in _hell_ is that possible." Ride said, growing slightly frustrated.

"Hey man, I know this might be upsetting you or whatevs, but I'm only saying this because I don't want you to live with any regrets." Cali said.

"Thanks, I appreciate it, I really do, but… I feel like dating Grif would be an even bigger regret, in the end, if any of what you said is true, which I'm not saying that it is." Ride said quickly. "Other than that, I really don't know what I'm feeling, and honestly, it's freaking me the _fuck_ out."

"It's okay, Taco's available for hugs, if you want!" Cali said cheerfully, extending her stuffed turtle towards Era.

"Seriously?" Ride said incredulously. "You never let anyone but Caboose touch i- er, I mean, _him_."

"Let's just say that you remind me of someone I used to know that was really important to me," Cali said simply. "Here, you deserve it."

"Uh, I don't know what to say… Thank you." Ride said, giving her a small smile of gratitude.

"No problema, Señora Naveen." Cali said, bowing.

"How did you know my real last name?" Ride asked.

"Wait, Ride isn't your real name?" Cali said, doing a double take.

"It's Trisha. Trisha Naveen."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: OMG, TacoTurtle here. I'm sooooo sorry for the long hiatus, I was _really_ busy with school. Even with all my effort, I got 2 B-pluses. Fuck. There goes the streak of straight As I've had since the third grade :/ oh well.

There's still going to be a Thanksgiving/Valentine's day special in the next chapter, even though it's waaaay too late for that lol.

Anyway, remember the BFF Cali wrote about in her Freelancer journal a while back? Remember what her name is? The one that moved to the Moon?

If you can't tell already... SHE'S COMING BACK.

If you didn't know, Era Ride is based off of my real-life pseudo-sister that moved to India and left me stranded California. I miss her a whole lot, and this is my way of keeping her close.

Wanna know a secret? She _really_ likes Grif. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Anyway, I hope to see you guys again really soon!

(PS- Cali's birthday is in 6 FUCKING DAYS! Feel free to wish us a happy birthday in a review lol.  
Tucker: "Man, no one's gonna do that. Ain't nobody got time for that load of bullshit!"  
Caboose: "Happy birthday, and to all a good night! Amen. Hallelujah!"  
Tucker: "Shut the fuck up, Caboose.")


	28. Into the Mind of Agent California

Hi guys! I'm so sorry that I haven't been updating. It's just that my life is a mess because I have so much stress from schoolwork and my BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD is having open heart surgery next week and it's been postponed at the last minute several times and I'm so scared because he means the world to me and my stress got so bad that I had a panic attack that lasted for 5 days straight nonstop and I had to take a break from everything because I was literally falling apart

I'm really, REALLY scared because I'm having a relapse of depression, anxiety, and paranoid schizophrenia. I've been on my meds for so long that I feel like a robot with no emotions most of the time and I've gone from bisexual to completely asexual (no sexuality) and for some reason I am no longer capable of feeling love and it's freaking me THE FUCK out.

I almost had to be hospitalized for the 6th time, and THIS stresses me out because my family has to pay over $ _3000_ every time I'm admitted. I'm the reason we're so broke. I'm the one thing that is holding my family back.

I'm constantly afraid that one day, I'm going to completely lose it and go crazy out of nowhere once again, and this time I'll be so far gone that no one will want to stick it through with me and everyone I know will leave me and I'm going to end up like that old lady with dementia that everyone pities and feels sorry for, but at the same time they avoid her because they're afraid that she's contagious so they just lock her up in some old age home/ mental asylum never to be seen again.

I'm afraid that I'm going to randomly go nuts and attack someone because I'm somehow hallucinating about them attacking me or making fun of me.

I'm afraid of talking about my problems to my friends because I'm afraid that I'm going to drag them down and they'll stop talking to me because I seem too self-absorbed and crazy and depressing and I'm annoying and self centered.

I'm overly empathetic, so I feel other people's pain. I care too much and I'm dragging myself down even further than the people I'm empathizing with.

You want to know what it's like being my main OC Agent California/Rachel O'Donoghue? This is it. Fear. Pure. Fear.

The fear of losing your friends.

The fear of becoming a monster.

The fear of losing control.

The fear of watching yourself spiral into an abyss of terror, panic, and despair.

The fear of people you care about dying.

The fear of your own mind.

The fear that you're never going to be good enough.

The fear that everyone will leave you once the going gets tough.

The fear of yourself.

The fear of being discriminated against for things you can't control.

The fear of the voices in your head.

The fear that all your fears will multiply and add up.

The fear that everyone finds you annoying and hates you.

The fear of death.

The fear of life.

Fear. Plain. Fear.

My biggest fear is everyone I know and/or care about leaving me. I love all of you guys, and I hate going off the grid like this.

I noticed that I've lost over 20 followers since I've last been on, and I can't say it doesn't hurt. It kind of does. (although I may be remembering having more followers than I actually had). But, I'm not going to let that get to me because I know that the people who stayed are still worth writing for.

It may seem like this story is dead in the water, but in reality, I've just been too occupied with personal problems.

My pseudo-sister (we're more than best friends, we're sisters by choice) Trisha Naveen AKA Era Ride hasn't responded to my messages in three months. I don't know if she's dead or alive. Life has been hell ever since she moved to India and left me in California.

If you haven't noticed already or read my author's notes, my stories are usually an allegory for my life. Cali is me, in every sense. We are one and the same, yet different.

I don't want this to just be a stupid emotional breakdown, so I'm going to do this.

I wanted to save this for either a separate publication, but I've decided that you need at least _something_ for waiting all this time.

So, I present to you… _Agent California's Poetic Diary._

* * *

 _Faith:_

I don't want a perfect future,  
Because that is such a bore.  
So stay away from me, preacher!  
our lecture is making me snore.

They say He made it all,  
But all He made was me.  
One that was prone to fall  
To inconsistency.

Life is a roll of the dice,  
That I know for sure.  
I'm not sure about this "Christ,"  
And I'm not hungering for more.

I am a woman of Science,  
Not a Man of God.  
I know I'm not self-righteous,  
And that you find it rather odd.

You have no right to judge me,  
Though I know my heart's not pure.  
You can try and exorcise me,  
But the job is just not yours.

Sometimes I question my faith,  
It clashes with Modernity.  
It doesn't keep me from the Wraith  
Of this unfeeling Eternity.

Mother Mary, Mother of God,  
Don't you find me rather odd?  
Down the unfaithful road I plod,  
Getting further and further away from God.

* * *

 _My Best Friend_

That's my best friend, that is he!  
The only one to ever make a fool of me.  
If he dies or if he goes,  
Where I'd go, no one knows!

I really have no other friends,  
No one to trust when my life ends.  
If I come and if I go,  
If I did anything, no-one would know!

I don't really care if they  
Don't care I live another day  
As long he is by my side,  
I sure as well will enjoy the ride!

I know he'll never go away,  
and will come again for another day.  
He is just so sweet to me,  
That'll show 'em, make 'em see!

He has never left me there,  
Left me there in my despair.  
He is the abyss inside my soul,  
For my very-best friend is Death.

* * *

 _Pain_

Mommy, Daddy, help me please,  
My inner demons I must appease.  
They choke me with their loathsome words,  
They feed my entrails to the birds.

Once again I count to ten  
Wait for life to begin again  
Mommy, Daddy, can't you see?  
There's almost nothing left of me.

* * *

 _Popular_

I wanted to be popular,  
That's what I wanted to be.  
I wanted to be something else,  
Anyone but me.

What I had to do to be popular,  
I really had no clue.  
I realized I had to prove it,  
To everyone, including you.

I crossed the Pits of Self Loathing,  
I swam the Sea of Despair,  
To get where I wanted to be;  
anywhere but there.

I realized that to be popular,  
A mask I would have to wear.  
My life was a masquerade ball,  
For which I was unprepared.

And under the dozens of masks I wore  
I think I lost my true face.  
I still was not happy then,  
For it could not be replaced.

So when I finally came to my senses,  
I realized I was only jogging in place.  
No matter what I did,  
I could never be your Ace.

Oh how I hated being "popular,"  
As it was all just a mirage  
Brought on by insecurities  
You'd rather keep in your garage.

I have traveled far and wide,  
To find my place again.  
How long will I have to trek,  
To find where I was back then?

I think that I can see me now,  
With all my faithful friends.  
They're just beyond the horizon,  
I can't wait to see them again.

* * *

 _The Alien Queen_

I used to be the Emperor,  
Of a civilization in my mind's eye.  
I was my people's beloved,  
Until the day the magic died.

I was the Queen of the Tomerge,  
I was the Alien Hive.  
For no human could understand me,  
No human in the world alive.

I conquered far-off galaxies,  
My plans that I connived  
Were a match for my foe's empathy  
That had never really arrived.

I heard your cries from the barren land,  
I couldn't help but take a look.  
Too late I saw it was a trap,  
I was an open book.

My empire crumbled around me,  
I saw my people die.  
This was not my destiny,  
I could only ask, "Why?"

* * *

 _The Voices_

They haunt me in my waking dreams,  
Nothing is ever as it seems.  
My world is filled with crazy things,  
Landmines, bombs, and diamond rings.

They always whisper in my ear,  
"Your death is probable, always near.  
Everything is possible, it's true, my dear.  
You've got everything alive to fear."

Everyone is out to get me  
They don't just say that to upset me  
My voice is way too freaking loud  
My singing's not something of which to be proud.

"You're a bitch, you're a whore.  
Trust me, you'll never be anything more."  
All those things the voices said  
I'm surprised I'm not yet dead.

I really, really cannot focus,  
My brain is filled with hocus-pocus.  
I'm drowning inside my very own head,  
It feels as if my brain's weighed down with lead.

The titillating banter never stops  
To wipe my brains off the floor, we'll need two mops.  
Death is always at my door  
Five bodies inside, we'll need one more.

Dominic's the one that's in love with me,  
Make him go away, that's the key  
To make me realize, filled with glee,  
There's nothing worthwhile about me.

Michael's the one who broke my heart,  
When once he made it feel like a work of art  
Over and over he made me see  
No one will ever want to be with me.

So many voices that I can't see,  
It feels like they've got the best of me.  
When will I finally see that white light?  
I don't think I can last this fight.

I'd do anything to end this pain,  
Beat my head 'till only I remain.  
Blood is dripping to the floor,  
I'm jumping out the side car door.

Mommy, Daddy, can't you see?  
Heaven is just the place for me.  
If I do this, I can't go  
But I've heard there's room to grow.

Why won't they just go away,  
Not come again another day?  
For their absence I shall pray,  
I hope that day will be today.

* * *

I'm still not thinking straight so I won't be able to give you exactly what you want (Although I've been working really hard on revamping the plotline before this all happened. I'm still trying, though.), but instead, I will be writing about my OC's backgrounds and uploading their "Origin stories" as separate chapters. I just felt like my OCs feel too 2D, and I want to add depth of character.

Also, I MADE A NEW EMAIL ACCOUNT AND PROFILE ON GOOGLE+, JUST FOR YOU GUYS!

You know why?  
BECAUSE, I FUCKING GOT THE SIMS 4.  
"What does that have to do with anything?" You ask? Why, I'll tell you!  
I had the brilliant idea of making my OCs... in TS4! You can now see what they look like!

All you have to do is go on Google+ and search "Rachel O'Donoghue Agent California". I'm the Sim with the skull candy t-shirt and the blue highlights.

Happy hunting :D


	29. Jenna's Diary, Part 1

Tuesday, January 12

Dear Diary,

You won't believe what happened today. Today, something incredible happened. My crappy (soon to be ex) boyfriend was being a jerk, and this guy in my class stood up for me. I used to think of him as some random dork, but now I see that he's anything but that. I never really noticed him before today, though. I think he's a little new to the school, but I'm not very sure.

He was so brave, standing up to Trent like that. Sure, he got beat up because Trent is on the varsity football team and is almost twice his weight, but he tried. He stood up for me when no one else would. I need to remember that. It's so hard to find genuinely nice people at this school, they're like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I think his name was David. He's literally the only nice guy in Washington state, probably. I'm going to find him and thank him tomorrow.

* * *

Wednesday, January 13

Dear Diary,

Oh my god. Just… Oh my god. I can't believe this. I finally broke up with Trent, and now everyone has turned against me. All of our friends are shunning me, and everyone else is avoiding me like I have the Plague. Everyone hates me… Except for David. The single most awkward guy in the school. I guess now we can be alone together, because Trent told everyone that we know that I'm a cheating whore. He's the one who cheated on me, not the other way around! This is a load of bullshit. I don't know what I expected, honestly. He wanted Marissa O'Brien the Queen, but he settled for me- the sore loser. Lucky for him, he got her in the end.

Everyone keeps telling me that it's all my fault. Now I have people insulting me everywhere I go on campus. I already know that I'm plain and average, and I have self-image issues. No matter what I do, I'm about as special as a hairpin. Easy to lose track of and easy to replace.

My parents tell me to eat more, but eating makes me feel fat. People call me an anorexic freak, but I don't care. All I want is to be able to feel as pretty as that painted whore Marissa.

Maybe it's because I'm too nice. I mean, after all that's happened, I still feel bad for calling Marissa a whore. Maybe I deserve what happened to me. Why should the ugly girl ever get the guy? Because I've been trying to fight my destiny of being alone forever, now I have nothing. No boyfriend, no friends, and even my parents aren't on my side. They're blaming me for being a bad girlfriend. They say that it's my fault because I didn't satisfy him enough, so he felt the need to find someone better.

Nothing ever ends up going my way. I don't know what to do. I… I fucking hate myself. I just want all of this to stop. How can I make this all go away? I feel like I should just- (the rest of the entry is smudged with tears and incomprehensible.)

* * *

Friday, January 15

Dear Diary,

I was sitting alone on the ground outside of the bathroom at lunch today, crying, and I ran into David. Actually, what happened was he tripped over me because he wasn't paying attention to where he was going. He apologized, then noticed I was crying and asked me what was wrong. I don't know why he cared, but I told him anyway. We got to talking, and we got to know more about each other. He had no friends at the moment either, on account of his awkwardness and social anxiety. He also got rejected and kicked out of every sports team he tried out for, partially because of his asthma, and partially because he had no coordination whatsoever.

In spite of all that, he's a pretty nice guy when you get right down to it. I guess I could see myself being his friend, if he'll be mine. I still think he's too good to be my friend. I told him this, and he got all flustered. I don't know why. Eventually he replied that I'm not as bad as I think I am. Weird. He noticed that I wasn't eating, so he gave me half of his sandwich, which was sweet. He's a good friend.

I don't know why he's being so nice to me. There are so many things about me that aren't likeable- like how annoying and insecure I am, and my stupid smile, and how I snort when I laugh. I guess I'll just have to find out for myself.

* * *

 **Thursday, February 26**

Dear Diary,

David turns out to be a really sweet and caring friend, in spite of all his 'flaws'. I'm really lucky to have him. He seemed a bit nervous around me at first, but he's calmed down quite a bit now. He's still the only person who will acknowledge my existence, but that's okay because I'm used to it. Before I dated Trent, I was always alone. During our relationship, people treated me like a princess. Now, they've all gone back to ignoring me. At least I have David… for now.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Sorry I haven't written in five months. I've been busy. David's worrying about getting a date for prom, since he's a junior and a year older than me. Well, to be more accurate- I've been telling him to ask someone out for a while now. I think it would be good for him to have a girlfriend, because I know I'd be a lot happier if I could date someone. He usually just says that there's no one he's interested in, and he just changes the subject or gets all uncomfortable. I don't know why, though, he may be a dork and a clown, but any girl would be lucky to have him, I think.


	30. The Giving of Thanks

"Alright, let's get this fucking party started already!" Tucker whooped, foaming bottle of booze clutched in his hand.

"Fuck yeah!" Cali said, pumping her fist in the air. She jumped from the couch in Blue Base, and started hopping around in excitement. "Hit me up, bitch!"

"I don't think it would be a good idea for you to drink this, Cali." Donut said, currently the one tending the makeshift bar. He was wearing a tight pink V-neck and yoga pants. Sherri was next to him, downing shots of pure vodka.

"Why not?" Cali said, arms crossed.

"You know damn well why," Grif said tiredly, dragging his hand down his face.

"Wat'chu talkin about now, neckbeard?"

"Remember the last time you accidentally drank one of Donut's spritzers, trashed the entire base, beat up Grif, and passed out for two days?" Simmons said.

"She did not beat me up! I was just caught off-guard," Grif said indignantly. "And who the fuck are you calling neckbeard?!"

"Dude, she had you in a sleeper hold." Ride said, snorting. "And she's an entire foot and a half shorter than you. And half your weight."

"What are we talking about over here?" Wash said, walking over from across the room.

"The last time Cali got drunk." Grif, Simmons, and Ride said at the same time.

"Oh God…" Wash groaned. "Cali, what did we tell you about drinking?"

"Never drink and do drugs at the same time."

"I think it's never drink and drive," Tucker chimed in.

"Who the fuck asked you, Betty White?" Cali retorted.

"Don't. Drink." Wash said firmly.

"Come on, Wash. You just don't want her coming on to you again." Tucker snorted. "Just sayin'."

"I never thought I'd make this sound in my life, but… ew." Wash said.

"Oh, I get it." Cali said, nodding her head. "That would be inappropriate,"

"Exactly." Wash concurred.

"You know, now that he has Jenna!"

"Ye- wait, what?" Wash said, doing a spit-take. "Okay. One- that is always inappropriate." he said, holding up a finger. "Two- Jenna is not my girlfriend."

"Oh, please, Whitney Houston." Cali snorted. "It's as obvious as Grif's disgusting spray tan."

"I don't have a spray tan," Grif said.

"You don't?" Cali asked incredulously.

"This is my natural skin tone!" Grif protested.

"You should change it." Cali deadpanned.

"Great. Yeah, I'll get right on that, madam. I just have to go to the fucking supermarket and order some new skin." Grif said, sarcasm dripping from his mouth.

"That's the spirit!" Cali said, supposedly ignoring the irony in his voice. He raised an eyebrow.

"Oh my god," Ride said through fits of laughter.

"Speaking of Jenna, where is she?" Simmons asked.

"Yeah, Wash! Where's your bride-to-be?" Cali said, clapping rapidly while jumping up and down.

"For the last time, she is not my fiance!" Wash said, exasperated.

"Someone should go check on her, she hasn't been looking so good for the past few days." Sherri hiccuped, taking a short break from drinking and silently coming on to Donut.

"Wash, you should do it." Cali said, suddenly donning a mask of seriousness.

"Why the fuck do I have to be the one to check on her?" Wash said, arms crossed.

"Because you have the deepest connection with her." Cali said, zero irony in her voice. "You've known her the longest." Cali paused. "Plus, if you don't, I'm going to get drunk on the nonalcoholic beer and hit on you again."

"...Yeah, I'm going." Wash said, turning and walking away at a fast pace. There was a short silence.

"Cali, stop watching him walk away like that." Simmons said, squirming uncomfortably in his seat.

"What, you jealous?" Cali said, winking.

"What? No!" He yelped, slapping his cybernetic hand to his face. "OW! God dammit…"

"Relax, m8. You know I'm just playin'." Cali laughed, slapping him on the shoulder playfully. "You're gonna find Vonnie one of these days."

"Who's Vonnie again?" Tucker asked, wiping booze from his mouth.

"She's this hot chick Simmons met at a bar that he can't stop whining about because they're both equally Irish." Grif said, turning to Donut. "Hand me some of that beer, I feel like I need to be drunk right now."

"In that case, hand me more." Ride said, beckoning to Sherri with her hand.

"Why?" Donut asked.

"Because me being drunk is the only way I can handle him being drunk." Ride said tiredly. Donut and Sherri handed them a bottle each, looking at each other and shrugging. "By the way, I appreciate how you didn't use the hand that was previously down Donut's pants."

Sherri and Donut giggled hysterically, probably because the alcohol was finally getting to them.

"Get a room, you two. That's fucking nasty." Tucker said, taking another swig.

"You heard him, daddy. Let's ditch these guys!" Sherri said with a seriously slurred lisp. She grabbed Donut by the shirt and started dragging him towards their room.

"Oh boy," Donut said, stumbling after her.

"YEAH, DONUT! GO AND GET SOME!" Cali hollered after them. Afterwards, she turned to face Ride and Grif. Grif was on his fifth bottle, while Ride was still working on her third. "You guys should do something too!" As she said that, both of them started choking. "You know, like a drinking contest!"

"Oh my God…" Ride said. "You almost gave me a fucking heart attack!"

"Hey!" Grif said indignantly. "The hunk of meat has feelings, you know."

"That settles it!" Cali said. "Grif, if you win, Ride has to cook you a steak dinner for a week."

"Fuck yeah!" Grif said, raising his bottle in the air.

"But if Ride wins… You have to shower every day for ten days." Cali said.

"Hell yeah, I'm in!" Ride said, slamming her bottle down on the coffee table.

"Bring it on, bitch!" Grif yelled. Cali handed them two new bottles each.

"First to seven bottles wins!" Cali hollered. "Ready… Set…. GO!"

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'M BACK, BITCHES! AGENT CALIFORNIA IS IN DA HOUSE!

Ahem. Yeah. Remember that crossover story TacoTurtle was talking about? It's a work in progress right now, but we're going to post a sample chapter of it, so you can tell us if it's worth continuing.

You should totally read it, because it's totally revolved around ME. MUAHAHAHA. It's called _Skah-Prudaas,_ which is Dovah for "Tainted Paradise"

TacoTurtle is also thinking about writing entire backstories for her OCs, similar to mine. Her question is- should they just be bonus chapters in this story (like Jenna's Diary), or separate stories?

Anyway, SUMMER IS ALMOST UPON US, and that means... MORE TIME TO WRITE! YASSSSSSSSSS

Hope you guys are doing well :) next chapter is going to revolve around Wash and Jenna. ILITERALLYCAN'TWAITANDI'MTHEONEWHOWROTETHEDAMNTHINGGGGGG


	31. KIIL FM

"CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!" Cali hollered. It was an hour later, and Grif and Ride were at a stalemate. Ride was gagging, and Grif looked like he was about to pass out.

"God damn it, Grif…" Ride rasped. They were next to each other on the couch, with Ride's head on Grif's shoulder. Grif's arm happened to be around her shoulder.

"Wah?" Grif slurred, barely conscious.

"Wake up and get your damn arm off of me, idiot." Ride said, irritated.

"Wazzat?" His neck went completely limp, and his head started rolling to the side until it was leaning on Ride's.

"WAKE THE FUCK UP, DIPSHIT!" Ride screamed in his ear, shaking him.

"AHHHHH!" Grif yelped, flinging his entire body away from her comically. "I'm up, I'm up! Jesus Christ!"

"I'm going to lay down on my bed…" Ride groaned. "God, my head hurts."

"I'm doing the same… I'm so fucking tired." Grif yawned. They both got up shakily, and stumbled to their rooms.

"What are you gonna do, Tucker?" Cali asked.

"I'm gonna go find Sarah, she seems nice. And hot." He replied.

"Good for you, Betty." Cali said. "Simmons, come with me. We're going to find Vonnie."

"Wha?" Simmons said, stirring from his inadvertent nap. He had fallen asleep in a dining chair. He shook himself. "I mean, yeah! I'm coming!"

"GIZMO!" Cali hollered. The semi-sentient space rat scurried into the room to her side. "C'mon guys, we're going to Red Base!"

"Why can't we use your computer?" Simmons asked.

"Because we're not using the internet, duh. All of my radio equipment is over at your place!" Cali replied.

"Radio equipment? What radio equipment?" Simmons asked, confused.

"I set up a mini radio station in your walk-in closet when you weren't looking." Cali said, deadpanning.

"I don't have a walk-in closet!"

"Well, you do now." Cali said.

"What?!"

"You're welcome."

* * *

 **"What the fuck?" Simmons said as he walked into his now walk-in closet, looking at the desk filled with microphones and a phone connected to a computer with an old USB cable, and whatever else you need in a DIY radio station. Cali was sitting in a leather revolving office chair in front of the desk, wearing a headset. She tossed a microphone to him, and pressed a button.**

"Hey hey hey! Ms. Chanandler Bong here, hoping that you enjoyed KIIL FM's techno remix of In the End by Linkin Park and Mozart's Fifth Symphony!" Cali said.

"Are you using some sort of radio voice?" Simmons asked, only to be ignored.

"Now, we have a special guest here with us today! What's your name, man?" Cali said, pointing with her finger, silently telling Simmons to speak into the microphone.

"Uh…" Simmons stammered. "Is this a good idea?" He whispered.

"Just play along, Pony Boy." Cali whispered back.

"Er… I'm… Captain… Richard "Dick" Simmons, from Blood Gulch."

"May I call you Dicky?"

"...No."

"Very well then." Cali paused. "Well Dicky, why don't you tell us about yourself?"

"Like what?"

"What's your mother's maiden name?"

"Are you sure that's necessary information?" Simmons asked.

"Fine." Cali said. "Tell us about why you're here, Dicky."

"I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with this, Cali." Simmons replied nervously, starting to sweat profusely.

"It's Ms. Chanandler to you, Dicky. And if you don't say it, I will."

"No! I don't want to do this over the radio where anyone can listen!" he said, starting to panic.

"Finnneeee..." Cali sighed, slumping over slightly in her chair. "Pussy." Suddenly, a something started ringing. "Oh look, we have a caller!"

"Don't answer, don't answer!" Simmons pleaded. Cali stuck her tongue out at him, and pressed the button to accept the call.

"Hello?" the caller said. "Simmons, is that really you?"

"Who is this?" Cali asked. "It sounds like a girl, so we're good." She whispered to Simmons.

"This is Vonnie."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey guys! Sorry I was gone so long. I've been having writer's block, but I'm fine now. I think. I just wanted to say that this has been an amazing experience for me, writing for you guys. It's like I have a second, more awesome life where I can express myself in any way I want without my real-life friends finding out and figuring out how messed up I really am XD. Thanks for sticking with me. Love you guys ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)!


	32. The Black Widow

"Hey."

"Hey," Jenna replied hesitantly to her ex-boyfriend

"You okay?" Wash asked awkwardly.

"I guess…" Jenna sighed.

"...You sure?" Wash asked. He could tell she was lying. One, he was good at analyzing people. He had dealt with plenty of liars over the course of his life. Two, he knew her well enough to know she was fibbing.

"I just… I've had fifteen years to think things over. Every time I think I'm moving away from this, I end up circling right back to where I started. Back to you." She breathed deeply. "It just gets so _tiring_ , you know?" She leaned her elbow on a nearby table. "I've been moving on for a long time now, and now I'm wondering… when does it ever _end_?"

"Jenna, I'm just not the guy you fell in love with. Not anymore." Washington said firmly. "You of all people should know that."

"I _do_ know that, David." Jenna replied. "But it isn't easy letting go, especially since you're all I have left."

"Excuse me?" Wash said, eyebrow raised. Jenna sighed.

"Every guy I dated or fell in love with after leaving you died under mysterious circumstances," Jenna said.

"...What?" Wash said, blinking repeatedly.

"First there was Chandler, he died in an accident involving laughing gas." Jenna said, tearing up. "Then there was Danny, who slipped on a Slip n' Slide and broke his back, and then there was Hank, who was attacked by his flock of carrier pigeons and forced off the roof of his ten-story apartment building-"

"Exactly how many of these guys have died?" Wash asked skeptically.

"Seven." Jenna said, sighing. "I gave up on dating five years ago, after Gay Andy tripped while walking down the aisle and had a heart attack on the way down."

"You almost married a guy called Gay Andy?" Wash asked. "Did he know you called him that?"

"He gave himself that name," Jenna replied. "Every time I got serious with a guy, they died. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't shake the idea that it was _my_ fault that they died." She shuddered. "Everyone I knew started calling me _the Black Widow_."

" _All_ of them died? That seems a little extreme." He replied back.

"One of them was murdered by a rodeo clown." Jenna said. There was a short pause.

"... Oh my god, you're being serious." Wash said eventually.

"You are the only one of my boyfriends who is still alive, David. And the entire time, the only one I wanted to be with, was you." Jenna said.

"I'm in a different place now, Jenna. I'm sorry. I just can't… I just can't do this with you right now. I need some more time to think." Wash sighed.

"You really have changed a lot, haven't you?" Jenna said. "You've seen things. Horrible things."

"How do you know that?" Wash asked curiously.

"It's your eyes," Jenna said, "They look… Haunted."

"I've also done things. Bad things. So bad that if you knew, you'd never want to speak to me again." Wash warned her.

"I don't care. You're still David. For me, nothing will ever change that. Nothing you can do, nothing you can turn into will change who you are in my eyes." she replied firmly.

"You and I both know that this could never work out, and why." Wash said.

"That doesn't mean that we can't try," Jenna insisted. Suddenly, York's head popped in the doorway.

"Hey, sorry to interrupt, but there's an emergency in the kitchen. Carolina needs you." He said, waving him over.

"What for?" Wash asked, turning away from Jenna.

"Cali got a hold of the nonalcoholic beer and now she's on a rampage." York said.

"Shit."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: OMG guys I'm soooo sorry I haven't updated and that this chapter is short as hell. During the second semester of my sophomore year, I had a relapse of depression and my ADHD meds stopped working _just_ when things started getting twice as hard. I had to put my fanfiction on hold because I was _literally_ on the verge of failing the 10th grade. I then spent an entire month in the hospital over the summer due to a serious allergic reaction to a mood stabilizing medication, which I almost died from.

I survived and am now a junior (yay) and my workload is a bit lighter because I have fewer academic classes. I'm still struggling, though. The symptoms of the allergic reaction haven't completely gone away, and my ADHD is getting worse.

Don't worry, I still FULLY INTEND to finish this story, but it will just take some more time. Thank you so much to the people who chose to stick with me, and even to the people who unfollowed but still wonder every once in a while, "What happened to that story/author?"

Cheers,

TacoTurtle


	33. What Happened Last Night?

"Ugh..." Ride groaned, head pounding. Her eyes opened blearily. "Huh? Where am I?" She asked herself. She looked up. She knew she was in her room, because on the ceiling, she could see Grif's favorite poster- A hot blonde lying on the hood of a Corvette, with the caption _"Hauling Ass"._

She was under the covers, and she looked to the side. The wall was further from her than usual. "Wha?" Suddenly, she noticed a warmth next to her. She heard a familiar loud snore.

She turned her head, and she came face to face with none other than a sleeping Dexter Grif. She slapped a hand to her mouth, barely suppressing a scream. ' _WHAT THE FUCK?!'_ She thought.

She breathed deeply, calming herself. ' _Okay, Era. There is an obvious explanation for this. He wanted more space, so he took your bed while you were still on it.'_ She gave herself a sigh of assurance. ' _Man, that must have been one crazy party. I don't remember a thing.'_ She thought. She sat up, covers falling down to the bed.

' _That's funny... why do I feel cold?'_ She thought to herself. She looked down.

"FUCKING HELL-" She screeched, arms flying up to her chest. She was topless. Fucking. Topless. Oh. My. God.

"Brgh... huh?" Grif mumbled, slowly gaining consciousness. "What's with all the screaming?" He opened his eyes, and turned to face her. "What the fuck?"

"'What the fuck' does not even _begin_ to describe what I'm thinking right now, Grif!" Era yelled. "Oh my God..." she grabbed the blanket and held it up to her chest. She covered her face with her hands.

"Did we...?" Grif asked, voice trailing off.

"I don't know..." She groaned. "Are you naked under there?"

"Do you really want to know?" Grif asked.

"Yes! No! I don't know!" She replied.

"Yeah, I'm definitely not wearing pants." Grif said. "Are you?"

Era felt around. "No, God dammit."

"Wait, I think I feel something..." he grunted.

"What is it?" Era asked.

"...A balloon." Grif said.

"A balloon?" Era questioned, head tilted to the side in confusion. "Where?"

"Yeah, I don't think you're gonna wanna know." Grif said tentatively.

"Just tell me where the God-damn balloon is, Dexter." Era growled.

"Hey, don't talk like that to your commanding officer," Grif whined.

"Look, that means _shit_ to me right now. Now _tell me where the balloon is."_ She growled again.

"Uh... how do I put this delicately?" Grif said, unsure of what to say.

"Just say it..." Era said, hand dragging down her face.

"It's on my dick." Grif said.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Era groaned. "Are you telling me... that you fucking used a _balloon_ as a _condom_?"

"I'd rather not answer that." Grif said.

"Oh my God..." Era said, rocking back and forth in the fetal position. "Oh my god oh my god oh my god..."

"So what? We had sex. What gives?" Grif asked, sitting up. "If I had any dignity, I'd be insulted right now."

"I was a virgin, Grif. A fucking _virgin._ " She rasped.

"Oh." He said. "So you've never-"

"No. Never." Era said. "Now I'm going to hell for sure..."

"Hey, I'm not _that_ bad..." Grif muttered.

"No, I'm talking about premarital sex." Ride said. "It's a sin in my religion."

"So? It's a sin in my religion, and I do it whenever I get the chance." Grif shrugged.

"Last week you told me you were an atheist." Ride said accusingly.

"I think you're missing the point here." Grif replied nonchalantly.

"The week before that, you told me you were Christian." Ride said.

"Again, missing the point-"

"Oh really? Then what _is_ the point?" Ride asked, pulling at her hair.

"Uh... smoking kills?" Grif said haphazardly.

"Ugh," Ride said, collapsing onto the bed. "Why did this have to happen with _you?_ " She asked.

"Hey, you're not my ideal ray of sunshine either." Grif said. "For one thing, you're _way_ too uptight, and I have a higher rank than you. I can't have that on my record."

"Would you stop pulling rank on me?" Ride said irritably. "And you're lucky you even _have_ a record, dipshit."

"Hey!" Grif said indignantly.

"Okay, sorry." Ride said, hands in the air. "How about we put on our clothes and pretend this never happened?"

"Agreed."

They sat in silence. "Well, I'm going to go find something to wear." Grif grunted. He sat up. "Ow... My head is killing me. How much did I drink?"

"Exactly how should I know?!" Ride said. "Now turn around, I'm getting up."

"Seriously?" Grif asked quizzically. "I've obviously already seen you naked. Why?"

"Because, unlike you, I still have a few shreds of dignity to hang on to." Ride snapped.

"Fine," Grif said, letting himself collapse onto the bed and turn away as Era scrambled through her drawer for something decent to wear.

"Okay, your turn." She said, turning away.

"Alrighty then," Grif said, slowly getting up. He stretched his arms, beer gut hanging out. He scratched his back, looking around the room for his underwear. "Where the fuck are my boxers?" He asked.

"How should I know?" Ride replied. "Wait... are you telling me you only have _one_ pair of underwear?"

"No," Grif said indignantly. "The rest are just dirty."

"You're disgusting."

"Are you going to keep judging me or are you going to help me find them?" Grif asked.

"Ugh, fine." Ride said reluctantly as Grif got up, blanket wrapped around his waist. She looked out the window. "Oh, for fuck's sake..."

"What?" Grif asked.

"Please tell me that those aren't _your_ orange boxers in that tree outside..." she groaned, facepalming.

"You know, you should really stop asking questions you don't want to know the answers to." Grif said.

"Grif!"

There was a knock at the door. "Guys, wake up. It's almost lunchtime." Simmons yelled. "Grif, can I borrow some Aspirin? I got fucking hammered last night."

"Don't come in," Ride said.

"Why not?" Simmons asked.

"Uh... global warming?" Ride replied.

"I'm not wearing pants." Grif said plainly.

"Grif!" Ride yelped exasperatedly.

"What? He's used to it." Grif replied. "What would be bad is if I told him I wasn't wearing underwear either."

"You're not wearing _anything_ down there?!" Simmons said, voice cracking. "What the fuck? Your roommate is a _girl_ , what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Heh, yeah Grif. You know what would be worse than that? If Simmons found out that it's _your_ underwear that's hanging on the tree outside." Ride said, tasting sweet revenge.

"Hey! That was uncalled for." Grif said indignantly.

"Then get your shit together, asswipe." Ride whispered to him.

"I knew that was you! You're the only one here whose underwear has a ketchup stain on the crotch." Simmons said.

"Seriously? You've got problems." Ride said.

"Shut up." Grif grunted. "Hey Simmons, would you mind getting me something to wear?"

"Why don't you have something in here to wear?" Ride asked.

"Because he dumped all of his dirty clothes in my room so I would wash them," Simmons said. "Lazy moron."

"Prick." Grif replied. "You washed them anyway, idiot."

"Because I hate messes!" Simmons shouted.

"Ugh, you two are unbelievable." Ride said. " _I'll_ get them." She growled, pushing the door open. In front of her was Simmons in a maroon shirt and brown khakis. "Outta my way, beanpole." She growled again, shoving past him. She stomped out of the base. Once she was out of earshot, she began talking to herself.

"I cannot believe that I haven't been stationed here for half a year, and I've _already_ had a one night stand with my captain..." she groaned. "Why did it have to be with _him?_ He's such a lazy, annoying dirtbag."

Suddenly, Cali popped up out of nowhere. "Hey Ride! Wassup?" She asked cheerfully. "Bad day?"

"How much of that did you hear?" Ride asked nervously.

"Enough to know that you're in serious denial." Cali said. "You slept with Grif."

"What am I in denial about and how did you know that?" Ride asked demandingly.

"Well for one thing, you just said so. And for another thing, last night, I was in the room next door and I could hear you two as I was hanging out with Beanpole in his room."

"Oh god... I'm so sorry you had to hear that." Ride groaned. "What am I going to do?"

"Well first you can admit how you feel about Grif," Cali said, shrugging.

"What do you mean? I hate that slob." Ride said, confused.

"I think you mean that you _think_ you hate him." Cali said. "Deep down inside, you like something about him. That's why you're acting so upset. You're denying your real feelings for him."

"I don't follow." Ride said.

"Why did you sleep with Grif?" Cali asked.

"I don't know. I was drunk," Ride replied.

"That's the thing," Cali said. "Being drunk doesn't magically make you do things you'd never do, it inhibits your will to not do what you shouldn't do. That means, on some level, some part of you _wanted_ to sleep with Grif."

"I'm pretty sure that no part of me ever wanted to be with him," Ride said.

"Yeah, that's what I said about Matthew Perry." Cali said. "But now I just watch reruns of Friends wishing he were still around."

"...What?" Ride asked.

"Let's just go get Grif's underwear." She said, tossing Ride a long stick. "Here, take this so you don't have to touch anything you don't want to."

"Thanks..." Ride said reluctantly, grabbing the poking device. "Ugh, I feel like such a mess right now."

"I honestly don't think Grif is that bad," Cali admitted.

"What?"

"Well, he hasn't done anything that anyone in his position _wouldn't_ do. He's basically just an average guy- for the most part. You're probably just used to being around metrosexuals." Cali shrugged.

"Actually, I've gone to all-girls private schools almost my entire life, ever since I was a teenager. I'm honestly not sure what I was expecting." Ride sighed. "I just thought that I would've found the guy of my dreams by now. I mean, I'm _thirty._ Why haven't I met him yet?"

"Who _is_ the guy of your dreams?" Cali asked. "I mean, do you even know what you're looking for? Caboose isn't exactly the man of my dreams. He's a few apples short of a bushel, but I like him all the same. I know I'm not perfect either, but I think that's what makes us work." Cali said, taking a bite of a banana that seemingly came out of nowhere.

"What do you mean?" Ride asked, tilting her head tot he side in confusion.

"Nobody's perfect, you know. You just need to find a person who fills in the little kinks in your personality, and doesn't complain while doing it. For example, I'm incredibly patient. There's a reason why everyone else goes crazy after spending too much time with him. I don't mind the things that are 'wrong' with him, I think that they're what makes him unique. And in turn, he reminds me that sometimes a simpler life is a happier one. There's no need to get caught up in things that don't matter." Cali said, mouth full of banana.

"Right..." Ride said, eyebrow raised. "Oh, here we are."

"Man, you guys weren't kidding about the ketchup stain. Is that mustard? I didn't know we had mustard here." Cali whistled.

"We don't." Ride sighed, before saying "Oh god" as she hooked Grif's boxers on the stick she was carrying.

"Well, I've got to go do something important." Cali said. "Have fun dealing with Grif."

"Thanks..." Ride said, silently praying to god, any god, that it would all be over soon. She started heading back to her room, dreading what was to come next.


	34. Sleepless in Bloodgulch

"Rachel?" Caboose asked from beneath his bed covers.

"Yeah, Caboose?" Cali replied drowsily, Taco tucked under her arm, Gizmo curled up in the other. Gizmo stirred in his sleep.

"I can't sleep…" Caboose said, pouting his lower lip.

"Why not?" Cali asked, rubbing her eyes. She checked the digital clock between their beds. It was 2 am.

"I don't know…" Caboose said. "Can you sing me a song? You know, a lullaby? My mom used to do that when I couldn't sleep."

"I dunno, man. What do you want me to sing?" Cali asked, shaking herself awake. Gizmo squeaked in dismay, upset about being woken up. "Sorry, Gizmo." She whispered. He shook his head in response and curled back up.

"Um… I can't really think about any right now." Caboose said.

"I think I know one." Cali said, sitting up. She cleared her throat.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

"You make me happy, when skies are gray

"You'll never know, dear

"How much I love you.

"Please don't take, my sunshine away."

Her voice echoed through the room. She didn't exactly sound like an angel, but she did to Caboose. Her voice was good enough to be proud of. In reality, she probably would've made the top five in a singing competition like The Voice.

"Was that okay?" Cali asked, feeling a little self-conscious. "I haven't practiced in a while."

"Yeah, that was great." Caboose said. "It's just like how my mom used to sing it. I'm getting sleepy now."

"That's good," Cali replied, smiling. She felt the clutches of sleep slowly approaching. They remained silent for a few minutes.

"…Rachel?" Caboose whispered.

"Yes, Caboose?" Cali replied.

"Would you mind sleeping next to me for a little? It's really cold… I asked Agent Washingtub to fix the invisible magic-"

"Do you mean the air conditioning?" Cali asked, eyebrow raised. She may have been more than a little unstable, but ever since they met she was able to notice times where Caboose's intelligence wasn't quite up to par.

"Yeah, that. He hasn't fixed it yet, so…" Caboose trailed off.

"Sure, no problemo." Cali said, trying to sound cheerful.

"Thanks…" Caboose said, thankful. He yawned, as Cali got up. She moved the bedside table from between their beds to the edge of the room, and pushed her bed to meet her clueless boyfriend's. She climbed into the conjoined beds, and settled down next to Caboose. She curled up next to him, her back against his.

She gathered Taco and Gizmo in her arms and held them tight, kissing each of them on the forehead.

"G'night, Michael." She whispered.

"Yeah… G'night, Rach."


	35. Questionable Decisions

"Sarah, I don't think I'd be able to handle it if you go deaf." Tucker said casually, looking into her eyes.

"Why not?" She asked, confused.

"Because, then you'd never get to hear me say 'I love you.'"

"What?" She said, blinking rapidly, perplexed.

"Cuz you know, I've heard that's an important thing to say if you like someone." Tucker replied, playing it cool.

"You... like me?" She asked, more confused than anything.

"Yeah, why?" Tucker asked, head tilted to the side.

"It's just that... Everyone has told me that you're some sort of playboy." Sarah sighed. "How do I know that this isn't just some sleazy attempt at getting me into bed?"

"Is that such a bad thing?" Tucker asked. "I mean, you're hot, I'm hot, I see no problem."

"I'm sorry, but I don't want to be just another notch on your belt." Sarah said, turning to walk away. Tucker grabbed her by the shoulder, stopping her from leaving.

"Sarah, wait..." Tucker sighed. She turned around to face him, eyebrow raised.

"What do you want, Tucker?" She asked.

"I just wanted to tell you that... I'm not who you think I am." Tucker sighed again, rubbing his eyes with his free hand.

"What do you mean? You're not Lavernius Tucker? You're not really black? You're actually an albino with a spray tan?" Sarah asked sarcastically.

"I'm not just some playboy, okay? I'm actually a just virgin, trying to outdo and impress his friends." Tucker sighed, yet again.

"Oh really?" Sarah asked sardonically. "And I'm supposed to believe that? Just how drunk are you?"

"Look, I just say that I've hooked up with a lot of girls because I don't want people to think I'm a loser." Tucker admitted. "And I know that there's no way for me to prove any of this, but I still want you to give me a chance."

"Why should I do that?" Sarah asked, arms crossed, feet shoulder-length apart.

"Because of this," Tucker said, suddenly putting her face in his hands, and kissing her on the lips. There was a small yelp of surprise at first, but in the end, she ended up kissing him back. When she did, Tucker opened his eyes out of surprise, because he expected her to slap him or something, but that didn't happen. After a few minutes, he pulled away.

"That was... nice." Sarah said, stuttering. Her cheeks were bright red, and she was flustered. Very flustered.

"So, what do you say?" Tucker asked coyly.

"I-I guess it wouldn't hurt if we went out..." Sarah sighed.

"Hell yeah!" He whooped, pumping his fist in the air.

"But," Sarah said, holding a finger up to Tucker's lips.

"But?" Tucker said.

"But, I'm only guaranteeing one date. After that one date, we'll see where it goes." She said, crossing her arms.

"Fine," Tucker said.

"You only get one chance, Tucker. One chance, and that's it." She said seriously, looking at him dead in the eye.

"I get it, I get it." Tucker said, waving an arm.

"Good," She said, smiling. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek, and headed back towards the base. "I'm going to bed. Bye, Tucker."

[Forget how drunk _he_ is, how drunk am _I_?] She thought, sighing. [I _have_ to get some sleep…]


	36. Sarah Marshal (PSA at the end)

Sarah Marshal was a good girl. All her life, she had been classified as a "good girl." Why did guys keep playing her like a fiddle? She didn't know. At the ripe age of 27, she had decided enough was enough. She was always attracted to the wrong guys, her older sister always teased her for that. She loved her sister, even though she was a total fucking hypocrite. She brought home a different guy almost every week while they were growing up, introducing them to her once, only for them to never be seen again. At first, it was not clear to Sarah who dumped who. Eventually she found out her beloved sister was kind of a whore, though not in the professional sense.

Lynn was by no definition a "player", she just thought guys were cute for a few days, and then, a few days after they had sex, had the stark realization that they weren't meant to be. Other than her long line of dejected ex-boyfriends, she was a perfect role model. No matter how many boys she brought home, she always made sure it was just her and Sarah against the world, especially after their parent's divorce. Apparently mom was a whore, too.

Sarah was sixteen when it happened. Lynn, having just turned 21, went to a club for the "first time" and met Declan. Declan- no last name, just "Declan."

Declan was handsome and charming, the typical Ken doll you'd expect to get on your 6th birthday as a little girl, because your parents still believed in traditional gender roles. He may have been a Ken doll, but his heart was made of plastic- as Sarah would soon find out. Sadly, Lynn never did.

It was love at first sight, according to Lynn. Their eyes just met from across the bar, and there was an instant connection.

He admitted to her that he had played lots of women, toyed with their hearts... but _she_ was different, not like the others. He hoped it wasn't too soon to say, but he loved her. In fact, he knew from the moment he laid eyes on her he wanted to marry her. Lynn was ecstatic, though Sarah thought he probably said all that because he was drunk.

She and Declan moved away, across the country. "To start a new life together," he said. Before anyone knew what was happening, she was pregnant. That was the last Sarah ever heard from her- she and Declan were engaged, and were going to have a baby.

When Lynn's body was eventually shipped back to them, it was nearly unrecognizable. After six months with no contact, Sarah found out that Declan beat her on a regular basis for being "stupid enough to get pregnant." She died of complications from an illegal abortion. No one ever heard from Declan again.

For a while after that, Sarah simply stopped dating- though eventually she got so lonely that she couldn't help but get back in the saddle (in a non-sexual way). For the next ten years, she was afraid. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of being abandoned - but most of all, afraid of being alone. Her father was no help, he became an alcoholic after his wife left him. He spent the rest of his life in and out of rehab, while his remaining daughter was taken away by child protective services.

Sarah eventually began throwing herself into her work and her studies, aspiring to become a nurse- any kind of nurse, it didn't matter. She just wanted to get away from all the memories. That's when she signed up to care for Agent California, a mental patient on an obscure military base in the middle of nowhere- otherwise known as "the place you go when there's nowhere else left to come home to."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh my god, I am SOOOOOOOOOO sorry I've been gone so long! A lot has happened. Like, a literal shit-ton. I'm a junior now, and I no longer have a best friend. That whole Dan thing really messed me up for a while.

REAL-LIFE STORY TIME.

So sophomore year I was friends with three quadruplet brothers- let's call them Dan, Mike, and Ass. Dan was my best friend, Mike was a good friend and Ass was kind of just there. When I first met Ass, I thought he was cute. He had a girlfriend, (let's call her Janet) and I respected that- until he started flirting with me. He started getting really creepy and sexual, but I couldn't really do anything about it because he's a paraplegic with cerebral palsy that uses his condition as an excuse to get away with the shit that he does. (he's also a fucking liar.)

At first, I complained to Dan about him and told my counselor. Since he was brothers with my best friend, I told her to just have a talk with him and not involve the police. Dan told me that it didn't matter if he was his brother, Ass was being a jerk and should be stopped (we'll come to that later).

It worked, for like, two weeks. Then he started being a creep again, talking about all the children we were going to have (12), until one day when he cornered me and flashed me, and I'd finally had enough. I told my mom, who told my counselor, who told the principal, who told the police, who told his family and apparently had him all this, HE was the one who was mad at ME. Again, because I didn't want to cause his family trouble, I requested not to sue or file a restraining order (big mistake). Even though the POLICE, AND THE SCHOOL told him not to, he started talking to me story short, I called him out on lying about not insulting the school faculty, he was a child about it, _reported me for harrassment_ , and then started bitching about me behind my back. He threatened to get a restraining order against ME. Then, he threw a fit when I told the school what ACTUALLY happened and HE got in trouble.

I was already emotionally unstable, so this threw me over the edge and I got sent home for self harming and suicidal tendencies.

After this, Dan _never spoke to me again_. No warning, no explanation, he just left me in the dark. He blocked my number, and he's actively avoiding me at school.

Is it my fault I got scared because Ass has threatened physical violence against people before? IS IT? He's shown me videos of him shooting shit with a ton of different guns, AND using explosives- so yeah, I was a BIT worried.

Ugh.

Sorry for making you read all this, and that this author's note is longer than the actual story, but it had to be said.

PSA: If someone is harassing you in any way or form, DO NOT GO EASY ON THEM, ESPECIALLY IF IT'S SEXUAL. I don't care if it's your best friend or their brother OR THEIR FATHER/MOTHER. It's not right and it WILL snowball. Do the right thing for yourself and report it to a trusted adult.

Also, being handicapped does NOT give you the right to treat people the way you feel God treated you. The world is harsh. That's reality. You're not supposed to be handed things on a silver platter. NOBODY owes you ANYTHING. If you feel like the world itself has taken something away from you, _be kind_. THAT's how you get good things in return.

People are treating you like shit? _Be kind_.

You were born without legs? _Help other people_.

Being kind, helping others, and spreading positivity is a much more effective way to add meaning to your life. Hatred and deceit will only get you in trouble and make people like you even less.

If you are kind to others, you can bet your ass that you'll eventually meet someone who will be kind to you.

I used to think this kind of thinking was stupid, crude, and inaccurate, but time has proven me wrong. It's common sense.

So, do yourself a favor and BE KIND to someone today.

What're we supposed to learn from this, you ask? It's simple- Don't be an Ass.


	37. Retirement Announcement

Sorry it's been so long, but I have an announcement.

I have chosen to discontinue my work in fan fiction, and am moving to other websites. I am currently writing a book called "Hooters! The Musical" about a barn owl named Timothy, in a post-apocalyptic world where birds have replaced humans as the Earth's sentient species.

I will be posting some short stories on FictionPress as well.

I might pop back in every once in a while when the temptation to write fan fiction becomes too strong, though.

I'll try to wrap up my current works as best I can, but I've long since lost the inspiration, so I feel like completing them now will just leave everyone more disappointed than they would be if I had just never come back.

I won't be deleting my account, and I am open to any of you guys who are still here PMing me.

Q&A:

Q1: Why have you made this decision?

A: Trust me, it's not because I've grown bored, or that I think I'm 'too good' for fan fiction now that I'm working on more original projects. It's also not because I don't appreciate you guys as fans. In truth, it's partially because back when I was active on this website, I was having a tough time with depression, anxiety, and paranoid schizophrenia. There were times when I wanted to just stop existing. The reason why I'm leaving fan fiction is the same as the reason why I no longer listen to Evanescence and Three Days Grace: They all take me back to a time when I was vulnerable and didn't feel safe, or comfortable in my own skin.

Q2: Seriously? Is that all?

A: No, actually. The other part is that I want to make a name for myself. I want to be an actual, published author with books you can read in a library. I want to prove that I _can_ write my own characters and stories, without piggybacking off of some other writer. Not that I think fan fiction is less valid, it's just... I don't know. Ever since I shook off the depression and all that, I've discovered who I am as a person without the mental illnesses. I've gotten a glimpse of what "ok" feels like- and I'm addicted. I finally have hopes and dreams beyond "finding a reason to live" and "be happy, for once." The freedom is invigorating, and I want to experience all of it.

Q3: Where can I find you?/Please don't leave!

A: I'm not technically leaving, as I am not deleting my account. You can still PM me if you want. If you are craving closure for the stories I'm unfortunately leaving behind, I can a) PM you a short custom ending, b) PM you the basic details so you can make your own ending, or c) answer your questions through private messaging.

A2: If you really want to see where I'm at/where I'm going as an author, here's where you can reach me:  
-Google+ as Joli C. Spencer  
-ffgarfield413 g mail . com  
-FictionPress, with the same username as my FanFiction account.

Q4: Are you discontinuing Innocence Lost and its sequel?

A: Yes. Why? Because I feel that it overly romanticizes many concepts contained within it- Like pr*stitution, for example. Not to mention human trafficking and what essentially counts as r pe. It has many adult topics in it, but it's marked as "Teen" and doesn't quite have the maturity or writing style necessary to make it rated M. If this explanation doesn't satisfy you, please read my answer to Q1. If you HAVE to have closure, please read Q3.

If you have any other questions, please PM me.

Thank you all so much for the love and support that you've given me, I really don't deserve it. I'm posting this announcement to all my stories. I know there's not that big a chance that anyone has stayed long enough to see this, but it had to be said. You guys are the reason I'm at where I am today as a writer. You kept me going, you gave me a reason to keep writing- you even inspired me to take that creative writing class junior year. If it weren't for you, I probably never would have gone down the path I did, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I came to this website a caterpillar- it was a long, and, at times, terrifying road, but I've finally broken out of my cocoon. I'm not a butterfly yet, but thanks to you, I'm on my way.


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